Is It Good to be Totally Spontaneous and Honest All the Time?
This is a dangerous myth that many people still believe. Some people use this discredited assumption as justification to communicate in ways that hurt or diminish others.
Studies demonstrate that expressing all your anger spontaneously actually causes it to escalate and does nothing to help. The best advice is to first, identify what triggers your anger. Then when a triggering situation presents itself, have a good talk with yourself to keep it from tipping you over the edge.
Solutions
One cannot cure someone else's short fuse. No matter how much you try to make life run smoothly, trains will still be missed and equipment will break. With this kind of anger, the key is to remember that you do not control events and this anger is not a personal attack on you. And while one cannot stop it from getting worse, and help yourself deal with it better.
If one's partner anger is generally for example a foul temper and starts swearing at the computer, don not necessarily mean you have to rush to help!!! This simply reinforces the existing pattern of behavior: they get cross and you sort it out for them. One cannot change another person, but he can stop reinforcing old patterns. Then there are the occasions where the anger is directed at you. This is never pleasant but, unless it is extreme or violent, there are things one can do to deal with the problem.
The Golden Rules
- Do not react straightaway. Instead of firing back with the first thing you think of, take a moment to think about what you want to say. If you have information to give them that counters their beliefs, tell them as early as possible. Experiments have shown that new information only diffuses anger if it is given early.
- Respond assertively, not angrily. Rather than inflaming the situation with your own accusations, keep the golden rules for assertiveness. Acknowledge their feelings, say what you feel and state what you want to happen.
- Try not to rise to every criticism. It this is somebody who gets angry a lot, unfair as it may seem to you, they probably do not mean everything they are saying.
Advice
If you know you want to continue this relationship, you need to speak to your partner. And one has to address
- what is going on
- how you feel about it
- what you want to be different
And one needs to establish:
- If your partner's behavior affects you
- What is behind the partner's angry reactions?
The natural temptations is to wait until he is calmed down, but that is a mistake. It is better to take the initiative. Tell him you are anxious and you need to talk, not right now, while he is feeling angry, but soon.
Make an appointment to chat. Set a boundary and say that you are not happy with the situation and that you are not ready to keep on going the way things are. It may be a difficult thing to do if you are already anxious, but you can still say that you are frightened of saying things.
Make it clear you share responsibilities. Tell your other half that you find it difficult to deal with his bad temperaments. And that causes a tense atmosphere. It is likely that he would not know how his behavior is affecting you. And after when you have brought out you opinion he may respond. In the meantime, you have broken trap of your anxieties and you can talk it through.
