Things to avoid saying or doing as you help others handle grief.
I don't think that people realize how some of the things they say affect the grieving person. If they did, they would surely not be so insensitive. But what happens, I think, is that they want so much to help, but don't know how. As a result they start spouting off all the meaningless platitudes that they have heard others say.
There were three things that people said that particularly bothered me when I lost my mom many years ago and my dad fairly recently. The first is, “He's in a better place.” This simply does not help, and the more I heard it, it actually started to make me angry. I knew he was in a better place, but at that moment in my grief, all I could think was, “Yes, I know, but what about me? I'm not in a better place. I'm here and I'm in pain!”
The next meaningless phrase that I heard so many times was, “It gets better with time.” To be honest, I wasn't thinking about time. I was thinking about how bad I felt right that minute. It didn't help me at all to know that I was going to feel better in a year. All I could think about was that moment, and I felt terrible.
The other thing that bothered me were the vague offers of help. They seemed somewhat empty at the time. People said, “Call me if you need anything.” It was impossible at that time for me to know what I needed, therefore, impossible to call anyone for help.
On the positive side, I'd like to share what helped me through these difficult times. There were people who, at the visitation or funeral, would come to me and say something like, “I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even pretend to know how you feel. It must be terrible.” Then they would give me a hug. I appreciated their honesty and sincerity. I also appreciated the people who simply said, “I have no idea what to say,” as well as the ones that said nothing, they just gave me a hug.
Also very helpful were the people who didn't say, “Call me if you need anything,” but they anticipated my needs and filled them. I was so grateful for the people who brought food because it took stress off me. I appreciated it when people dropped by to give me a hug, share a funny story about my loved one, or just to sit with me in silence. I'm also very grateful for those who continued to call weeks and even months after the funeral to let me know that they were thinking of me and to check on my progress. They understood that the worst part of the grief would come later, when I was adjusting to life without my loved one.
