We came in and took a table near the back of the bar. I didn’t know how to feel. Would this be our last meeting? Or would I convince you to make it a better beginning?
“We need to stop this … “, that was you on the phone last night.
I was speechless. That was the last I would expect to hear from you. The last few weeks of us together were just amazing. How could you ever think of ending something so beautiful, something so wonderful, something so true?
After minutes of toying with the wine glass infront of me, I finally found the courage to speak.
“Why Brien?”, the one question that had been bugging me all night.
“Is there someone else?”
My heart was pounding fast as I heard you pulled a deep breath. I swear I’d die if I hear you say yes.
“No”, was your quiet answer, to my disbelief.
Of course there was none, otherwise I should have felt it.
Just last weekend we had the most heavenly times together. Walking with you down the beach, watching the glorious sunset. We sat down on the gray sand as we talked about mundane things, oblivious of what was happening around us. The special feelings we have for one another was overwhelming, filling us like two people who found their soulmate, the missing piece to their life’s puzzle. I never felt so happy and content in my entire promiscuous life. And when you held my hand and put a light shy kiss on my cheek, I melted. No words needed to be said. Boy how I love you!
And now here you are, recanting everything.
Your eyes hesitantly met mine. I cannot read their message. I was beginning to feel confusion. And even if I felt it would be a stupid thing to ask because it was glaring how you feel about me, I asked it just the same …
“You stopped loving me?”
Your frown was more of trying to hold emotions than being puzzled. Your lips tightly closed like you were avoiding words to come out. And bewilderment engulfed me when I caught sight of those small glitters at the corner of your eyes.
I know you did not. I know the feeling has, in fact, become more intense. Gosh, I wanted to hold you, at the same time shrug you to spill it out.
However, you were firm about something. What pushed you to such conviction I don’t know and I don’t have the spirit to be willing to know.
Heart-wrenching silence.
“This is going nowhere”, your voice cracked.
I cannot say anything more. I know what you mean, and that was just an undebatable issue.
I felt the world stopped spinning.
I looked away. Suddenly I caught sight of myself reflected in the glass window. That person who once stood up and bravely showed the entire humanity the courage of being one’s self and the capability of loving, now tries to convince himself that he did the right thing and is still doing the same.
I was breaking down inside. I wanted to cry. Yet I calmed myself down. And before the tears would fall, I stood up, offered my trembling hand for a friendly handshake.
And as you gripped my hand, I managed to utter the parting words. “Brien, I won’t ask you to stay. Just remember, I didn’t ask you to leave.”
In a second, your arms were around me pulling me close. “I’m sorry Jonathan, I just cannot traverse this road. I guess I’m not strong enough and will never be prepared for the prejudice and negative judgment of the society this relationship entails.” Then you silently wept.
As I walked away, I heard you said “I love you” and the buzzing in my ears swallowed all the “Buts”.
The sky was now dark and full of tiny stars as I strode alone. And as I look on those distant spires, I realized that Brien did love me as I loved him. The only difference was – he had not found himself yet. And I smiled with the consolation that I already had found mine.
