My experiences with the paranormal

Recently I sought the advice per say of a psychic medium looking for answers that I didn't realize I already had. I too have some psychic ability but have so very often brused it off, pushed it aside and ignored what it was my inner voice was trying to tell me. Why some ask, why not tune into this gift?? FEAR! Yes, fear of the unknown is what so often keeps us all from following our true destinies. I know there are many skeptics out there and that's ok because I am part skeptic too.

So often through the years visions of happenings have invaded and come to me through dreams. The thing is I never truly understood what I was being told or even what I was actually seeing in these dreams. Often times I do not even remember the dream, just the feeling, the sense that something just isn't right. At times these thoughts are so very vivid that it is as though I am watching my own life and that of another's from some place other than there in the moment. It's as though I am floating, lingering above the actions, the visions and the happenings I am witnessing. To me this is often very disturbing and for many years have made me think as though I am losing my mind. That was until the visions I saw or the thoughts that permeated my mind began to take on a more happier entity. It was then that I began believing in the gift that I apparently do possess.

In December of 1992 my brother James took his own life and for many years, and even now I have experienced a lot of guilt because I did not tune into the feelings, thoughts and emotions that were trying to find their way into my gut. I did not follow my instincts, I did not want to believe that what I felt inside my very soul could be real. I did not want to believe that something so terrible was about to happen, something I now feel that somehow, in someway I could have done something about.

We had company the day before I found my brother after he committed suicide. I used this as just another excuse not to follow my gut. I'd already used other excuses that day and now the only excuse I have is the one that haunts my thoughts and entire being, I failed! I failed not only my brother but myself included. If only I'd listened to what my heart was telling me, would the outcome have been different?? Who knows really, we can't go back, we can't change what is and I for one cannot forgive myself for not listening to my inner voice. Most of my family I'm sure doesn't even know the things that I am about to say. The one and only person that I am certain that knows exactly what I am talking about, felt and experienced that day and the day before my brother's death is my mom. My mom too has had many occurrences with pyschic ability, dreams relating to the paranormal and instinctual feelings and perceptions of happenings that have yet to occur.

The night before I found my brother I prayed to God to help James make the right decisions in regards to his life and I asked God to watch over him. I remember this was a Sunday night and since the previous day my brother was on my mind and tugging at my heartstrings and I didn't know why. Perhaps I didn't want to know why and as I know things now I know that I just wasn't intune with my inner gift. The next afternoon I got a call at work from my mom asking me to go and check on James before I came home that evening. I realize now that she felt this pull as strongly as I did, wondering and needing to know if the thoughts permeating through our minds and hearts was truly a sign that things were not right.

I got off work shortly after 4pm that afternoon and having told my mom that I would go and check on James before coming home I headed to his apartment to do just that. My brother kept a notepad on his apartment door and as I began to leave a message for him that I had been there, something changed my mind and I remembered I had a key to his apartment so I decided to let myself in and leave him a note there where no one else could read it. As I entered his apartment I turned left into the small kitchen and leaned over the table to grab a pen and paper and began to leave a note. Yet before I wrote even one word a very strange emotion came over me and out of the corner of my eye I saw my brother James lying on his bed with his hands folded across his chest and a gun leaning against his bed. I never entered his room that day, I didn't need to. I just knew he was dead and my entire being froze to that spot for what seemed an enterity. How I managed to even get the police or an ambulance there is still somewhat unclear to me although I do recall yelling at someone, who I'm not sure, to call 911. That's all I remember of those first moments and yet the moments, the vision that are etched in my mind of how my brother was lying there is still so very vivid in my heart and mind. I see the blood on his head, the hole where the gunshot left it's mark and I see the tattoo of "L O V E" that he had across his knuckles and everytime I see James in my mind's eye and in my heart I see those letters so clearly it's as though I can reach out and touch each and everyone. I knew my brother was unhappy, that point was made very clear to me just 6 days before I found him. James looked at me and then out the window of his tiny apartment and told me that he did not want to be here anymore. Those words have resounded in my head and my heart for all these years making the guilt that's inside so difficult to get passed.