Understanding Women
To our boyfriends, brothers, class mates, co-workers and friends. To those we love and those we love to hate, I have something to say to you.
If you can pee standing up, look alive, because you're about to receive a much-needed crash course in Understanding Women 101.
Lesson one will take a lot of practice to perfect, but believe me, if you're successful your female counter parts will be eternally grateful. Women come in all shapes and sizes, but it can almost be guaranteed she wishes she was a smaller less round one. Keep in mind these few simple tips to avoid a low-carb conundrum.
Woman and Body Image
There is one question with the ability to strike fear into the heart of even the bravest man; does this make me look fat? Timing is everything so don't let the fear choke you up, if you wait too long to answer, the damage is nearly irreversible. In other words, it's going to take a lot of sucking up to get out of the dog house.
Don't look too long, she'll assume you're trying to decide which answer will get you in the least trouble and then you're really going to get it. There should be no more than a 1.5 second pause between the question and a shocked, decisive “no!”
If you know a lady in your life who is on a diet, remember; she always looks five pounds thinner than the last time you saw her. This is a perfect number because it's just enough to be reasonably noticeable, but not enough to be an obvious ploy for brownie points.
If she reaches for another slice of cake at dinner, avoid such comments as “That one's even bigger than the last one!” or “How many weight watchers points is that worth?”
Living With a Woman
If you've actually survived sharing living space with a woman, then you know she's no more docile than a mother lion when it comes to her territory. If you would like to continue surviving, this next set of tips is for you.
A bra found strewn around the house is not to be used as a slingshot, head piece or as any part of a scientific experiment. Bras are tricky things, they need to be broken in like a new pair of shoes, any amount of tampering may alter the comfort level and a woman wearing an uncomfortable bra is not a woman you want to deal with.
I know you think your boxers are comfortable, but they will never be an acceptable substitute for pants when her mother comes for dinner. Two displeased women are never better than one.
If you can remember the first name and middle initial you gave your car, a lady expects that when you leave the bathroom you'll be able to remember to put the toilet seat down.
When it comes to personal habits I know that improvement is a two way street, so she'll stop leaving her unmentionables on top of the dryer the day you stop leaving your facial hair in the sink.
That Time
I've heard you joking around with your friends from time to time, about why your sister snapped at you when you accidentally turned off American Idol or why your girlfriend burst into tears unexpectedly, but guys trust me, a woman's monthly friend is no joke and failure to pay attention to this last set of tips may be painful or even fatal.
If you're in the middle of a sentence and you find that you have to stop to ask yourself if what you're about to say will make her yell at you, chances are, it probably will.
If a woman is acting a little bit moody, it's a nice gesture to ask her what's wrong, this question however, should never under any circumstances be followed by: Is it that time of the month again?
Lastly, keep in mind; if you bled for five days straight, you'd be a little unfriendly too.
If after reading this, you avoid one night spent on the sofa, one cold shoulder, one migraine caused by yelling or painful kick where it hurts, then congratulations gentlemen, you are successful graduates of Understanding Women 101.
