Children have a lot to say about their own sexual abuse. Their stories show that they are aware of the power that adults have over them, and they are afraid to resist. They are taught to obey adults or older people, especially people with authority, such as parents, grandparents, teachers, babysitters, and social service professionals. They dread consequences if they refuse to obey.
Children may lack vocabulary to talk about sexual abuse, and they may be silent because they feel shame and embarrassment about using sexual terms. Most child victims, especially girls, are afraid they will be blamed for being sexually abused and for not doing anything to stop it. Boys may be afraid to say anything because they don't want others to think they are gay, if the abusers are male, and they don't want to admit to vulnerability.
Both boys and girls might not tell anyone because they want to avoid other consequences, like a family member getting in trouble, family members being mad at them for breaking up the family, and being put in foster care.
Children Believe They Must Obey
Children think they have to obey persons in authority. Randy, ten, was sexually abused by a teenage boy who was her babysitter. She thought she had to do what he said. He told her, “Go to the bathroom.” She said, “I went to the bathroom.” He jumped out from behind a shower curtain, pulled her off the toilet, placed her on the floor, and sexually abused her.
Olivia, eleven, abused between the ages of five and eight by a man who was a father figure to her mother and a grandfather figure to her said, “I thought there were laws about adults and children.”
Lisa, nine, abused from the age of three to age nine, said of the abuser who was her grandfather, “He was big. I was little. I had to do what he said.”
Vickie refused to go home for supper when her brother and sister found her in the park. She told them, “I'm waiting for someone.” She was waiting for the man who had sexually abused her twice. She said she waited “because he told me to. I listened. I was small.”
Some Children Think the Abuse is Their Fault
Many child survivors blame themselves for the abuse, even when they recognize that the perpetrators forced them. Lisa said
My grandfather forced me. He unzipped his pants. He put his hand on mine and put my hand on his penis. He held my hand there until he was done. I took my hand off when he let go of me.
The abuse took place on a boat. Lisa said, “I felt like jumping off the boat and swimming to shore, but I can't swim.” Despite Lisa's recognition of being forced, she said, “It was my fault. I didn't tell him not to do it.”
Randy, the girl who was assaulted in the bathroom, said the abuse was “sort of” her fault “because I went into the bathroom and was sitting on the toilet.” Randy could not put the pieces of her experience together. She went into the bathroom because the older boy who abused her told her to, but she could not see that the assault and the directive to go into the bathroom make the abuse his responsibility and not hers.
Donna, fifteen, assaulted by her brother, sexually abused by her grandfather, and the victim of an attempted rape by her best friend's father, thought she must be at fault. She said, “My judgment must be impaired.” She was confused, hurt, and ashamed that she was abused by three different males.
Children blame themselves because so many adults blame them. For example, in the case of Donna, a county attorney who prosecuted the case against her best friend's father, said to her in her mother's presence, “Why didn't you get out of the car when that guy went after you? I think you really wanted it.”
Carla ran away from home because she felt blamed for the incest her father committed. She said
My father was bitching. I asked my mother what he was bitching about. She said, "He said it was all your fault." I'm breaking up the family. I couldn't take it. I took off.
Carla was thirteen and lived on the streets for six months.
Not all children think sexual abuse is their fault, but it is a common reaction. Caring adults can gently ask the children, “Do you think you did something wrong?” or “Sometimes kids think the abuse is their fault. Do you?” It is surprising how eagerly some children answer questions like these. Their answers also can be surprising, such as Lisa's whe she said it was her fault because she never told her grandfather not to do it.
