Do you know of anyone who endures panic attacks? I can personally attest to the horror of them. They strike without warning, and leave you feeling so alone, its almost unbearable. If you happen to suffer one, and those around you have no clue as to what you are enduring, it makes it that much worse.
Through these long years of enduring panic attacks, and what comes along with it, I have learned many things. We must all counter these attacks in different ways. Some take medications, others use therapy, others still develop their own sense of remedy.
Personally, I have learned to deal with my severe attacks in many different ways. For a few years I had to take beta blockers because the rhythm of my heart was so chaotic. But since this Spring I have weaned myself off of the blockers altogether.
When you endure panic attacks, the one true thing that you try to capture is your own control. Control over your body and mind. Control over what happens to you right before the attack and during a full blown one.
I believe another symptom of my attacks is insomnia. I do not suffer from any real bouts of depression. I mean to say, nothing extreme. We all suffer from some depression at times, but mine are not inappropriate.
So I do not sleep like regular folks sleep. I go and go until I literally crash, as I call it. I won’t even think about lying down until I am just about falling down. My days and nights are long. Sometimes I do not get to sleep until seven in the morning, after having been up the entire day and night.
Another symptom of my own control issue is what I do during all those long hours of each day and night. I completely surround myself with many different hobbies. I have taught myself how to knit - I also taught myself how to quilt, all by hand. I love to draw. There are many framed sketches hung on every wall. I have painted murals from the floor to the ceiling. And I love to write. I also home school our three children as well. And all of this does not include all of the volunteer work that I do with other groups I am involved with. I attend every township meeting and write many items for our local papers. My point; I keep extremely busy - no time to think if I am busy.
Another facet of my control issue is my safety net. We all need one and they too come in many forms. Mine is made up of items such as always having the beta blockers within reach. Some in my pocket-book and some in the house. Wherever I go, I must take them with me. Whether I ever use them is not the point. But just knowing they are close at hand, gives me a sense of security. A sense of control.
I have been rushed to the emergency room more times than I care to mention. The horrific symptoms with each visit. Not being able to breath, my heart feeling as though it is going to jump right out of my chest. The utter fear of impending death surrounds me. The shaking, the rush of what feels like hot water running from my feet to my brain. And the worse symptom; no one being able to understand at all what I’m enduring.
The very first attack that I suffered, was when I was only seventeen. It happened during a phone call from my mother - she was screaming at me into the phone, saying how much she hated me and that I was no longer her daughter. That I had no mother from that moment on! And she hung up on me. Well, all I remember after that is everything going completely black. I dropped the phone and tried to feel my way to help. Nancy was in the kitchen and came rushing in when she heard me crying out and having trouble breathing. I did not know what on earth a panic attack was then. And I’m afraid I wish I still didn’t. When everything went black, I realized I was suddenly completely blind. I could see nothing. Talk about fear!
The blindness lasted for only a few hours. I was sedated and woke up with my vision in tact. But that was the beginning of the long road that I was to endure. I compare it to being a newborn baby. I was only crawling that day - but have since learned to walk and run, some nearly three decades later.
For me, there is a certain security in routine. When things change then it does affect me. If I endure trauma, it can send me into an attack very easily. And then there are times when I have suffered one with no real apparent trauma as well. I can be sitting in my car, driving some place, and suddenly come to a traffic light. Now, if I am in the center lane, and there are cars on my left side and my right side, and there are cars in front of me and behind me; then I can suddenly go into a panic. I feel completely fenced in - trapped. I can’t endure it, and must find ways to distract my brain from even considering heading for a panic attack. And that is hard work.
