Do you remember being taught how to handle your emotions in school? I certainly don't, because schools concentrate on academic intelligence, not on emotional intelligence. Daniel Goleman published his book on Emotional Intelligence in 1995, and rocked the world of psychology with his research and astounding results.
Goleman signals 4 domains in EI:
- Self-awareness. One must be able to recognize the type of emotion one is feeling at that moment. You are talking to your phone company trying to discuss a particular charge that you consider unwarranted. Do you keep calm and collected while the taped voice says: "All our representatives are busy at the moment; please hold"? You feel the frustration and, yes, the rage building inside as the minutes pass, listening to the insipid background music and occasional ads. Do you slam the phone against the wall or do you recognize the danger and control yourself?
- Managing feelings. Again, you are talking to a difficult customer, or closer to home, a rebellious child. You can unleash your anger and let them know how upset you are, or you can recognize and manage the negative emotion so that it will not hurt those who deal with you. If you are prone to high blood pressure, it is essential to keep your ire under control. Many years ago, a friend of mine saw his big dog bowl over his 4-year old daughter; enraged, he took out his revolver and shot at the disappearing tail. He could easily have hurt or killed a member of his family, an event that would have sent him to prison for life. He later apologized for his lack of control and has tried ever since to keep his negative emotions in check.
- Motivating oneself. Emotions can be harnessed for good purposes. Soldiers speak of adrenaline flowing when they are in combat. Professional athletes have a "reserve" of energy when they are at the end of their rope. Mothers have been known to realize extraordinary feats of strength to save their child. Compassion has lead people like Mother Teresa to dedicate their entire life to helping those who have nothing. All these examples are fueled by powerful emotions, but we have to know how to make proper use of them. Talk to yourself when you feel desperate, or too tired to continue. You too will find that special extra that separates ordinary people from extraordinary ones.
- Recognize emotions in other people. In your daily life, you are in constant contact with others, whether your immediate family or your coworkers. Empathy is the art of putting yourself in other people's shoes, of understanding what they are going through. Your relationships will improve dramatically if you are able to communicate that you genuinely listen and share their emotion. If you detect anger in your wife's (husband's) tone of voice, stop and think: "How can I defuse the situation?". If a person is rude to you in traffic, try to understand his/her situation of stress. Don't reply in the same vein; show understanding. You'd be surprised at the others' reaction.
Your life will change for the good once you reach the proper control of your emotions. Rationality and emotions are usually cited as opposites by psychologists; in reality, they complement each other, since everything we do is based on both. Some persons are incapable of feeling empathy for others; they are known as psychopaths or sociopaths. But for the vast majority of us, it is a struggle, albeit a very valuable one, to balance our emotions. The result is a very successful life, and who wouldn't want that?
"There are two educations. One should teach us how to make a living and the other how to live." John Adams
