10 Sure Ways to Get Over Him

by Anne Lyken Garner, Apr 7, 2007

Can't seem to get over a terrible break-up? Follow these sure ways of finally putting it behind you for good.

We have all been through complicated break-ups before, some tougher than others. Sometimes it feels like we would never recover from the anguish and desperation losing love can bring. This is why I've outlined 10 powerful ways to help.

1. Whatever You Do, Don't Call Him

Hearing his voice just brings back old memories. He may say something non-committal so as not to hurt you, (he may not right for you, but this doesn't make him a monster) but your aching heart will interpret it as a sign of his undying love. This just drags you on indefinitely like a stray who returns only because her visits are rewarded with a morsel of food. Keep in mind that the more time you waste on a ruined relationship, the deeper your torment, and the longer the healing period.

2. Do Spend Some Time on Your Own

You have had years being with someone else who inadvertently dictated when you went out, and when you were blissful or sad. Give yourself some self assessment time. What have you been putting up with in this relationship? Can you now see the warning signs you initially chose to ignore because you hoped it would get better? Now that you're aware of the stop lights, there is a better chance of you being able to spot them before you've invested too much into subsequent relationships.

3. Do Write a List

Now you have more time to yourself, make a list of all the things you hated about your ex. Read them every time you agonise over him. Then thank your lucky stars you are rid of him. Honestly, would you have been able to put up with his annoying ways or his callousness for the rest of your life? Keep the note, you may want to refer to it later on when you are tempted to get serious with someone else who possesses those same attributes.

4. Don't Go to His Favourite Hangouts

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You might see him there, but even worse, he might have company - a new woman. This will only break your sore heart again. Time heals, and seeing him socially doesn't give you the space you need to do so.

5. Don't Keep His Things

If he's left anything at your place, pack them up and ask a friend to deliver them to him. In your fragile state of mind, it is easy to fool yourself that you simply want to return his belongings when actually, you want to see him. He can sense this and may try to take advantage of you. You wouldn't be able to say no.

6. Do Treat Yourself

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If it is at all possible, have a holiday, or a week-end out of town. This is the best route of keeping out of his way, and out of his sight. You will rediscover the things you like about yourself thus restoring some of your dwindling self-confidence.

Spending time to enjoy your interests, this confirms your individuality and separates you from who you were with him. If you can't go away, give yourself a new hair do, a massage, a cheap week-end at your parents' or at relatives far away, or just couple of nights out of town.

7. Do Have a Good Cry

Ideally, several of them. There is nothing like a good sit down with a mate and a shared heart-felt cry. Don't be afraid to call up your friend or ask her to come over. Better yet, once you've had your full of alone time, invite a whole bunch of friends over. Watch a flick, paint your nails, and most of all talk about men. Believe me, we've all been desperate to get back with our exes before and we know how it feels. Don't feel guilty, your mates want to get involved, there is something about being a woman that goes hand in hand with sharing heartache. Let it all out, cry, burn his pictures, whatever it takes, just release.

8. Don't Be Nasty

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We all know he deserves it, but being obnoxious doesn't solve anything. Don't write accusing letters, make drunken phone calls etc. just let him be. I am sure we can all remember being on the receiving end of this. All it did was reinforce our decision that it was indeed the right one to make. Who wants to be with a psycho?

However, if nastiness is what it takes for you get over him because he was a pig, you can, instead of returning his things, give his prized possessions away to charity shops. Nothing beats this. Or have a good old bonfire with mates along to join in. (Don't make a fire on your own if you are in a state, besides having someone to cheer you on is much more enjoyable).

9. Do Use Your Free Time

Do something for someone else. Nothing else makes us happier than losing ourselves in helping others. I think this is one of the ultimate fulfilments of being human, and maybe this is why it feels so good. Witnessing how much happiness we could bring to someone's life never fails to transform our own. No amount of shopping or drinking can provide as much satisfaction as just an hour a week with someone who needs us. Old people's homes are always looking for volunteers. Their patients are frequently lonely and sad. You might know someone personally who needs a bit of help or just someone to talk to. There are always women support lines and Child line. Help someone get over their problem and losing him will not feel like you've lost the world.

