Sitting watching Scott play the latest Internet craze, in his opinion, gives me a chance to reflect. It's during these times instead of boredom, a victims word, I choose to give in to my creative juices.
I look around at his new "toys" neatly placed about the room. Arrows in their quiver and bow ready for action. I wonder, "Why have I led a life sheltered from fun?" Archery, Darts, Pool, Guns. The fun "grown up" activities. I've lied to myself believing I didn't like such things. After all, I was raped on a pool table therefore I am supposed to show some sort of trauma when near one, right? Wrong, but that's another story.
I see now,in reflection, my fear grew out of my ignorance of such activities. I was never exposed to and never sought out new activities or hobbies. I never experienced the fun of such activities and lied to myself to justify staying away. I was bred to please people, especially men. "Don't interfere with games meant for grown up men", a phrase I remember from childhood. This instilled fear in me. What would happen if I did want to take up Archery or Pool, or even football?
As I write the names of fear come to me. This is good and assist in the healing process:
- fear of the unknown,
- fear of embarrassment,
- fear of disappointing those I love,
- fear of failure,
- fear of growth,
- fear of knowledge and action (stepping outside my "box"),
- and, yes, fear of success
I have stood aside instead of calling fear by it's name, watching my life become inactive slowly dying away. Allowing my husband the pleasure of another woman or women if he finds any that enjoy common interests with him. That is how this part of my life remains until the fear is gone. Fear so strong it's indescribable.
