“Look mom, I don't want to be rude or mean, but I'm just done talking about this… I know, but there's just nothing left to say and nothing you or anyone can do to help… I need to go… I just need to focus on something else right now.” I felt bad for cutting my mom off like that, as well as others I may have recently snubbed when they were just reaching out to me, but they had no idea how physically ill it made me to keep bringing it up.
When something bad happens, being the verbal processor that I am, I appreciate all my family and friends surrounding me and helping me walk through the grieving process. At the same time, there comes a point where it has all been hashed-and then rehashed-so many times that there is nothing left to say that hasn't been said.
I'm at a point of wanting to move on, focus on only positive things, and look at the future. I want to snowboard, kickbox, lift weights, ballroom dance, and stay as physical as possible. I want to somehow remember what it's like to dream big and not let those dreams or visions scare me.
Though I've been pushed back even farther, I want to remember that it's not about the limitations around me, but my perspective through them. Perhaps I am being sent back to the trenches to learn something I missed the first time. Perhaps there is reason for this humiliation.
Or maybe it is truly just one of those bad things that randomly happen to good people. Maybe there is no divine purpose, but in order to keep sanity I have to believe that there is.
I remind myself, I've been fired before. I survived then, it may have taken me a few months to find another job, but I still survived. Within a year I promoted up even farther up than the job I'd been released from. I did it then, I can do it again.
When I was in cross-country, I learned that running is 90% mental. Running the long distances can be brutal, especially when you experience muscle fatigue or “hit the wall.” I learned that if I could stay in there, that after hitting that “wall,” I would get a second wind that would carry me through.
I am not excited about reverting back to a position I held two jobs ago, but I am thankful I still have a job. I am aware at how difficult it will be for everyone-including the team I am going into as I will likely be bumping out one of their own.
I was left with no choice as that is what is written into my union contract. My boss lied to me about several things, including his support. The entire time he criticized those who brought up allegations against me, he would make statements about how he knew they held no merit and had no evidence to back up their claims. I provided him with evidence from them praising my work. Yet, in the end, because of a lot of politics and other things I don't have the energy to write about (my filing a whistleblower complaint at his urging), he turned on me. He quoted their words verbatim, even though all written documentation pointed otherwise.
I was set up for failure from the beginning. I had the chance to leave and he sabotaged my reference check.
I could and probably will write a book about my experience of taking the brunt of politics, but for now I want to re-focus my mind on things that are hopeful, fruitful, positive and uplifting.
When I go into my reverted position, I want to go in tight-lipped, lay low and just get my work done. I doubt I will ever show the fun and “cool” side of me at work ever again-or at least for a very, very long time.
Outside of work, however, I am going to continue to be me and pursue life-pursue living and enjoying this beautiful creation God has given us before it all goes to pot. I am going to stop thinking about me, and all my pidly problems, and start giving back to the community. I'm going to get involved in church again, and do my part to help the environment. I'm going to vote for Obama and I'm going to continue to petition embassies around the world to stop violating UN agreements (to stop torturing and murdering innocent people just because they aren't Communist or Muslim). I'm going to keep snowboarding, kickboxing and dancing upon injustice. I'm going to continue to pursue my dreams and passions-like writing and passing the baton to this next generation.
I don't have the time or energy to spend dwelling on what happened. Instead, I have to focus on what will happen; that is, what is within my power to make happen.
To all my friends and family, I am very appreciative of all the love and support I've received. It has been very overwhelming in a good way; it has been extremely comforting. I need to move on now. I need to hear about your lives, what you are going through, and what you are looking forward to. Let me be a shoulder for you to lean on and not just me being so “egocentrical” and self-centered all the time.
Cheers: To Life!
