She and I moved down the freeway to her new town. All was quiet until she spoke that her feelings were gravely hurt and it was my fault. I now had to defend why I enjoyed men instead of women.
I sat in a bit of a stupor unable to be quick with my thoughts, for I felt as let down as she did.
She had just told me she was gay and asked me if she and I could be intimate. It was the 2nd time I had been hit on by a woman but something like this I just couldn't get used to. I had never suspected that she was gay so maybe it was my fault that she was so hurt. I had observed a woman on my street who sold antiques from her yard and carried a dream of opening her shop one day. I had admired her independence, her love of antiques and her even temper and wit.
In my neighborhood were many gays. Here and there were some married folks. We were on the edge near town. We were on the better side of what got worse 3 blocks down. We owned our houses, they did not further down. On Broadway I walked quickly past the gay shop where they displayed chains and leather and weird things that fit upon one's genitals. I didn't think much about it. Whatever. I have my own business to think about. I had become a contemplative celibate. I was waiting for god to take the final step as promised.
I worked awhile at Mary Lou's where a cockroach would run across the floor now and then on the dirty red and black carpet. I took the few checks and rang them up during the long hours of the night and watched the sun come up through the plate glass. It was always good to see the sun come up and put on a show for us. A man stopped in a few times. For some reason I was drawn to him and offered my usual greeting as I poured his coffee. I had barely said but a few words of cheer to him when he interrupted me and asked what I was doing in here.
He actually expected an answer. He seemed to say I shouldn't be working here. I was proud to have a job. I could walk home from here. I was ok with it. I was after all, waiting for god to take the final step as promised by A Course In Miracles (ACIM). The final step was not outlined. I would have to wait and see.
The man was hitting on me soon, very sweetly and gently. I was petrified to be hit on, especially by someone like him whom I also was drawn to.
He was right. I didn't fit in at Mary Lou's. After Mary said something rude to me, I was out the door after working only a month or so. The man asked me out once or twice. Finally I told him I don't date anymore, I'm celibate. I had made my decision. I couldn't take a chance. There had been too many disappointments. I would wait on god. Sometimes I'm sorry I didn't go out with him and talk things out. My life would have been different perhaps, but then again I can't help but think I needed to be by myself to rebuild myself and continue learning experiencially what I had read within the pages of ACIM, a book that had caused me to want to live, albeit, it wasn't an exciting life to be always waiting on god to take the final step.
No one in the whole wide world understood this book so I could not be matched with a nonbeliever or we wouldn't see it the same way, no matter how attracted I was to their charm or their good looks.
Now here I was, I had made a few girlfriends, or so I thought, in my new neighborhood where I'd just moved. I prepared to remodel my victorian as well. I had needed to take a short vacation and rode with Terry to her new station up the road. Apparently she wanted my body? My arms around her? She expressed her hurt now. I must have had a look of total shock upon my face and I thought I was being cool. I guess I have one of those faces that expresses every tiny emotion and can't hide behind such a face.
Knowing I didn't understand her, she began to tell me of a gym teacher who had introduced her early on in junior high to the delights of woman to woman sex. Ever since then, she had never considered having a man.
What she had revealed brought me no closer to understanding then before. She said she had misinterpreted my friendly overtures to mean I was also gay. I thought back to our meetings and knew I hadn't been out of line. I hadn't had girlfriends since back in high school and now was a good time for me to make some friends, of course, apart from the sexual stuff I thought. We got to her new place in a small quiet town where she would have a shop soon. I stayed in the guest room and we didn't talk much. Seems the relationship was not there now. She had picked me up, her idea, and now I relaxed and read in her backyard, thinking about how weird all relationships could get sometimes. I'd go home tomorrow and she'd drop me a note one time, probably to show she was being a good sport. I thought it's so easy to be misinterpreted on this planet, a friendly overture means different things to different folks. Should I not be friendly?
But I couldn't shut down like that. It wouldn't be right and I didn't.
I just thought it was amazing. I met so many gay people, or bisexual people as I went along, and to them it was normal. To them, a straight person was the abnormal one. To each his own. Terry found a girlfriend she told me later. She was very happy. I was happy for her.
I got a farm and sold eggs and made strawberry jam, took care of mother, I studied and did soul retrievals in my astral body and finally found a best girlfriend who settled on what I gave her within emails and I still waited for god to take the final step.
