Most of us hate it when people shout at us. It reminds us of being in trouble at school and makes us feel we are in the wrong, and powerless to fight back. While a few relationships thrive on a good blow-out where both parties let rip and then make up, often there is a mismatch, with one partner more likely to lose their temper than the other. This can result in the other person walking of eggshells in the hope that they will never inflame that anger. This is quite a big task to handle!
Our attitudes towards the expression of anger are largely informed by the way anger was viewed in the household where we grew up. For instance talking about my experience from childhood, I can say that I have accumulated anger. Anger that was never expressed, due the dominant parenting I was raised by. And I was living in a tense environment as I was never able to express my point of views. Seeing my parents angry made me fear them.
Our attitudes towards the expression of anger are largely informed by the way anger was viewed in the household where we grew up. Was it accepted that it was Ok to flare up, apologize and then move on, or was everyone discouraged from expressing their anger? If you lived in a house where people rarely lost their temper then you might even interpret your partner's shouting as meaning they do not even love you. To be honest this has been my case. Whilst growing older I thought that my parents did not love me, as my childhood was nothing more than shouting and screaming.
Breaking the Pattern
Another person's anger can be very frightening and leave you feeling powerless. If you are someone who hates it, question why you feel this way: is there a way of changing your reaction to anger? Remember that adults are responsible for their own behaviour, so if someone chooses to scream and shout when they feel frustrated, then this is their choice and not your fault.
Anger has evolved for a reason and, in the right circumstances, it is an emotion that can be an effective communication too. But no one likes to be on the receiving end and the problem comes when it happens too frequently. Changing your reaction to anger can make a real difference.
Anger Management
The goal of anger management is to keep you, your family and others safe-emotionally and physically. When anger is not managed, but only blurted or acted-out, your emotional feelings are commandeered by the physiological arousal caused by the huge spikes in adrenalin, cortisol and other stress-inducing chemicals that take place.
These substances make you want to fight and hurt others. That makes unmanaged anger a truly drug or chemically-induced state. The good news is, however, that you can learn to control your rage even though you can't get rid of the things or the people that may cause it.
Are You Too Angry?
Tests are available that can measure the intensity of your angry feelings and how well you are able to control them. However, the chances are good that if you do have a problem with managing your anger, you already know it.
If you find yourself acting in ways that appear or feel out of control or frightening to yourself or others, you probably need assistance in finding better ways to deal with this very high risk and often dangerous emotion.
Why do Some People Appear More Out of Control than Others?
Some psychologists actually believe that because of genetics and hereditary factors, some people really are more "hotheaded" than others; that is, their initial spikes of anger lead them to get angry more easily and intensely than the average person might. There are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy.
Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk or just get physically ill.
Do you have a low tolerance for obstacles? People who anger easily generally have a low tolerance for frustration; they feel that life should not be confronting them with obstacles, inconveniences or hassles. They have great difficulty taking obstacles in stride, and they get furious if they seem unjust.
In addition to genetics, what other factors may be influential in making people very easily angered?
Well, another set of factors may be socio-cultural. We are taught that it is OK to express worry, fear and other emotions, but not anger. Consequently, some speculate that we fail to learn constructive ways of manage it.
We also know that family background is a factor. Frequently, people who are easily angered were raised in families that were particularly disruptive, dysfunctional or not adept at communicating feelings well.