10. Don't Rush into a New Relationship

This is not such a good idea. Remember you are only seeking reassurance of your self worth. Seeing someone else so soon may mean that you are looking for your self-confidence to be ratified by someone else. This is not a good sign. Of course you might be one of the lucky ones who find true love after a bad break up but this doesn't happen very often so be aware. Not because you hope that the next guy will be ‘The One' he is.

In the end, we've all been there. Don't feel like you're alone in this. Anyone over twenty-five can remember a particularly bad break-up which left us feeling like we had lost our mind. In many cases, these relationships were the ones most fraught with issues. No matter how hard you love someone, this will not make him your Mr Right. People seldom change who they are and if a man is ever going to, it's his love for you which will make him do so not the other way around.

Take heart, because this means ‘The One' is still out there waiting for you to find him.

When you are ready, go get him girl.

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#1 by Liane Schmidt, Dec 4, 2007

Thank you for this encouraging, thoughtful piece.

Best wishes.

Sincerely,

-Liane Schmidt.

#2 by nickie, Jan 3, 2008

one true thing is none of these things rlly work.. especially when u rlly love the person but thnx for the advice

#3 by Anne Lyken-Garner, Jan 4, 2008

Nickie, I hope you return because I can truly understand what you're feeling.

To be honest, I have tried these points and they DO work, but only for people who have decided that they are ready to move on. It is difficult I know to make the inital attempt to get over someone, because this decision in effect is saying you're ready to give them up. This is the last thing one wants to do with someone they desperately love.

I'm now happily married, but I've loved desperately and passionately and lost. When this happens you feel as though you're never going to love again. I think that part of this feeling stems from our human nature which yearns to hold on to something that makes us feel good (and rightfully so).

Many times we neglect to look at the negative side of relationships that have no lasting future because we know that if we do, we'll have to accept that they will not work.

I will tell you this, the last time I suffered a broken relationship, I thought that my world had well and truly ended. I thought that I would never feel like that again no matter who came along. I refused to see that the relationship, although good, had no lasting quality because of little things (little things that would've turned into major things had we gotten married and had kids, and had to face the realities of bills and just life in general)

It was only when I fully accepted that that relationship had ended and that my heart was broken but it would heal with time, that I met the most wonderful man on earth. We got married, had kids and after 11 years are still blissfully happy. He still calls me up from work just to say he loves me. He does everything I do for the kids, shares the cooking right down the middle and still is as affectionate as he was in the beginning.

Try these things in this article. Get your friends to help you. First you must decide that it is over and that you have got to press forward and begin to heal. At this point you may still be holding on to the hurt because you are scared that if you let it go, you'll let him go.

Nickie, he's already gone.

#4 by Meri Jeffrey, Feb 1, 2008

I only wish more people could read your content and take your sound advice! Keep it up!

#5 by Sarah, Feb 1, 2008

Thanks, this is all very helpful. I am longing to let go and move on but there is still something deep in my heart refusing to give up, I just don't know how to shake it.

#6 by Anne Lyken-Garner, Feb 3, 2008

Sarah, this is understandable. It happens to everyone after a break-up. The important thing is that when you think about him, use not your heart which only remembers the good times. Think of him with your head, the rational side of you that remembers why it didn't work, and all the heart ache that you experienced while you were together.

The loss we feel after breaking up with someone we love is a lot easier to bear than the hurt they cause us while we are still in a relationship with them during the time that they are supposed to love us.

At least you know that now he's not supposed to be loyal to, or love you. What your heart says now is a lot less than what it would've said if it knew that the person who's supposed to care for you is treating everyone else better than he treats you.

One day soon, when you can open your heart again, you will meet the person you wanted that yesterday guy to be, and then you will really see that he wasn't what you actually wanted, you were only making do with him.

#7 by Erica T Barton, Feb 3, 2008

Great Advice.

#8 by Greg, Mar 7, 2008

Check out Lushka16's guide to getting dumped on the Somethingawful.com forums, because breaking up affects more than one party :)

#9 by Dee Huff, Mar 7, 2008

A very sensitive and sensible article.

#10 by Judy Sheldon, Mar 7, 2008

Very good advice. I particularly like the suggestion of listing the problem areas. Coming back to my list when I was feeling vulnerable always gave me just a little more push to move on. We enter into a relationships with a lot of expectations and hopes, and it is extremely hard to let go of them.

