I had just turned 23 when my mom was diagnosed with liver cancer. The next six months were the worst of my life as I watched her endure chemo, surgery, and the devastating effects of the disease itself. Eventually, her doctor ordered hospice care and we spent the two last months with her at home.
During my mom's illness and after her death, I learned a lot about how-and how not to-comfort someone who is dealing with grief.
DO: Speak up. Some of my friends never mentioned my mom's passing or asked how I was doing. I know that they simply felt uncomfortable, didn't know what to say, or were trying to spare me pain. But at the time, their silence made me feel that my loss was unimportant to them; and it was hurtful. Ask your friend how he is doing. Even if he doesn't want to talk about it, at least he'll know you do care.
DON'T: Use clichés. Saying “Time heals all wounds,” “Life goes on,” or anything similar trivializes your friend's grief. You may as well say “Get over it, already.”
DO: Talk about the deceased. Often, we don't mention a friend's lost loved one for fear of dredging up painful memories-as if they've forgotten. But I love it when people mention my mom. It confirms that she touched lives other than mine, and that I'm not the only one who remembers and misses her.
DON'T: Set a timeline. Everyone grieves at his own pace. If your friend seems to recover more quickly than you expected, don't imply that she should still be overcome with grief. If she is still struggling months after you thought she'd be back to normal, don't suggest that she look into anti-depressants. Just be available to your friend in whatever capacity she needs, for as long-or short-a time as she needs you.
DO: Set a reminder. Anyone who has lost a loved one knows that about a month after the funeral, everything stops. No more cards arrive in the mail, and not many people ask how you're doing. It seems that the world has forgotten. Show your friend that you haven't. When you buy that first sympathy card, buy several. Send one near the first and second month anniversaries of the loved one's death. After that, send one annually. Every year in early September, I receive a card from my best friend, states away, telling me that she knows I'm thinking about my mom and that she (my friend) is thinking about me. It's a simple gesture, but it is so comforting.
DON'T: Say “Let me know if there's anything I can do.” Think of something you can do, and then do it. Your friend is likely too overwhelmed or too proud to actually call you up and say, “I have twelve cousins coming to stay at my house while I'm trying to plan a funeral; could you please come and vacuum?” Is your friend driving back and forth to a hospital? Include a prepaid gas card with your sympathy note. Are relatives flying in from out-of-state? Offer to make the airport runs. Planning a funeral is time-consuming and emotionally draining. Organize with a few others and take dinner to your friend's place each night leading up to the funeral. There are many practical, tangible ways to show you care. Just don't wait to be asked.
Though it was the most painful time in our lives, my mom's illness showed us how many people really cared about our family, and how the love and support of friends can carry you through tragedy. You can do the same for your friend.
