After that, some years had passed, and my mother took very ill. She always had a thing about her weight. Mind you, she was not obese at all dear readers. But in her mind’s eye, she was huge. So she spent most of her life dieting, taking diet pills, and eventually starving herself to death. When she died, her throat was completely worn away! She couldn’t even swallow water. How horrible it must have been for her last weeks here. She was hospitalized, where she only continued to get worse.
Eventually, she too lapsed into a coma. I was not there, as this would have been too great for me to handle, considering our past. So when she passed, I was on the other side of the country.
One of my baby brothers was there at her bedside. After she had passed on we had spoken on the phone about those last moments. What I was truly amazed at dear friends, was the way in which he relayed those moments. He had true coldness, true hatred. I could feel it clear across the country over that phone line. It scared me to hear him explaining it to me. I never thought it was possible for him to feel that way. I guess I was wrong.
He told me that he leaned over so that he could say what he wanted to directly in her ear. They were alone. She was also on a ventilator. And the doctor had told him it was only a matter of time before she died. He wanted to make sure he got there in time to talk to her before she left. He told her that he hoped when she died that she would go straight to hell and be punished for all eternity for what she had done to us. That she didn’t deserve anyone being there with her while she was dying. That all she ever did was give us pain and sorrow our whole lives. That she was an evil, hateful woman. Then he told her how much he absolutely hated her.
As he spoke these words to me, relaying what he had said. I felt sick to my stomach. My heart started to beat so fast, I thought I was having a heart attack! I had to get up and rush to the door, open it and let the cold winter air rush over me. My heart broke, not for her, but for him.
For all that I have endured at her hands, I could never have been so cruel to her, even on her death bed. I could never have spoken such words to her. I would have told her in other ways, how what she did effected my entire life. I would have asked her why she did those things to us, to me. Even if she couldn’t answer me, I would have told her that I had to forgive her, years ago, or else I would have gone insane. For my own peace of mind, my own salvation, I had to forgive her.
There are many ways that we leave this life dear friends. And sometimes, as I learned personally, we can chose to send them off with love and kindness or send them off with hatred and cruelty. I think he needed to feel that he had gotten in the last word, so to speak, by telling her how he felt in his heart right before her last breath. But for me, I could not use those last moments for any kind of revenge. I don’t think I could sleep at night had I spoken those words to my mother. Regardless, she is still my mother. If I return hate with hate, I become that hate. If I return love for hate, I stay above that hate. I do not, nor have I ever wished to become like my mother. In my opinion, my baby brother became just like her when he spoke such words to her on her death bed. And I truly felt great sorrow for him.
Perhaps I am truly alone in my way of thinking. I have had some tell me that, “at least he was honest with her before she died.” I’m sure she knew how I felt as well. But I did not have to speak such ugly words to her. I can’t imagine the pain she must have felt when he said those words to her. I can’t help but wonder if he truly received any satisfaction for saying them, after he was done speaking. Did he ever regret saying them to her and then seeing her die? When we spoke on the phone, he had not one shred of regret. But will he in years to come, when he cannot take them back or hold his tongue? And what if, dear friends, being that she could not speak, what she felt in her heart was regret. What if during her last moments, she only wanted forgiveness, as Martha wanted forgiveness?
I believe we must be merciful and forgiving. For if we cannot be filled with such, how can we expect such? Yes, even those who have caused us the most grievous pain in our lives. If we fall to our knees and beg our Father, our God, to forgive our sins, can we expect that He will hear our plea and forgive us. I think He will, but only if we have learned what forgiveness and mercy truly are. For how can you know what it feels like to be burned, if you have never been burned? You don’t. So we must know what it feels like to be forgiven to forgive. We have to know what it feels like when someone shows us mercy, to show mercy to another.
It is not easy to forgive dear ones. Its one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life, if you can do it at all. It is not easy to offer one who has broken you, more than once, a cup of cool water when they are on their knees dying of thirst. But you can chose to offer that cup of water to those who have hated you the most. Even if they drink it and spit in your face. That is of no reflection upon you! It is a reflection of who they really are. Unrepentant.
If we allow others, who have brought us such pain, to change who we are, then they have won. But if we can somehow get above the pain and grief, and decide how we want to live - we can become anyone we wish to become.
After all, there is no better revenge than to become the person you always wanted THEM to be.
