Life is full of choices. Each choice I make involves some type of sacrifice. With the exception of the rare occasions when I’ve made spontaneous choices, a certain amount of thought and weighing of odds precedes each choice. In the course of my life so far, I’ve made both wise and unwise decisions. I’ve reaped the rewards from wise choices and paid the price for the mistakes I’ve made. Lately, I’ve come to realize that at this stage of my life the choices I make are of utmost importance because I am dying.
I have not been diagnosed with a terminal illness. I don’t have insight into the future to know the anticipated date of my death nor the circumstances surrounding it. My belief is that each person has a certain, but unknown, number of days in which to live on this earth. Therefore, according to this way of thinking, the countdown to death actually starts on the first day of one’s life. I don’t consider my way of thinking as morbid nor pessimistic. It’s just my way of looking at life and death.
I happen to love fudge bars. Just the other day I sat down to enjoy a fudge bar at the end of a stressful day. I was in a contemplative mood at that time and allowed my thoughts to wander freely. It occurred to me that possibly I should allow living to be as pleasurable for me as a fudge bar is. I already approach most of life’s choices in the same manner in which I open a fudge bar. I slowly tear off the paper and for some odd reason never crumple it up but fold it neatly before placing it in the trash. I usually approach decisions in a slow, meticulously, well thought out manner. Upon completion of a task or action, I do not leave a crumpled trail for others to deal with. I leave the paths I travel neat and clean so that I will not cause the next traveler to stumble.
To eat a fudge bar quickly would deprive me of the lingering moments of pleasure derived from its cool creamy texture and delicious taste of chocolate. On the rare occasions when I’ve quickly bitten off chunks of a fudge bar, chewed rapidly, and swallowed without savoring the flavor I regretted that choice. I cheated myself. I don’t like being deprived of the ecstasy of indulging in such a pleasurable experience.
Since I am in the process of dying I don’t know which fudge bar will be my last. Therefore, I have decided that the best way to eat a fudge bar when I’m dying is to take small bites, allow the frozen chocolate to melt within the warm walls of my mouth, and inhale deeply after swallowing. I should make the pleasure last as long as it possibly can since it might be my very last fudge bar.
That’s how I want to live out whatever time I have left before I die. I want to enjoy life in small segments, savoring every moment of each pleasant experience. I want to inhale deeply at the end of each serendipitous moment and fully appreciate it before I anticipate the next one. If I continue to take life hurriedly and in big chunks I am cheating myself out of many of life’s pleasures. That which is beautiful goes unnoticed or becomes a blur when I quickly pass by it. By rapidly racing through life I may miss out on wonderful friendships that simply don’t have time to develop.
I can feel that it is time for me to approach life as if it were a fudge bar. It’s time to slow down. It’s time to allow myself to love and be loved without anticipating or fearing the pain of loss. It’s time to savor the contented feeling that comes with having someone special to share life with.