#11 by Alexa Gates, Mar 8, 2008

Great advice.. i remember when my sister got out of an abusive relationship...she could have used this article...

#12 by Ana, Apr 22, 2008

This is great advice, however, what if it's been 18 months and the person still consumes your thoughts daily.. I know it's unhealthy, but I can't stop thinking about it, I feel as though I am quietly driving myself mad! I so want to just let go....

#13 by Anne Lyken-Garner, Apr 22, 2008

Hi Ana, have a look at my response at number 3 and then sit down and have a think about what really went wrong. I don't know the details, but there must have been a reason for the break-up. If you did get together again, would that reason raise its nasty head again? I am sure that the pain was so great that you'd rather not go through that again, ever. If you don't want him back, then why worry about him?

You are right that you're driving yourself mad. Surround yourself with friends who can help to take your mind off him, go out, live your life, because him you have already lost, and if you continue to let it consume you, you are going to lose yourself as well. It sounds like you're already losing out on your life that's happening now.

Moving on is hard, but holding on to something that wasn't yours in the first place is harder. And most importantly, futile. Maybe he's the only person who's loved you in that certain way, so you feel that if you let go of him in your heart, you would be letting go of the love and contentment you felt when he loved you.

This is not true. The love was real so it will always remain in your heart. Contentment, happiness and love can exist in your heart forever without a person opposite you to give them to you.

So, cherish what you once had and keep that 'good feeling' but realise that he is gone and move on knowing that you don't need that person to make you feel good about yourself.

He's gone, and if you really want to let go as you say you do. You can. This week give yourself 20 minutes a day to think about him, set an alarm and when that time is over, go about your normal business. Next week, set the alarm for 15 minutes. Cut down each week until you get down to 5 minutes two times a week or so. Giving yourself a 'feel sorry rota' allows you time to walk away from it and not worry about it all the time.

Good luck with this and let me know if it works.
Best wishes,
Anne

#14 by Ana, Apr 25, 2008

Hi Anne - thank you for your words - I think just writing it down on this page has started the process, already I feel better about it, although there are moments when thoughts creep in. I will try the above method.. I'll let you know in due cousre. Best wishes... :)

#15 by Anne Lyken-Garner, Apr 29, 2008

Hi Ana, I hope you're doing better, yes, please let me know how the healing progresses.

#16 by el, May 6, 2008

How do you get over someone when it was so perfect and you lived everyday knowing he loved you? And then it ended suddenly with so many questions. I need answers but I can't see him or talk to him because my heart breakseven more, I cry even more and I lose my will to live because I know it's without him. I'm so broken I don't know how or if I can ever be repaired, I was so happy and now I feel like I can never regain that happiness I lived everyday.

#17 by Anne Lyken-Garner, May 6, 2008

Dear El, please read my responses at number 3,6 and 13.
I really do know what you\'re going through. I was in your situation once.

It was the most perfect, complete love. He had never felt for someone what he felt for me, and the feeling was mutual. We couldn\'t imagine life without each other and when we were away, from each other, had to speak constantly on the phone.

Then it ended. Suddenly.

Like with you, I needed answers. I did try to get them, but he won\'t tell me. I felt totally lost and alone and thought that life would never be the same again.

I am now happily married to the best man on earth (a different person) and when we laugh about the twelve years which have passed us by, we still can\'t believe that it\'s been so long. We feel as though we\'re still dating.

Now I know that that other relationship was doomed to fail (I knew it even when we were blissfully happy, but didn\'t want to see it). Even though I hurt so much, I\'m happy that it happened then and not after we\'d married and had a mortgage and kids, because that would\'ve broken me completely.

The fact that it happened when it did, allowed me the chance to regroup, rebuild, and get on with my life. A life which is spent every day in a blissful relationship with my true soul mate.

