Although most of us do not embrace any personal feelings toward those, who surrender to home violence, what we do embrace is the lack of empathy toward those, who promote the victim status in order to highlight their personal and morbid obsession with viewing all women as, not only potential victims, but helpless and weak victims.
Yet, most of us remain hopeful for a positive change to occur, despite the overwhelming increase in victims and the fascination crusaders have in promoting the victims' situations and not ways to end the problem.
Of course, there's no excuse for violence. Any form of abuse is a lowdown tactic used to gain power and control. And through the years, most of us have grasped the common sense to know that permitted violence only worsens when the abuser feels at any given time that he (she) is losing that power and control in the relationship.
What has changed is the women and men who refuse to play the victim game. People who know who they are, the differences between good, bad and evil, what is morally right cannot fathom wearing the victim-hood sign gracefully or without feeling ashamed and embarrassed. Generally, random victims are embarrassed to exhibit their experiences to the public. They manage to recognize true victim-hood and the act of displaying inconveniences and unpleasantness for the world to view. This is why one could argue that some victims do a poor job selecting their spouses, boyfriends (girlfriends) or lovers. But, logically, once you have realized the mistake, sooner than later you have a change of heart, correct the wrong, make it into a right, if for no one else, but for you.
Equally troublesome is the idea that some victims cannot help themselves. But, how can victims, who do not know better, take responsibility for their actions and circumstances when a herd of social and victims' organizations offer them a plate of pity and place the blame for home violence on the government? How can there be change when organizations continue to suggest that the government must fund more domestic violence programs, and become parent and guardian to those in need of one?
Certainly, the government has enough on its plate to add to their agenda a way to teach adult victims why they ought to press charges against anyone who has caused them bodily harm. In over half the home violence cases, the abused end dropping the charges against the abuser, is unwilling to testify in court or changes her story.
Is it fair or right that societies endure and go on an endless journey listening to the self-created situations and be made to feel guilty because we do not understand that the victim is afraid to report that she had been beaten, kicked, punched, stabbed or threatened? How many more years must we understand that despite the violence from their abuser they are more afraid to leave? How many more years before the yearly increase in domestic violence decreases?
Instead blaming and suggesting that the government fund more programs, perhaps the creation of programs to teach parents how to detect violent behaviors in their children and help them to develop strong family values would be one positive solution to ending the problem.
We do not allow home violence to sprout. The victims who choose to become involved in and remain in unhealthy, violent environments surrender their human rights to be free from bodily harm. The battered females' movement has fought to end home violence. However, the violence has increased, and many argue that the increase in global violence is because of irresponsible parents, not a desensitized government or communities.
Parents must learn responsibility to teach their children acceptable options to physical, emotional and mental abuse. Violence is learned behavior, a twisting cycle that only parents can break before the pattern worsens from generation to generation. Parents must teach responsibility to their children and that male (and female) violence and the exploitation of either gender is abnormal and unacceptable in all societies. It is the parents' responsibility to educate their children to be able to judge right from wrong, good from evil, true from false and beautiful from ugly. It is their responsibility to make moral principles a part of their daily lives. Change must begin with families teaching their children the immorality in violence.
Responsible parents raise their children to behave well and with moral values. They are the children who develop into adults that choose to persevere by exercising the spiritual muscles of their character rather than stroke themselves with the solace of self-pity and victim-hood. They are not adults who search for sympathy for their personal or social difficulties. The root of their dread is not other people's fault, i.e., loss of job, alcohol or drug abuse or both, anger at defeat over other problems, shattered relationships, unfulfilled careers, financial setbacks, public misery. These incidents contribute to spinning things out of control, diminishing strength and self-control and self-esteem problems that only produces lifelong victims who accept violence as normal behavior.
Parents who guide and teach their children that real men and women do know the difference between communication and verbal disputes, intimidating threats, intimate relationships and control, social interactions, equality and respect for both genders in the same manner they respect their mothers and fathers. Real women and men admit vulnerability and loathing for any form of abusive behavior. We do not depict real men as natural abusers as we do not depict real women as natural targets of male abuse.
The Cornerstone
Nansook Hong, who was once married to Hyo Jin Moon took her chances when she fled from her physically and emotionally abusive husband. (60 Minutes, 9/21/98) She did not think much that he may come after her and perhaps murder her and their children. She escaped despite possible retaliation from her husband and the Moon family. All she could think of was that she couldn't take the abuse any longer. And if Hyo Jin chose to pursue and kill her, “well that's a chance I have to take. That is life,” she said.
