I cried for my mom this morning, and probably will continue to cry every morning after, though the physical tears may one day subside, the internal ones will never end. We learn to live with her dying but I will never accept the way she died. I wish that I could die in her arms with her to make a statement against the awful life she had lived. Someone decided that life was not good enough for her, and tormented her every day of it.
I wonder; maybe if I had only been there, maybe if I had not been so busy living my life, maybe I could have saved hers. I used to wonder why people doubt there is a God, now, at this moment, I affirm that doubt. Where is He? Why did He choose not to save her? And how after such a long life of pain and suffering, He would allow her to die in such a way?
To add insult to injury my mom did not die, right away, as of this point she is still alive, but everything I once known her to be, is dead. She exists somewhere in the midst of a chaotic shell, a human storage unit with all her hopes and dreams tucked away in some mental box, in a remote corner of her mind. She, once filled with vibrant life, now stare motionless into space. I wonder what her thoughts are, I wonder if behind her eyes, which occasionally move from side to side, up and down, if she is still there or is it the remnants of someone who used to gloriously be. There will no longer be three hour talks on the phone, no more laughing in unison, no more swapping of sorrows, no more praying for one other; I will continue to pray for her, but she cannot return the favor. The essence of who she was is gone, final answer, gone.
I ponder the chance that she will snap out of it and interrupt death's course and return unto her previous self. Maybe if she could just hear my voice and God hear my prayer, maybe it will trigger something to start something, a revival of sort, to save her from the abyss she is held captive by. Death flee from her, God restore her, is she not your child, your creation? Is it not You that decides who lives and who dies. Stop my sorrows heal my pain, do not orphan me again, help me to accept Your choice and hide me from my loss, the lost of my mother.
