I sat there watching as the doctors tried to revive me, and I couldn’t help but wonder; “What happens now”? I didn’t see any tunnel, or the light at the end of said tunnel. I could see the heart monitor barely moving. I wasn’t quite dead. I felt very peaceful. I didn’t want to die, but I wasn’t afraid to die. I was sitting there as if I was sitting on a chair, but there was no chair. I was floating slightly above my body. I had just given birth to the most perfect little boy. A 6lb 8oz gift from God, all bundled up in one small package. Now I had everything, a beautiful five year old daughter, and now my baby boy. If I don’t survive this, I want my children to know that I love them very much and of all the regrets I have in my life, I don’t regret having them. I would do it all over again, for them.
The doctors stopped what they were doing. I could hear what they were saying. “It is all up to her now” one doctor said. “She has to want to live” the other one said. They rolled me to another room. It seems like I floated along, still hovering above my body. This is the strangest feeling I have ever had. You know that feeling you get when your foot falls asleep? That is the feeling I have throughout my entire being. Here comes my dad. I have never seen him like this. He looks so tired and sad. And he’s crying. One of the doctors went to talk to him. “Sir, we have done all we can, she has lost a lot of blood. She is stable for now; however, we don’t expect her to last through the night”. Just then it looked as though he was going to collapse. I have never seen him like this. He looked as though someone just ripped his heart out. “Daddy, I’m ok”, I screamed out. He couldn’t hear me. I turned to look at my lifeless body on the bed, I look so pale. As I sat there and watched myself, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I had all these tubes going down my throat, in my nose, heart monitor sticky things all over my chest. I remember thinking, why is this happening? As I sat there alternating my gaze from my body to my dad. I heard him praying, “God please let her live, take me instead. She has been through so much; I can’t bear to lose her”. He wanted to trade places with me. That is something that any good parent would do. I know I would gladly trade places with my child. As I sat there staring at this broken man, I remember thinking that I have never seen him like this. He was devastated. My dad is the strongest man that I have ever met. “I love you”, he muttered through the tears. He sat there holding my hand for what seemed like an eternity. That was the last time he came to see me. My sister said that it was too much for him, and he couldn’t bear to see me like that. I have never felt so loved in my entire life.
I saw my dad cry only one time; we were watching “Old Yeller”. I remember looking over at him and I was truly happy at that moment. My dad and I would spend Saturdays watching old cowboy movies on channel 9. We would sit there all day. Whenever I see an Audie Murphy movie on tv, I have to watch it. And at that moment, I feel so close to him. Whenever I would talk to him on the phone, or when I would leave from visiting him and my mother, he would always tell me, “Keep the faith”. My dad had a real strong belief and faith in God and family. My parents loved us more than life itself. Everything they did was for us kids. If I knew then, what I know now, things would really have been different. I was always in trouble. No matter what I did, they were there for me. They loved me unconditionally, which seems funny, because I was adopted. I have been with them since I was three months old. My natural mother and my Mom were sisters. I grew up thinking that Sarah way my aunt. She was one of my favorite aunts. I am glad things worked out the way they did. I just thank God that Uncle Bill and Aunt Zell, didn’t get me. They had three daughters, all starting with the letter B. there are not that many cute names that start with B. I had the best of both worlds. Parents that loved me and an aunt that also loved me.