You don\'t feel like hearing this now, but I can only say that time is a great healer, this time next year, you could be dating a fabulous man who is truly right for you. It is perfectly natural to feel that this is the end, we all do. However, the end of a relationship is only the beginning of the rest of your life, (a very difficult second birth I know) but one from which you would emerge wiser and stronger.
Best, Anne

#18 by Tia , May 13, 2008

I did like your advice! I just feel that I have nothing to look forward to anymore. I lost the one thing that I really looked forward to. MY friends aren't cutting it. I love them to death and they are my support system it just does not feel like enough right now. I'm being sociable and I'm moving on with my life, I just don't know anymore what will make me happy. I used to go to the gym everyday before I met my now ex. Im scared to even go do that because that is where I met him at. I do remember that going to the gym did make me happy but now I am in a maze debating which way to go next. This was my first serious relationship and it has been my decision to stay single up until this one. I loved being single I do remember that but when this guy came into my life I knew I could not let him pass me by. I wish I had of stuck to my initial mindset of staying single until college was over but I didnt and now I am left completely heart broken.

#19 by Anne Lyken-Garner, May 14, 2008

Hi Tia, This was obviously a very enjoyable and pleasurable relationship. You are both young and these are the kinds of relationships we all have when we\'re young (if we\'re lucky).

A lot of young people still go through abusive relationships and those which end in either a pregnancy or a torrential break-up. YOu sound as though you luckily, had neither.

It was good to hear you say that you loved being single. This means that you\'re comfortable with who you are, and do not need anyone else to complete you. This is an unusually mature step for someone under 25. Therefore, I know that you would understand me completely when I say this:

You will both change as you get older. When college is over and life begins to happen, it will serve you up a portions of job interviews, an unending search for the career you really want, falling out with friends, moving away from family etc... This will mould you into what I suspect would be a fine, all-rounded female. By which time, your ex may have stayed the same or may have travelled faster and farther than you were prepared to go.

If you would\'ve been together through all that, you may have found (after maybe marriage and children) that you grew out of each other. This makes for a very miserable time for both people involved, and what could\'ve been remembered as a good relationship if it had ended in due course, draws out and extends into a bitter break-up if forced into what it was never meant to be.

At this moment, you have a fantastic memory of something good, sweet and wonderful. Hold this in your heart as a rememberance of what sharing your life with someone could be like. It\'s a good idea to stay single for now. When your studies are over and you are ready for another relationship, you\'ll have pleasant, not negative memories. (Not many people do, although I know that this would not help you to feel better).

Your heart feels as if it will never mend, but give it time, and it will. Your support system seems solid, but it sounds as if you don\'t really want to surrender to them at the moment. I think that you want to nurse the pain for a little longer and not allow them to \'interfere\' with it by helping you heal. This is perfectly natural.

Bottom line for you to remember is that, letting go of the pain does not mean that you\'re letting go of the good times you cherish. They will always be with you, just let the pain go and begin to let the good times heal you.

If going to the gym soothes you, you could choose another one if you think you can't bear to see him again so soon.

#20 by Tia , May 15, 2008

Well, Luckily he does not attend that gym anymore. I really feel like he is confused about what he wants in life right now. There is a 9 year gap between the two of us. He just turned 28 and does not know if he wants to remain in Raleigh. He hates North Carolina, He hates his job. And I feel that maybe the reasoning behind him breaking up with me was completely irrational because of everything that is going wrong in his life. I have told him I would support him 100% if he were to move!!! Anne, the puzzle pieces fit perfectly when we were together. Every time he saw me his eyes lit up. Even after 9 months.(Thats how long we dated) He would point out ever little detail that he loved about me. And would ALWAYS tell me "Im perfect for him" I really believe that the age difference had him worried. I still live at home and am a sophomore now in college. But it is not like he did not know any of this to begin with. His parents even LOVED me and they never had a problem with the age difference mainly because I presented myself as the mature person that I am. I know that I can move on because I am a strong women but have you ever felt in your heart so confident about who you will end up with??? I know that quote if it is meant to be it will be, and I guess I just have to remind my self of it daily. He will never find someone like me, and I know that. The bars are set extremely high for the next girl, although he told me he's not looking to date anyone he just needs to get his life in order. And another thing Anne is why would it be so horrible to be friend if I was able to get the emotions and feelings out of my heart??? I want to still be his friend. He became such an inspirational part of my life and the one good thing that I had to look forward to on the weekend.

#21 by Anne Lyken-Garner, May 16, 2008

Tia, you cannot be a friend. Not now. Many people have tried and failed. You would never get those feelings out of your heart while there is any remote possibility of a reconciliation.

