The Worst Mistake
The worst mistake adults make is to ignore the details, in an attempt to "protect" the child from sadness, they do not talk to the child about it at all. In one situation I know of a child who was five or six had their father die in a car accident. The family really did not talk to much to the child except to say that "Daddy went to heaven" or the "Daddy is now with God". So it should not have surprised anyone when the child later asked "When is daddy coming home?". When talking to children who have never experienced death before, it is important to make sure they fully understand death is forever. Too many parents think that they protect their child by sheltering them from the "bad things" in reality, this does not help the child at all.
Do Not Sugar Coat it
In this same instance another mistake was made. The adults referred to God and Heaven in a positive manner as related to death. Young children, especially those under six years, absorb so much into their subconscious. To say that somebody simply "went" to heaven, or that they "are in a better place" or anything along those lines is dangerous on the subconscious level. You are putting tiny ideas into their head that death is better than life. It also makes death seem like a simple thing. As that child gets older, the possibility of suicide does not seem so difficult for a child who was told these innocent things at an earlier age. When you sugar coat death and say things like "Gone to a better place" you are making death sound wonderful, as stated earlier on, this enters their subconscious. Death is not a warm fuzzy blanket to cuddle up in. Do not sugar coat death when talking about it.
The Blame Game
God is an easy one to blame for Death. I recently read about a woman who let her dog out of the house, it got hit by a car while it was running after the child. The child, aged ten, blamed God for killing the dog. In fact this should have been a lesson on pet care, do not let dogs out to run loose. The mother was to blame for the death of the dog. Even the driver, who hit the dog, had very little blame. If somebody is responsible for the death, they should take the blame, allowing a child to blame God is horrible for so many reasons. No, I do not think "God" would be angry at the child for misplacing the blame, I do think that it takes responsibility for death off of those really responsible. It's a lazy way out. When you blame somebody you cannot see, it is easier than dealing with the truth. Blaming God makes it seem like we are in no way responsible for any thing.
Pet Death
Often times the death of a pet is a childs' first experience with death. How adults handle it is important. The child should be allowed to see the dead pet if they wish, unless it was horribly mangled by a car. In which case they should be told "you probably do not want to see it" and still allowed if they insist, being age sensitive of course. Sometimes parents will find their childs' pet hamster dead in the cage and remove it. But natural deaths are normal and the child should be allowed to see their dead pet, talk to it, and say good bye to it. All efforts should be made to bury a dead pet. Larger animals like cats or dogs can be cremated. This gives closure.
Conflicting Messages
We tend to send conflicting messages to children when somebody dies, on one had we say "They are in a better place" and yet we cry. This can only be confusing to a young impressionable mind. We tell kids that God is wonderful, Heaven is great, and yet none of us seem to be in any great rush to get there. So either we do not believe what we are saying, or we are lying. Children know this, they see right through it. However they get older and hit with this conflicting message over and over again, so at some point they stop questioning the contradiction and start saying the same thing to others. Remember young minds absorb everything.
Do Not Treat Death Lightly
One thing that most adults do incorrectly is they do not teach children the value of life, we tell children to step on bugs, squish ants and so forth. At least make a point of explaining to a child that if you are killing an animal because it is a pest, that is why you are doing it. Try to show some sign of sympathy for that creature. Remember death is death. To a young child if you so easily kill another living creature, what difference does it make what size it is? It is uncommon, but some children become obsessed with killing and watching things die, that they eventually kill their pets, and so forth.
Saying Good Bye
My own way of having closure is to say to the departed "Go in peace". As a keeper of livestock, most of which are pets, I have had some of them die from time to time. I even say this to dead animals we see on the side of the road as I drive by, in the belief that their energy is near. When children can say "Good bye" to a departed loved one, either human, or animal, it gives them a natural release, I feel this is very important to providing closure.
Be Honest
We really do not know what happens when we die. We might believe something, or hope something, but we really do not know. This message should be conveyed to children. If a child asks "What happens when we die?" you should honestly answer "Well I don't really know, but I would like to think..." and then put in your own views.
Really honest
If your dog was hit by a car, do not tell the child it ran away. I used to work at an animal shelter and one day we had a woman and child come in to look for their lost cat. At one point the woman pulled me aside and said "The cat isn't really missing, it was hit by a car." Sometimes not knowing what happened to an animal is worse than knowing, and it allows closure, as well it is an opportunity for a lesson about death before they have to deal with the death of a close friend or relative.
