Ideas on how to argue without feeling anger and resentment towards the other person.
The first basic problem of argument and stubbornness is the underlying intention of all persons contributing. Typically when arguing, the arguers unconscious intention is to salvage pride. Before I explain this, I need to let you know that when I say unconscious, I am not regarding Freud's theory, I am just stating that when this happens, the arguer has simply not payed attention to their intentions while arguing.
What I mean when I say the intention is to salvage pride, is that the arguer wants to be considered right, or correct. There are a few things that are done to notice that this is true that you may have noticed before. I will list what I can think of right now:
The arguer will state that a word the other used doesn't mean what you represented it as. Usually when this happens the argument will become side tracked and will go into debating the meaning of the word, rather then the point at hand.
The arguer will state that it is impossible to come to a conclusion and that the problem is simply a difference in opinion. This is an obvious symptom of having lack of reason to support a thorough argument.
The arguer will contradict one of the previous points they mentioned with a present point without explaining how all the points that rely on the contradicted point are true.
The arguer will display obvious emotional response that makes them seem dominating. Explaining a thorough point requires no emotions that seem to make the person dominating, Therfore, there is underlying truth to what the arguer is trying to prove.
The arguer will state things as fact without having thorough reasoning as a backing. If the arguer cannot prove their own point, then they are being unreasonable, which would suggest they have intentions on something other then proving a correct point.
Once the arguer has exhausted all their own ideas, they will state knowledge they have accumulated over time that they are unable to explain with thorough reasoning to be true. You will notice a lot that people will take knowledge that others have discovered and accept it as true without having thorough reason to believe it. This suggests that they are not trying to prove a reasonable point, but rather proving their own point.
For true reason to be applied to an argument, all persons contributing must have the intention of finding the most true point possible from the point of which they are viewing. The arguer must put equal energy into proving all points either right or wrong(this includes their own points).
If you wish to actually come to conclusions in arguments, and stop all the anger and resentment that arguments usually bring, then you must give up the selfish intentions you have when arguing(unless your selfish intention is knowing the most correct truth). If you do this, it wont matter if the other person has selfish intentions when arguing because you will remain reasonable and have no reason to become angry or resentful, and all points they bring up, you will consider, and it will bring you closer to finding the most correct truth.
To do this, you must accept that if you have never noticed these things before, and while reading this are just discovering this concept, then most likely you have never been reasonable in an argument. Always keep in mind that the point is not to prove your own point, nor is it to prove wrong all other points, but to find the most correct point. You must always be completely willing to accept that you are wrong. I will list some things that you can try to follow to become accustomed to being selfless in arguments:
psyTry to keep perceptions of the things that were listed previously. If you notice yourself utilizing one of those actions, then tell the other persons what you have done. If you can do this without having your pride hurt, then it is a direct indication that you are arguing selflessly.
Keep in mind that specific definitions of words have little importance on what your trying to say. The intention of language is to have the ability to display what you are thinking. Therefore, if it is stated that a word has been used in a way that does not fit the definition precisely, it is irrelevant. If all definitions are followed precisely, you will notice that you are unable to explain what you are thinking in a way that other people can understand. To get past this, only follow general definitions of words, and when something is said that does not fit definitions, try to fill in the blanks by thinking of what they could have possibly meant to make a reasonable point from what they said. In arguments, I try to emphasize reading meanings, not words.
While arguing, try to imagine yourself telling the other person that you are wrong. If this is difficult in any way, then you are not arguing selflessly.
The best way to argue selflessly is to simply keep in mind the intention to prove the most correct truth with thorough reasoning. Finding your own way to do this would be ideal because then you would be able to argue selflessly naturally.
It is my belief that until the idea of arguing selflessly is utilized completely by every person on earth, then there will be conflict. If there is anything that could motivate you to use this then the selfish idea that you could live in a more comfortable world could be it. I have not been able to follow this in every argument I've been in since I have started trying to do this, but from what I have experienced, it is much more rewarding to find a more correct truth then it is to feel the selfish dominance from simply proving the other person wrong.