You will always want more, and you\'ll only get hurt deeper. It\'s best to make a clean cut now that you can. I think you have your answer - \"He just turned 28 and does not know if he wants to remain in Raleigh. He hates North Carolina, He hates his job.\"

He obviously loves you, but also feels unsettled about what he wants for himself. This is where he\'s growing into who he will be for the rest of his life; \'a mini mid-life crises\' so to speak. He is right not to pull you into it as well. You have your life, your studies and your friends/family. If the shoes were on the other foot, you would\'ve done the same thing. He is thinking of your well-being. Let him.

As you say, if it is to be, it will be. Finish your studies, decide where you\'re going. By then, he would\'ve sorted his personal turmoil out and would\'ve settled down into the life he wants to lead. If you meet up then, you\'ll find out if you\'re still in love with him. You may have moved on.

Either way, it sounds as though moving outward from each other is the best thing to do. This avoids the inevitable combustion of what could otherwise have been a pleasant memory in times of future upsets.

(And yes, I have felt that someone was right for me, only to find years later that there was someone even \'righter\'. Then more years went by and I found the \'rightest\' someone, to whom I\'m now married. Only time has taught me that if I had gotten together with that first person, we would\'ve been divorced and maybe even had children. A break-up like that would\'ve left me mortally wounded emotionally, and maybe unable to enjoy what I now have with my soul mate.)

You are brave and confident,I was like that even at your age. You are also educated and articulate. If he didn\'t want to continue with you, he must seriously be having a desperate crisis in his soul. For some reason, he\'s chosen not to let you help him deal with this. You may never know why, but in the mean-time life is tick-tocking...

#22 by alex, May 19, 2008

I\'m going through a painful breakup which has turned my life upside down. Especially at the beginning I lost my sleep, apetite and all I wanted to do was sleep, hoping that when I woke up, everything would be alright - the pain would go away, he would be out of my life and I would be happy once again. I am lucky that I have a good support system of friends and family but I feel that I am being a burden as we keep talking about my problems without me being able to make any progress. I even defend him when they start reminding me of various things he did!

I have tried your advice no. 3,6,7 but unfurtunately we are still in touch, actually he is. At first it was drunken calls, later it was in the afternoon with some lame excuse that he needed my help. I have explained and tried not to answer but that only resulted in him coming over to my house cause he was worried. People keep telling me not to open the door but how can I ? I want him back!! He creates a scene when he realises that I\'m out with friends- trying to enjoy life- and got seriously jealous when he realised that i was spending time with my male friends.

My biggest problem is that he keeps telling me that he loves me very much, that he wants me in his life but feels pressured about where things may lead. He is very vague about all of this but my impression is that he is afraid of commitment. It is very difficult for me to accept that one would let someone they loved go simply because they are afraid of commitment. Love to me is simple. You either love or you don\'t. And if you do then you do everything you can to make it work. He also keeps repeating that if it is meant to be it will...which gives me hope which in turn is killing me!

He is 34, not 18 how difficult can it be for him to make up his mind and stick to it? I want the pain to go away ...

ps: sorry for the long post

#23 by Anne Lyken-Garner, May 19, 2008

Dear Alex, the first thing that went through my mind when I read your post was how utterly selfish and unfair this man is.

I stopped typing then because I suspect that in your mind you\'re saying that I shouldn\'t say that because I don\'t know him, and that he can be kind and adorable sometimes.

Well, sometimes is frankly not enough. He is obviously hanging on to you because in doing so, he can boost his ego knowing that you need to be with him (people with low self-esteem have to manipulate conditions which result in them feeling desperately needed). At the same time, he is keeping you at arms length (just far enough to be able to grab you if he can find no one else) in the hope that maybe, someone he thinks is worth his commitment would flit by. In that case, having you at this safe distance would allow him to drop you easily.

He is obviously not thinking about you. If he loved you, he would let you go free to find happiness elsewhere.This is evident in the way he behaves when you go out with friends. His ego would not let him accept that you\'re not at home pining and weeping. (Your happiness in spite of him, makes him feel less important you see).

You obviously know all of this because you\'ve said yourself, \"It is very difficult for me to accept that one would let someone they loved go simply because they are afraid of commitment. Love to me is simple. You either love or you don\\\'t. And if you do then you do everything you can to make it work.\"

At 34, a man has to know what he wants from a relationship. If he doesn\'t, you don\'t have to wallow in his juvenile confusion. You can and are free to leave permenently. Tell this man what you want and let him know that there is no point for you two to run together if you\'re not even in the same race. Let him know that if he should come to your house again, he wouldn\'t be welcome. Make sure he knows that you\'re not broken enough about him to do anything drastic (which is what his inflated ego thinks you would do) because he is out of your life.

