Ironically called the “Honeymoon Stage,” the early years of marriage are in fact the most difficult years of married life.
This is the time when you have to learn to live full-time with another human being who, you are starting to realize, is not as polite, thoughtful, sweet-smelling, and neat as when you were dating. You discover that he watches TV all day, and that she leaves hair in the shower drain. Instead of missing each other, you are now always in each other’s way, competing for bathroom time, the TV remote, the use of the car, closet space and bed space.
This is the time when you see his spending habits, and realize that it’s conjugal money he’s spending. This is when you slowly realize that you can never have sex with anybody else again.
Therefore, it is not surprising that according to divorce statistics of 2002, 10% of all marriages end up in divorce within the first five years. In 2004, statistics show that 8% of married couples divorce within TWO years of marriage.
But you don’t have to be a statistic. Here are things you can do to adjust more easily to married life, while you’re learning to get the hang of it:
Make A Written List Of All Your Faults.
Don’t hold anything back. Write down everything, from your smallest fault to your biggest shame. Write in phrases, not sentences, as in “spends too much,” instead of, “I spend too much,” so that in case anybody finds your list, they won’t know you’re talking about yourself. Then email your list to yourself, and keeps the password a secret. This way, you can read it anytime you need to, and you know nobody else will know your secret faults.
Why do you have to do this?
People divorce when they look at their mate and realize how imperfect he or she is, and they tell themselves, “I don’t deserve this,” or “I deserve better than this.” Of course, if your mate hits you, verbally abuses you, or has an affair, then you DO deserve better than that. But otherwise, your list of faults should remind you that you’re not that perfect either, but your mate loves you enough to stay married to you anyway.
Make A Written List of All Your Mate’s Faults Before You Got Married.
Again, write in phrases so nobody who finds your list will ever know who you’re talking about, and keep it also in your email archive. Look at this list whenever you feel the need to criticize your mate (never a productive thing to do, you will soon realize). Let the list remind you that you knew his or her faults before you got married, and you promised to love him or her, WITH these faults. It is very unfair that you should try changing them now.
Tighten Your Bond With A Parent, Parent-Figure Or Sibling Of The Opposite Sex.
First, a member of the opposite sex can help you to understand better why your mate acts the way he or she does.
Second, if you have gripes about your mate, telling him or her will only most likely hurt your relationship. If you need to vent, vent to a family member of the opposite sex, because a member of the same sex will more likely tell you to get out of the relationship instead of fixing it. Also, a member of the opposite sex can tell you whether or not this is an issue you should talk to your mate about, and what is the best way to approach it.
Your in-laws do not count as family members. They cannot avoid being biased because, after all, they raised your mate to be the way he or she is. By complaining about your mate, you are inevitably criticizing their whole family.
DO NOT EVER tell your troubles to a member of the opposite sex who is NOT your family member, no matter how close a friend he is! You will be playing with fire, masking yourself vulnerable to an affair. Besides, if your mate did the same thing to you, wouldn’t you hate it?
According to Judith Viorst, the purpose of marriage is so that when we fall out of love, we stay together until we fall in love again.
Admittedly, these tips are not going to solve your newlywed problems. However, they will help you to stay married while you, as a couple, are learning how to deal with them in your own way. Also, they will prevent new issues from being formed. Surely, as it is, you have enough to deal with. Take heart that they can be dealt with, as so many other couples have done.
I know. I write from experience.
