International English
The English language is constant source of amusement for me as I live alongside some very colourful people from a variety of different countries. So, why is this amusing? Well, fortunately for me, English is the language that is most widely spoken in order for other nations to communicate. Hoorah! Consequently, as English is my native tongue, I regularly hear some real howlers on my little island paradise in the Gulf of Thailand. Now please do not think for a minute that I am trying to ridicule other folks from other countries who are doing a marvellous job of speaking my language, whereas I sadly cannot speak theirs. No, on the contrary, I am completely in awe of anyone who speaks another language. I find it simply amazing. We would just not be ble to communicate if they didn't. Simple as that. So, I am not ridiculing, but I do want to share some priceless moments with you……
The Ice Breaker
A few years ago, when bird flu was the hot topic, especially if you lived in South East Asia, I was having a small party which involved large quantities of gin. It was the first one of the year and there were a few new people there who we had just met and thus, as it was early evening, the conversation remained polite.
The question is asked “Does anyone know whether there has been any cases of bird flu reported on the island yet?”
Daniel, lovely gay Dutch man who speaks beautiful and oh so accurate English, replies ”No, there are no cases of bird flu at all on the island. I was reading in the Bangkok Post….. all the cocks on the island are clean and healthy”.
Stunned silence. It's one of those moments when you just don't know how to react. We don't all know each other that well at this point, but this is just too good to pass over. I can feel a balloon of hilarity building inside my rib cage. I look around at our group to see if I can see anything similar happening with them. Yes…. there it is…..they've all clocked it….. can they hold….can they…. Nooooo!
Angelica (German) is first in with a beauty, “Bloody hell Daniel! Wish you'd told me before….. I'm going home tomorrow!”
Ahahah! Many people falling on the floor in crumpled heaps of laughter. More gin then?! Oh how we bonded over Daniel's clean and healthy cock story, which incidentally has now been told at many dinner parties around the world. Daniel had the good grace and humour to be delighted with his faux pa and is always keen for someone to relate the story in his presence!
The Back Handed Compliment
One evening the conversation turned to my good friend Gin Jan (the clue is in the name), much to her horror, as the question of her age came up. Now GJ (English) is looking might fine. She's the wrong side of 55 but looks more like 45. She's a knockout! (Although she never believes anyone who tells her). Cedric (French speaking Swiss) nearly fell off his chair when he found out. “Zhan, my God,” he said in his fantastic thick French accent, “I zhought you were zhirty vize (35)” A moment of silence. Furrowed brows. Confusion expressions. Native English speakers and other Europeans alike tried to digest this offering. Haych (English) turns to GJ and with her usual deadpan dryness responded, ”Well, Gin Jan, I'm sure Cedric just said you should be certified. I don't know about you but frankly I think that's a bit rude”. I think this was probably a bit too much of what is known as the "English sense of humour" for some, Others fell about, whilst poor Cedder's still hadn't got a clue what certified meant! Brilliant!
Stale Mate
Marika's (German) "long stay bread" will make me laugh to the day I die. She was kindly making me a sandwich but she only had "long stay bread". Long stay bread? What the bloody hell is long stay bread? I wonder if she got that from the German Bakery up the road? They sell some really strange stuff in there. Really, they do.
But no, what she wanted to tell me was that she had no fresh bread, but didn't know the word for stale, so she had ingeniously come up with long stay bread as the closest she could get. I like it, it really caught on. We still call it long stay bread. Much more descriptive, don't you think?
Irish Whisky
Now, just because English is my native tongue, it would seem that doesn't necessarily mean that it's all plain sailing. One night, I went to meet some friends in a local bar. I walked in, there were two Swiss, a German and two Thais. There was a man at the bar I didn't know. One Swiss man says to me “Thank god you are "ere. Speak with this man. He says he is speaking English, but no one understand what he"s saying.” “Where's he from?”. “He's Irish”. Ah, OK. I can see that they might have a few problems with that, but nothing I couldn't handle???!!!! Crikey jeepers, got that wrong!
I sit down next to the Irish guy. “Hi,” I say “how are you?” He replies (I think)…a sentence of something or other, not sure. I turn back to the others….”He's not speaking English.” I tell them confidently. Large hilarity break out. “He is! You not understand him either? He speak same language as you!! Ahahah!” OK, I try again. I turn back to the man, he's looking at me and he knows. He knows we are speaking the same language, he knows what I'm saying, he knows I haven't got a clue what he's saying, and he knows that no one in the bar knows what he's saying either. The poor sod.
Right. Concentrate. Ask him to speak more slowly…. people are always asking me to do that….. mind you, they don't speak English. Never mind. “Please speak slowly”. Right we're getting somewhere. His name is ……….yes….it's Paddy. No, really, it's true! Paddy from Cork. Paddy from Cork after twelve Mekong (Thai whisky) Cokes. Twelve! 70% proof. Oh for god's sake. What chance do you really have? That explains it. Is it my fault he's incoherent?
For a moment I was in the twilight zone. How do you explain to five non-native English speakers who are falling about all over the place with laughter, that you can't communicate with someone who speaks the same language? Thank God he was drunk, because I do wonder whether I would have been able to understand him anyway. It was a very strong brogue. Paddy stayed around for a week or two, so we managed to develop a form of English that we could all understand. Well, mostly… sort of…..yeah.
So, our rich language. A great source of national and international confusion. Providing an unlimited source of pure laughter. I can amuse myself for hours pondering and playing with words, listening to others, reading other peoples offerings.
The conclusion I have come to is that I don't have enough time in this lifetime to master another language as I am having far too much fun with this one!
