I was so young and so scared at that time in my life. My world was crumbling apart….I was in a God awful marriage and I felt so alone. My relationship with my mother had been strained throughout my teenage years, and now she was dying and my life was about to change…
It was October when I found out that the cancer results were positive regarding her breast. It was spreading quickly to all her bones, and the surgeon had removed one of her ribs during the surgical removal of her right breast. Time was ticking and I was going to lose her.
During this time I felt alone and forsaken by God. My husband's mother was an alcoholic and that didn't help things. She was pretty much intoxicated on a daily basis. I didn't have anyone to really talk to.
My sister had taken over all the responsibilities regarding my mother and did not let me help her. I think maybe she wanted help---- but she didn't like my husband and I felt distant to her at that time. I did visit my mother anyway and took her for walks out in the sunshine. My mother loved the sunshine. When she was well-she had a garden and she spent many days in the garden close to the sunshine.
I remember when she died and how I crawled into her hospital bed, and just laid next to her. I felt like the lion cub that had lost its mother.
The day before she died I bathed her with my sister and washed her hair as she was being transferred to the community hospital nearer home. We knew she was close to death. She told us both we were naughty sisters as we bathed her.
The night before she died I stayed for a long period of time in her room--- as her breathing was labored and her life was fading away.
To this day I still miss her. I remember things about her-bits and pieces. Sometimes I dream about her and I am with her again. Other times I don't miss her and remember all the politics within the family in relationship to my brother and sisters. I was the black sheep of the family at that time.
My family has drifted apart. I remarried and now am with someone who loves me-- but what marriage doesn't hold problems of its own.
I can still feel her presence at times. I can smell her perfume, and I can feel her sadness when I feel sad. I know I look like her and I have her eyes. As for thoughts concerning the afterlife-I believe there is one and I will be with her someday.
I miss her like nothing in my life.
Fortunatly for me my mom and dad had a great relationship and my dad is still alive, but how those days strained us is beyond words.
I too and the black sheep.. Hell, I was the black Billy goat, but that changed nothing..
Thanks for bringing those memories of how much my mother still means to me.