Is He Out There

Being gay, and in a relationship has never been easy for me. I think it’s mainly impart, because of the guys I’m attracted to. I love the ones that don’t act or appear to be gay, so I always find one that comes with baggage. A girlfriend of a baby’s momma; I love the thug hard boy type. They usually never gay, or don’t consider themselves as being gay. Why can’t I meet a thug that, or a real manly man that is truly just into the gay life style? I’m wondering are their any out there.

Considering my past I shouldn’t even be that attracted to the quote “thug” unquote types, sense I haven’t yet found one that loves me for me, they always seem to love me for reason. What I was giving them or doing for them, or what I had. I did score one that really loved me for me; I lost him by letting others put things in my head, the same ones that wanted him for themselves. Telling me he’s cheating on me, he’s no good etc. Soon as we were over they was trying to get with him.

We tried again, but after we broke up the first time it was never right. I look at my best friend it’s so easy for him to get a man, and he holds on to them, I wonder what his secret is? I never could seem to last long with one man, my longest being 6 months. My best friend kept a the same boyfriend for 3 years. I have no problem getting a man, I’m attractive brown skinned, hazel brown eyes, goatee mustache, bold headed. I’m a little thicker than I want to be right now. At 190, still yet I don’t look bad consider myself very attractive.

Why I can’t seem to find that one? I have a good personality, I’m good kind hearted, caring person. Still yet I seem to meet those that want to use me, or just want a 1 night stand. Or just to come over, and have sex with sometime. I want more than that, I think I deserve more than that. I’m ready, and want to be in love. I just don’t want a sissy I’m the girl in most of my relationships I like it that way, I don’t mind using my manhood every now, and again mainly I want one used on me. I’m not a sissy, not a thug you don’t have to necessarily have to be a thug to be with me, however you do have to be a man. I consider myself a girl, so do I look like letting a girl climb my back. It’s just not happening, I only ever had one boyfriend that should be affection out in public, and that was mainly because we were out of town. Where nobody neither knew me nor him.

I’ve been bisexual all my life, did the marriage thing. Had two kids the whole 9. For the past four years now I’ve been living the gay life completely once I told my mother I was gay the secret was out I didn’t give a damn who knew. I love it when I see gay couples show their affection out it public unashamed, uninhibited. Is it to much to ask for, wanting a man just to love me for me? Show that love, be unashamed of that love. I’m worthy this I know is he out there?