This is a pattern of assault and coercive behaviors which include physical, sexual, and psychological attacks, as well as economic coercion used by adults or adolescents against their current or former intimate partners.
The following are the characteristics of physical, sexual, and psychological abuse:
Physical abuse may include slapping, shaking, beating with fist or object, strangulation, kicking and threats.
Sexual abuse may include coerced sex through threats or intimidation, physical force, forcing unwanted sexual acts, forcing sex in front of others and forcing sex with others.
Psychological abuse includes isolation from others, excessive jealousy, control of his or her activities, verbal aggression, intimidation through destruction of property, harassment or stalking, and threats of violence and constant belittling and humiliation.
Domestic violence is also an act of power and cowardliness. This is a short story of my own encounter with domestic violence.
About two years ago, I was in a relationship with a man named Michael for two months. He was almost twice my age without a job, as I found out. At first, he appeared to be caring and charming. But the longer I remained in the relationship, the worst it became. He was very manipulative, vindictive, and built his life upon lies.
Everywhere I would go, he [Michael] had to accompany me. If I went somewhere without him, then he would accuse me of “cheating” of him with another man. Even when I went to work, he would accuse me of having a sexual relationship with my co-workers (it never happened!).
Michael also isolated me from my family and friends. He would say things such as, “You need some “new” friends,” “Your family doesn't care about you.” He said those things to me on a regular basis that I was at a point where I began to believe it. In other words, my dignity, self-worth, and self-esteem diminished. He wanted me only for financial gain, sex, and control.
As I found out later that he had different aliases and Social Security numbers. I feel that anytime a person walks around with different names and different Social Security numbers, this person has an extensive criminal past and is living a double life. He had a history of abusing women, in particular, much younger women. He preyed on much younger women.
In addition, he had an extensive criminal past. Michael was also sexually abusive. He would force me to perform some unusual and unwanted sexual acts. These are activities that are repulsive to mention in this story.
Life after domestic violence is a relief and a challenge. It is a relief because the victim is out of the abusive situation and a challenge because they [the victim] often have to deal with criticism, mainly from their families. In my case, leaving an abusive relationship was a total relief. It meant no controlling, no regrets, no manipulation-just plain freedom.
It is a challenge because of the mass criticism that many, like me, have to go through. My family constantly mentioned a letter that I had written a year and a half prior to this situation. This letter stated that I would never live with a man without marriage. I made the biggest mistake in my life by not only living with a man without marriage, but also without investigating the man.
As time goes on, my main focus in on the future. Although there are positive and negative situations that occur in the world, I am choosing to focus on the positive perspectives of life. This is what keeps me doing great things in my life. When people look for positive, he/she will receive positive happenings. On the contrary, when people look for negative, he/she will receive negative happenings, usually having a pretty miserable life.
As a domestic violence survivor, my advice for those who are involved in a domestic violence relationship-get out! There is a second chance at life and starting over is the best thing to do.
For plans on how to get out, please visit ndvh.org. There is also the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.
