As a rule, our perception operates on three levels: a) how we perceive ourselves b) how we perceive our world, and c) how we are perceived by others. All three levels are dictated by our confidence and esteem, especially in the perception of ourselves, which actually affects everything else in our day.
Good self-perception is influenced by the following:
- The way we feel inside our own skin;
- Where we are coming from;
- The achievements we have had;
- The extent to which we like what we see;
- The value we place upon ourselves as special human beings;
- What potential we acknowledge;
- The power and authority we have over others.
If we feel low and perceive ourselves to be worthless, we also view our world in a worthless way. Everything we do afterwards becomes a hassle. We appear more victims than victors; we tend to dread all new experiences and negative things always seem to happen to us. Our world does not seem half as pleasant or enjoyable as that of others. We tend to get stuck in the past, which always looks better, and we are truly hard work for other people who have to bear the brunt of this negativity and try to keep us happy. Often they give up with frustration and leave us to it by avoiding us at every opportunity.
In this kind of personal reality our reason drives our perception and awareness - reason being the framework upon which to peg the daily reality of living. It consists of our personal notions of what is right and wrong. That is why anything which "flies in the face of reason" is generally defined as insane or promptly ignored. As someone puts it cogently: "Reason is the bullying guard at the gates of perception." It keeps our perspective in check and in balance, but it is a perspective which is flawed by our individual ethics.
As our world view grows, the nature of what we are perceiving becomes, or seems to become, clearer because our reason will step in and not only clarify the viewpoint, but validate it too. These visions may be logical but, influenced by personal bias, they will not necessarily be correct.
How Others See Us
Perception is so powerful, it immediately affects the way others see us. For example, if you told someone that you are a fighter, depending on how you look, and coupled with their own prejudice, they would perceive you to be either the brawling street type or a professional boxer. Looking very successful would help to maintain the latter perception. Worst of all, because the way others perceive us affects the quality of the life we lead and the opportunities to enhance ourselves, poor self-perception leads to an equally negative perception by others, which keeps us in the same rut throughout our lives.
Other people cannot view us in a better light than we view ourselves. That might happen on initial impact without too much information to go on. However, once we start to behave in a certain way, it gives the green light to others to form judgments about us and the initial high expectation will rapidly fall to coincide with our own low esteem, or vice versa. Hence the old maxim of having to "prove" ourselves in any new situation. All we are really doing in such instances is matching the perception of others to the reality we perceive for ourselves in our bid to impress. This is most obvious in the perception of partners toward each other once they are married.
According to one writer, when people set up home together the most common expectations of the union include “Having a housekeeper, a dinner partner, a traveling companion, someone with whom to debate current affairs and someone to share leisure interests with”. These stark requirements are universal for any couple and the extent to which they are fulfilled depends on the perception of both parties.
The couple who couldn't even get out of bed during their honeymoon will find that things rapidly change when the partnership begins in earnest. The trick is to like yourself before getting hitched, otherwise “Poor self-perception means you'll be bringing dull company to the party!”
Gender Expectations After Marriage
This is because people will remain the same in a marriage as they have always been. It's only their perception of each other that changes significantly. Many women would like to make their men more romantic, loving, caring and appreciative. They live in the hope of changing men after they begin to live with them, to make them into the ideal person they seek. They perceive men as the clay which they can shape to their idea of perfection over time but, if they find it so hard to change themselves, how can it be any easier to change another person?
For their part, many men live in fear of the women they marry changing at all. They wish their partner to stay the same throughout the relationship, to be the exact individual they loved so much in the attraction phase - for them to stay slim, svelte and beautiful, always. But that is not possible because we all have to change as we get older and age soon take its toll.
Men change too, hence the bald heads and wider girth they acquire later, but many do not acknowledge this change. They are usually too busy focusing on their partners' growing lines and sagging parts to notice anything about themselves. In fact, by living in denial regarding their own physical development, it provides the rationale to keep them from changing themselves in any way.
Additionally, the more we try to change someone, the more likely he/she is to resist and to perceive it as an assault on who they are and whom they prefer to be. Changing others then becomes a futile process but one which, ironically, occupies a major part of our lives.
Gradually we learn that only by changing ourselves and our perceptions will we get the change we seek in others. But often, by then, it is too late.
