My Observations
My friend, I will call her Ann, is currently with a man who is selfish and uncaring. He has a total disregard for her feelings. Ann has sever problems with her ex-husband that I won’t get into now, but it is relevant to know she is quite depressed and needs support. She and I have been friends for nearly 30 years, and the most recent 4 years have transformed her from a strong and vibrant woman full of life and happiness to a shriveled shell of who she used to be. You might think the ex-husband is the biggest problem, but it is really her current boyfriend. He is an alcoholic, he is 12 years her senior (and we are 38), and he won’t drive. She drives him everywhere, even when it is most inconvenient for her. He will insist upon it and she does it. I tried for a long time to see what she does, but I can’t see it. I see a man who can’t hold a job, who would rather spend the day with his friends til he is falling down drunk, who emotionally beats her down, who takes her pain and turns it into how it affects him he even told me once that he wanted me if I would have him. He makes me sick...I have lost her somewhere. Now, she won’t talk to me about him much, because she knows how I feel about him. Last Monday morning she comes to work needing stitches in her finger and arm because they had a fight so severe that she put her hand through a window. Every time she spoke she was on the edge of tears. I bandaged her up and put myself out there for her again, but she would never talk about what he did. The next day, she was running his errands for him again. She has lied to me about him, she is way more distant from me. I miss her. I see her everyday and I miss her. She used to be the one who never would cling to a guy. They were clinging onto her and she would leave them in her wake crying. Now she just submits to anything. I have thought of everything I can to get her back, I have even tried to blame myself, like maybe I am jealous, or maybe I could have tried to intervene earlier. I keep coming up with the same conclusion. She has lost all self-respect, all self-esteem. Ann is my best friend, she always will be, but I feel now that I have to mourn her former self and keep on letting her lean on me...after all, I am her only support.
My Personal Experiences
Wow! Where to start! Unlike Ann, I have had a few more relationships due to the fact I have been divorced much longer than she has. All of them a disaster. I have always had low self-esteem, so when I managed to hook up with someone I was amazed. I had no regard for what I needed in a man, just that I wanted a relationship so badly. My ex-husband was an alcoholic, and the duration of our marriage was fight after fight about drinking and other women. After our divorce I put myself into the workforce and found that I must have been really attractive because I had many suitors. I thought I had grown, and I had, but not in a good way. I became something I had never been before...popular. It took me many tries and many guys to figure it out. If you put out, they will come. (No pun intended) So after a few years of that, I just quit. I finally figured it out, and I am still proud of myself for it. I was tired of only sex. I wanted substance in a relationship. I wanted someone to hang out with, watch TV with, go to church, the flea market, and have good sex. I couldn’t find that. I have been most of my life, and I am to this day and big girl. I have been overweight for almost as long as I can remember. So, substance in a relationship is very hard to come by. However, I gained more than I had ever hoped for. I found self-esteem and self-respect. I learned to love me for who I am. I found that I could work and support myself and my son. I became a strong and independent woman. Sure, I am still single, but I know that I will have what I need and want when it is time. I am happy. My parents are proud of me, my son can rely on me. I have what I need, a relationship would just be a bonus. It’s like Ann and I just switched places.
You are Not Alone
If you find that you are not getting the respect and support that you deserve from your guy, I strongly suggest that you try life on your own for a little while. You are a beautiful woman, you have the power to change your life. If you are not happy with your relationship, leave it. I hear women say all the time that they don’t want to loose the time they have invested in a man. Honey, don’t waste another minute on a relationship that you can not be happy in. Cut your losses, chalk it up to experience, get out now before you have invested everything. All relationships go through rough times, I am not saying to run out on every fight, but if you are constantly abused physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually...just leave. It is not as hard as it seems. You need to spend time learning that you are a woman worthy of love and affection. Living alone is not for everyone, but spend a little time with yourself. Discover who you are, and love you for who you are. Only then will you be able to find the man you deserve. I know you have heard it before, but here it goes again. No one else can love you if you don’t. Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed. We have all been with someone who is hurtful. We have all made mistakes and we always will. You deserve a healthy relationship. One that makes you feel like you could take on the world...together.
