I have chosen not to repeat the horrors in which I endured. And being dropped off at men’s homes, was not even the worst part of it. Only a small slice of the hell I have had to live. We have a choice to end the cycle of abuse we have endured. We can make it completely different for our own children. No one put a gun to my mother’s head. She did all she did willingly on her own. Just as no one will put a gun to my head and force me not to be the best mom I can be. Which happens to include being over protective at times, I admit.
But there are other things my children know that I didn’t know. They know what its like for their mom to hug them and kiss on them. To show them affection and tenderness. To respect them. Listen to them. Teach them and learn from them. Its not a one sided street where they must do as I say or die. I can’t remember my mother ever hugging me. I have never once laid down next to my mom in her bed. I was never allowed in her room unless it was to clean it. She always acted and showed me how much she despised me and hated me. I knew it from the moment I was born. She didn’t want me after she had me either. I lived with my maternal grandparents for the first three months of my life. They forced her to take me back. I wish they hadn’t done that. Perhaps I would have had a chance with a stranger.
The pain or joy a mom can bring to her child is amazing. We can give one or the other to ours. If you were abused, raped, tortured, beaten, burned, locked up, tied up, starved, windows boarded up, ran through a plate glass window to escape, jumped out of a second story window to try and run away; then you know a bit of the pain I have suffered. And you know that you somehow survived it. But you also know that you don’t want anyone else to have to survive it. And that you can be a better mom or dad because of it. The only thing my babies know is how much their mom loves them. I sure wish I had a mom like I have turned out to be.
You have to decide if the abuse you endured will destroy you or make you a better person than your abuser. Be an example to your children by showing them that bad things can happen to good people. And good people can be created out of bad things.