If he doesn\'t want you, let him know that that means he wouldn\'t have any hold on you or what you do. I think you would be better off without someone this controlling. Imagine if you were married and you wanted to go to a work party with friends and asked him to watch the baby for a few hours. Would he behave any worse than he does now, when you two are not even properly together?

I suspect that because you want him back, he is not the only person who needs to make up their mind about staying away. Your last question was \'how difficult can it be for him to make up HIS mind...?\' This is half the problem. What makes you less than him, that you\'re handing him the power to say what happens in a relationship in which you\'re also involved?

Maybe the time has come for you to take back your own power that you surrendered to this man some time ago and say, \"I will make up my mind and stick to it!\"

The pain will only go away when you see that HE does. If you\'re sure you do not want him, you will find a way to make him see this. Don\'t let him ruin your life. I have a feeling that you\'re not 18 either, and you feel it\'s time to get on with living.

One last thing, sometimes it is helpful to enlist the help of a male friend to tell needy men off, if they persist in their crazy, unrealistic persuance of a woman.

#24 by alex, May 22, 2008

Dear Anne, although I\'m not saying that I am ready to completely close the door to him, you have served me with some interesting food for thought.

I am still struggling with the reality that the man i love and had such good and happy times -and still loves me- is not in my life. I am sure it is not because of another woman and that he does loves me...but as you have said, he loves himself more. I am now taking one day at a time, avoiding any contact with him, trying to clarify what it is that I want or dont want from my life. Wish me luck and thank you for all your help

#25 by Anne Lyken-Garner, May 23, 2008

I understand totally what you mean Alex, and like you said, you definitely need the time away from him to sort out what you want.

It's so unfair that you're caught up in his indicisiveness. I wish you all the best. Let me know how it goes.

All the best for the future.
Anne

#26 by Zel, Jun 1, 2008

ummmmm dear anne

i\'m really young, but for some stupid reason seem to have met the love of my life early - in high school. although, this year, we havn\'t officially \"gone out\" as they say here, we have been extremely close and i realised about 6 months ago that i was completely and utterly in love with him. This at the time came as a happy realisation because i thought, according to the things he said and did, that he felt the same way about me.

However, i then found out, not directly from him, that he \"liked\" another girl. i was very confused by this and asked him if it was true, to which he only responded and admitted to the third time i asked. Apparently he was torn, and could not choose between the two of us. naturally, my heart was bruised by this severely as everything i had assumed up untill this point had been crushed. i got advice from friends to go for it and snatch him before she did, but attempting this only got me more wound up in the whole matter and increasingly in love. Upon seeing the many texts on his phone from her, and then later at several different events the two of them flirting and kissing passionately, my heart was crushed.

I cried solidly for weeks, i wrote poems and small pieces, i painted and drew, i did and am doing practically all the things that have been mentioned throughout this page, and yet, after months, nothing seems to work. i am happy and positive about moving for a little while, but then i talk to him or see him, or i see them both together and my world splits in two and the tears just come back. i lose control.

what is even more confusing is that he still says he has not made up his mind. why can\'t he just chose between us and put me out of my misery? it is a rural area we live in and its hard to avoid them, but my heart strings feel constantly stretched to the point of snapping, as does my mental health.

really sorry for the uber long comment =[

xxxxx

#27 by Anne Lyken-Garner, Jun 2, 2008

Dear Zel,
You are one of the lucky ones, as you found out early how beautiful falling in love can be. I know you won\'t possibly believe this, but it happens to us many times in our lives. At this moment you may be thinking that it\'s impossible to love anyone as profoundly as you loved this young man, but we have such an unlimited capacity for love in our hearts, that it can and does happen again.

It\'s the same way parents feel after their first child is born. A friend of mine made up his mind right after his daughter was born, that he didn\'t want another child because he felt so much love for his daughter, that he was sure he couldn\'t possibly have any more left to share with any other baby he would have in the future. Needless to say, he found out that he was wrong.

