Recently I was able to meet with a Soviet Communist, and, under the cover of anonymity, we discussed the current international political landscape, and the upcoming US presidential election.
Kitteric: Thank you for taking the time to sit down with me for this discussion.
Anonymous Communist: You are most welcome, comrade.
K: So, it would appear that, now, nearly twenty years since the fall of the Soviet Union that things are looking up for old style communists.
AC: Da! Da! In mother Russia, President Putin, a true friend to oppressed workers of the world, has begun to restore order.
K: What would you say impresses you most about Mr. Putin?
AC: His credentials. Comrade Putin is former Major in the KGB. KGB kept us all safe. Safe from foreign threats, safe from each other, even safe from ourselves.
K: That's very interesting. What exactly do you mean when you say “safe from ourselves”?
AC: Answer is simple! The individual is weak, like little girl. When given choice, individual many times chooses wrongly. State is strong like bear. State knows what is best for us all and always makes right choice.
K: But weren't there severe food shortages and a major health care crisis under the communist regime in the USSR?
AC: Mr. Kitteric, do you know what Polonium is?
K: Well, uh, moving on; what is your view on the American political scene?
AC: Is looking up. Even though your capitalism is evil and opportunistic, I see great hope for your society. For instance, your school system is nearly perfect.
K: How is that?
AC: First, government controls public schools. This means majority of children are taught what government wants, in way government wants.
K: I see, please, go on.
AC: Second, teachers belong to union. Labor unions are one thing that your country has right. Any group that works for greater good of majority is good. Teachers get more compensation for lower standards. Most importantly, government starts indoctrination early. Most children start school at four or five years, proletariat start even younger with state funded “head start” programs.
K: When you say proletariat, what exactly do you mean?
AC: Proletariat is most important part of America. They already live near communist way of life. They have all needs met by state. Housing projects to live in, food stamps for groceries, welfare for income, and public health care.
K: That's a very non-traditional viewpoint.
AC: That, comrade, is why we call it a revolution.
K: With the upcoming US presidential elections, I wonder who you might support.
AC: That is not as easy a question as you might think. You see, back home, before this perestroika (spits on floor), we did not need choice. State knew who best man for job was. Of course, a democrat will be the obvious choice. The American Communist Party, and the Green Party, sadly, don't stand a chance.
All the democrat candidates seem to understand that people must not be responsible for their choices. Socialist health care is an important part of most of their campaigns. I suppose if I had to make a choice, it would be Hillary. Mrs. Clinton has the best health plan, it would eliminate all private health care and mandate state provided doctors. She also seems to have the spirit of a true revolutionary like Chairman Lenin. I believe that Mrs. Clinton will do whatever she needs to gain the power needed to properly run a communist state.
K: I know that you're short on time here; do you have any parting words of wisdom for our readers?
AC: Money is the root of all evil. Communism is the answer. When everyone works for the government, everything is free. War is Peace; Freedom is Slavery; Ignorance is Strength
K: Thank you for that. And to all our readers out there, the preceding was entirely satire and did not take place.
