Though it is not reported in the news, I know it is an epidemic among women. It’s everywhere. It can start as early as childhood. I have been aware of its deadly effects for as long as I can remember. I knew it when I was 5 or 6 years old. My mother was active in it long before I was born. My mom would do it all day long. She became immune to noticing its harm. Though at first it is unnoticeable to the naked eye, any person can become aware that it affects all facets of a female who is active in its grip.
At first, it shows itself only in speech. In just two seemingly innocent words, a woman can be infected. I heard it constantly as a child and I now consider myself an expert in detecting the disease.
From morning until night, until I left home at 18, I listened to my mother declare:
“I’m sorry; no, I’m sorry; Oh – I’m so sorry; Well, I’m sorry” or my personal favorite: “I’m sorry, BUT…” It killed me then because I could feel my mother’s self hate and manipulation every time she said it. She never once meant it. I see women doing the same thing each day. And it still kills me.
When a human makes an apology, it is understood that this person is aware that he/she has acted in a way that has caused harm, emotionally, psychologically or physically to another person. This apology is meant to be an active sentiment, articulating to the harmed person his/her feelings of remorse. Most importantly, the apology is a statement of intention. The apologizer is communicating his/her objective, which is to do his/her utmost to never repeat the harm done.
This information should be written in girls’ bathrooms in primary schools everywhere. For today, the number of females using the words “I’m sorry” to mean “I’m sorry for who I am” is staggering. It’s heard in schools, out of the mouths of young beautiful babes. Girls and women say just these two words: “I’m sorry” but I hear so much more than that. They are saying, “I’m sorry I have needs.” They are saying, “I’m sorry I am not as pretty as her, not as smart as I should be, not as quiet as you wish I would be”. They are saying, “I’m sorry I am not super- human”. They are saying, “I’m sorry I take up space on the planet.”
Where do we learn to apologize for our existence? Where do we get the outrageous idea that we have to be sorry?
It was intensely painful to witness a mommy who was so sorry she existed. But her bogus apologies were not only her declaration of years of shame and low self esteem, they also became her only power source. So many times Mommy’s “I’m sorry” really said to Daddy or to me “Please don’t hate me – I’m too fragile – I can’t handle anything – leave me alone”. She was not sorry. She did nothing to harm either of us and she knew that. But she could not fathom the idea of anyone expecting her to be responsible for her feelings. Her “I’m sorry” was her only defense. She was a victim as soon as she said those two little words. She did not have to be a grown-up and stand behind her needs, feelings, desires, thoughts, words or her actions. It was like she would stand on home base in a game of tag. She wasn’t playing. She said she was sorry. It was so manipulative yet so pathetic at the same time.
My father would go through bouts of being active in the disease, though I find it very rare in its occurrence in men. It can be quite contagious. I have strong evidence that the infection is passed from mother to daughter. Through generations of females, the disease can spread like wildfire. Although blood relation is not a requirement for becoming active and in it’s grip.
I remember being 6 years old and my parents yelling back and forth “I’m sorry”, “No – I’m sorry,”, “No – I’m sorry”. They were yelling at the top of their lungs. They were really shouting, “I’m the victim, “, “No – you’re the bad guy, I’m the victim”. It was crazy making. Being the only child, I screamed louder than both of them “SHUT UP! Neither of you are sorry. Grow up.” I was 6, chronologically. I’m not sure how emotionally old they were. They were stunned. My father stopped playing the game. But it was too late for my mother, for her shame ran too deep. More importantly, those two little words always worked for her. They did the trick. Who could argue? She said she was sorry.
My hope is that mothers will teach their daughters how to properly use these dangerous words. Being sorry is not something we are meant to be at all times. Ever. It is hopefully a rare occurrence that we harm others, especially one female to the next. I hear women apologizing just in case constantly. I fear what that does to their psychic state of being, to their spirit and self-image. To be sorry all the time, what an awful position to be in. Can we not interact with each other without assuming the other would be offended by us? Can we not communicate our feelings and needs and desires and hopes and dreams without penitence? I pray that women everywhere take the first step and relinquish the unconscious habit of uttering, “I’m sorry”. Let us call each other on it. Let us stop apologizing, make it conscious. Actively refuse to be sorry. Every one of us was put on this planet not by choice, by a force beyond our control. Who are we to argue? And who the hell are we to apologize for that?
