People don't really understand what it is like to be diagnosed with a mental illness and be so severely ill that it precludes you from being able to work for a living hence, necessitating being on Social Security Disability Income. People have told me recently how lucky I am to be freed from having to work and do whatever you want to do during the day. It doesn't work that way.
First of all, it's a dog's life, there's no honor in it and this is definitely not what I went to school for as a business student years ago. It is quite humiliating.
Being sick is stigmatizing. People can understand it if you have a broken foot etc. but they have a hard time comprehending a troubled psyche. One of my old friends from my public school days, who himself has trouble relating to a boss, told me “You have a really good scam.” One day, he might wind up like me.
Also, with all that free time, I have to structure my own day. A day can be pretty long when you have to figure out what to do with all the time when you are awake. Especially, considering how I am not a day program right now. I am in a pickle.
Phillip Birnbaum's Book of Jewish Concepts, states that work dignifies a person. And I really liked the days when I was gainfully employed as a computer programmer/analyst, but one day I lost my job during a downsizing. I worked for another company and was fired for being too slow and I have been unable to get back up on my feet again for 13 years.
I was so depressed when I first was on SSDI that I was sleeping about 16 or more hours a day. Quite simply, I really never wanted to wake up again.
Over the years, I have been a member of a number of mental health organizations and I was a leader in one of them. I even gave speeches on the State House in Trenton, NJ. But due to my political incorrectness I wound up losing my position there too and all the positive things I was trying to accomplish simply fell apart and were destroyed.
Essentially, I became my own worst enemy. Then again, that's usually the case. The person who looks back at you in the mirror is the real enemy, i.e., the internal enemy. WE have met the enemy and the enemy is us.
I have quite a few hobbies and they include playing the guitar, making rubber objects like masks and toys and weightlifting. I used to play the guitar in coffee houses in NJ and one of my ex buddies said of my choice in music, “heavy metal and Jewish music, talk about a bi-polar diagnosis.”
My injuries make it impossible to lift anymore and making rubber objects is messy and can cause problems clogging up the sink so I don't do either anymore, so that's 2 things gone from my life. More time to myself is the result.
One way I occupy my time constructively is going to church and some Bible Studies. That enables me to connect to people in a loving fashion.
I am Jewish by birth and lived in Israel for about 4 and ½ years. I also did 2 tour groups when I was 13 and 16. I finished my college education in Israel and got my degrees through American universities that had programs in Israel. I speak conversational Hebrew and have studied the Torah with a number of outreach organizations but I ran out of gas when it came to Orthopraxy as I would call it.
I also took up writing for a vocation and that's why I am on this site. I like the hi-tech way of doing business and using these blogs to monetize my content really turns me on. It's the wave of the future. I spend a few hours a day at the library working on my writings, communicating with my friends, being involved in politics and I also have a computer at home.
I'm hoping to nurse myself back to health and become a viable person again. I have numerous problems but with the right supports, I should be able to make a living for myself again.
My treatment team at The University of Medicine and Dentistry has stated that there has been a marked improvement in my condition ever since I rededicated my life to Yeshua Hamashiach (Jesus Christ). I am letting God lead me as he deems fit. I believe that the teachings of Yeshua are the cure for the ills of modern man.
I am working with The University of Medicine and Dentistry of the State of NJ's Right Fit Employment Agency to help me land some short-term freelance writing contracts to augment my using the blogs. I hope it'll cause a turn around in my financial situation.
