I began going to our local community college in Paramus. I hated it and felt it was such a great waste of time and money. I stayed for one semester until I met one of the Music Directors. I had no idea he was one of the Directors until after our first date. He was older than me, and I enjoyed being with him. We spent a lot of time together. I left the school and we moved in together. A small house in Hackensack. He left the school as well, and went on to the Fashion Institute in New York City to become a Graphic Artist. He was very good at his new living.
I fell in love with this man very deeply, very hard. There was only one huge problem, James was African American. And this did not sit well with anyone in my family. I was told if I married him, or had children with him, that I would be disowned by the entire family. I would have died for this man. I had lost so much recently, and now had found this man who seemed to love me as much in return. After about six months of living together, I became pregnant. His mother was the head nurse at the local abortion clinic. This I didn't know at the time. But was soon to find out. When she found out that I was pregnant, she told me I would not be allowed to destroy her son's life! That I was to go and have an abortion right away. I was scared, alone, and didn't know what to do. I talked it over with James, and he thought I should get the abortion as well.
I went to her clinic and sat in the waiting room with James. When my name was called, I began to regret being there. I had second and third thoughts, and wanted to run out that door. But where would I go? Who would take me in? What could I do? I was 19 and young and stupid. I walked into the operating room and they prepared me on the table. The IV wouldn't work because they said I was ‘fighting' it. And I knew I was. James mother barreled in. She was very upset because it was taking far too long. She gave me a shot - I tried to climb off the table, but before I knew it I was out like a light. The next thing I remember, I was waking up in the middle of the procedure. I heard the doctor say, “My God, she's got twins!” And I went back out again. Twins.
For the next twelve years, after marrying James, I endured so much. I had given up so much for this man. I had walked away from some of the family members who had anything to do with me. All because they would not accept that he was of another race. And now after twelve years, we were getting a divorce. It was just too much for me. And for those twelve years, I had tried everything, in vain, to have another baby. But was unable to.
I loved James with all that I was. I had given up so much just to be with him. And now, he would rather cheat with other women and spend his time doing serious drugs. I had lost the love of my life forever. And I have to tell you, to this day, it still affects the way that I am with my husband of 21 years. I cannot possible love him the same way. I will never let anyone in as I let James in. I cannot do it. I do love my husband, but, I will never love another as I did James. I'm too afraid to take that road ever again. So how is it that the love of your life can destroy parts of your life? What do they say, “Once bitten twice shy?” Not sure if that applies; but I do know that there is a wall around my heart. A wall that I'm not willing to take down yet. And its been 21 years already. Isn't it amazing how the one true love of your life, the one you ‘thought' was the true love of your life does so much to your heart?
Tell me please, if you know, how do you repair a heart that's been torn so. Share with me the secret of letting such go, so that you can move on completely. I don't think its fair to my husband, but I'm just not sure what I can do. I cannot let anyone do to me what James did to my heart. I just won't. How has the love of your life changed your life?
