A few years back the idea of an abused woman was unthinkable with the result authorities did not believe women when they dared to ask for help. Because of this the abuse continued and was only noticed when the victim was murdered. “How do I know all this”, well its easy I was an abused women, no let me rephrase that, my family was abused for 17 years.
Abuse is not only physical, it is mental, sexual, and domestic all of which my family suffered during those 17 years of hell. People who have never experienced abuse ask questions like, “why did you not leave him?” or, “why did you not kill him or maim him?” The answer is simple, “fear”. The fear of heights, closed spaces, spiders etc is very real, but is controlled. One has a choice to face those fears or to stay away from them.
In an abusive relationship, the victim's fear grows stronger by the day and eventually it consumes the soul. There is no question of choice. There is no question of escape. Fear becomes the consultant, fighting every choice available and you sink further and further into the trap. “Why did you not leave him?” Answer, “He will follow us and kill my children and he would not allow me to work so I could not support my family”. Why did you not kill or maim him?” Answer, “What if I don't succeed? He will take revenge.”
This perfect husband and father showered love on us. He provided and protected us. In society he was known as a man who was always willing to help, he had a heart of gold and was adored by many. Behind closed doors he turned from perfect to a being from hell. I am not going to tell you the actual story of what happened because I am writing this for other women who are abused.
When my daughter turned 12 she told me that her father had been sexually abusing her from the time she was 5. A heavily guarded secret because of her fear of the threats he inflicted on her. She was my first step to controlling my own fear. By this time I was brainwashed to believe I was not worth stepping on. I was nothing; an ugly, useless human being that should not be alive. No matter how much we tried to please him, the abuse became a nightly pastime for him. So how did I handle it?
First I approached the authorities, begging for help but I was told I am imagining things. A woman's place is to please her man and if I am not doing as told then I deserve to be reprimanded. On the question of my children I was told that my imagination was rubbing off on them and I should curb myself for their sakes. Well that was a wasted effort. Then I tried talking to his family who was totally disgusted by my “lies”. At least my friends offered some help, “You need to see a psychiatrist; you have a mental problem”. That is exactly what I did, in fact I saw 4 psychiatrists.
At last someone believed me. The help I received from the psychiatrists was a bottle of tablets to give to my ex husband and the warning that he is schizophrenic and is capable of committing a family murder. I was told to handle him with kid gloves. WOW! I felt so much better. My ex threw the tablets down the toilet and proceeded to punish me for my insubordination.
My next step was to run away. Yes by this time I was starting to control my fear. My children and I ran away but he found us after a week and we were properly reprimanded for our defiance. My courage failed me once again and we were back to square one. Eventually I sat my children down and we had a long talk. We decided that we had one of two options. Either we live in fear for the rest of our lives or we take the chance of leaving even if it meant dying in the process.
Thankfully we chose the last option.
Although abuse is now seen as a criminal act and there are groups who stand against it and many homes for abused women and children, nothing works unless the victim comes to term with those fears. It's a lot like an alcoholic or drug addict. They have to face the truth about their problem before there can be any success in healing them. Once this fear has been conquered the next step is to find courage. A victim of abuse becomes an introvert with no self esteem. In our case we got rid of the problem but had even more to tend with. Suddenly we were free and learning to handle that freedom was a problem all of its own.