The reason I\'m saying this to you is because you seem devastated that your first love has turned out the way it has, and at the moment your desperation comes from the fact that you think in your heart that you\'ve lost something you\'ll never ever find again.

It is perfectly natural to feel this way, everyone does, but this is not true at all.

It is evident that this young man does not love you the way you love him. It is painful, but you need to realise this in order to move on. In my response at number 23 I mentioned that it is not okay to leave the future of your love life in the hands of the man. By this I mean that it\'s not right to leave the fate of a potential relationship totally up to him.

You can make the decision to say, \'that\'s enough!\' If he felt for you like you do for him, he would\'ve been as sure as you are that he wanted you two to be together.

Even if you two enter into a relationship at this point, you will only get hurt. He will always be unsure, and this will mean that he\'ll always cheat on you. Trust me, it would be a hundred times more painful then because at that time, you\'ll expect more from him in terms of trust and loyalty than you do now.

High school is a time to have fun (and I don\'t mean promiscuity) and the second most important thing (first of course being your studies) is to find out who you are and what you want. Most people date and test the waters to find out what type of person they would like in the future. Not many people who meet in high school stay together, marry and have kids. There is a reason for this - most people change at the cusp of adulthood.

Time is a great healer, put your head down, study, date other people and you\'ll find that it will get better. My advise is not to push a relationship with this young man, he obviously does not really love you. If he did, he would\'ve picked you - there would\'ve been NO question in his mind at all. Ask yourself, is there a question in YOUR mind? would he have to wait for you to choose if the shoe was on the other foot?

You\'re smart. Now you have your answer.

#28 by Zel, Jun 2, 2008

=)

Thanks loads for that, it really helped.

last night i asked him once more to make his mind up, which he wouldn't, and so i did the hardest thing i ever made myself do and said that i'de had enough, we were over, and that i was moving on.

and that i am going to do. i talked a lot with friends before and after, and evidently that was the right thing to do - at the moment it feels pretty awful but i am determined not to have my life wrecked by him, and i'm just going to try feel positive in life from now on - i'll do all the stuff listed up there over, and this time i won't be half driving backwards by hope. now i see me on my own in any future, but i'm going to start over in that sense of things, and test the water as you said and enjoy my life as a teen, as well as achieving the highest grades i can - that blank box in my mind can be filled up again at times can't it, and i'll always have my friends, and maybe in time i'll learn to appriciate the benifits of what happened.

lots of thanks again, you are great at this! :)

xxx

#29 by Anne Lyken-Garner, Jun 2, 2008

Zel, I can 'hear' the tears in your 'voice' as you wrote those words. I can almost feel the evident pain you're going through as you typed the words through your tears.
However, I can feel that abundance of strength you've pulled out from somewhere in your being where you must have had it stored (or you wouldn't have found it).

Stick to your guns, enjoy your youth, and be happy. A person of your strength and courage shouldn't be bogged down my misery you don't deserve. One day you'll look back and feel proud of yourself, until then, rely on your courage, your friends and loved ones to get you through this.

#30 by Leisalee, Jun 4, 2008

I am going through a extreamly hard break up! I am older have been through a divorce and this is worse! We were engaged to be married on july 11 he broke up with me the first part of April. Really didn\'t understand why. I have asked him to explain and he said I pushed him away. I guess there may have been times that I didn\'t show him the atention I should have but I work full time at the post office and I am raising 2 teenagers. At times I feel a little overwelmed and kind of go into hidding....don\'t want to talk to anyone. I have appologised and told him I would try harder to be more aware and not push him away. He said at this time he needed to concentrate on himself and he could only be a friend. He did say that maybe after he works on himself that things could change. I so want to hang on because I feel like we are supose to be together. I am a religious person and pray about it and seem to always feel the same....don\'t give up it will work out. Help am I just grasping at straws? When I try to think of bad things about the relationship I have a hard time thinking of any.

#31 by Anne Lyken-Garner, Jun 5, 2008

Dear Leisalee,

I can understand why it hurts so much. You felt like you had a second chance at happiness with a life partner, and determined to make this one work. When that did not happen, it almost crushed you.
As July 11th gets closer, your pain, instead of waning, grows even more intense.

Maybe it was your inner turmoil of being scared that you were going to make the same mistakes as your first marriage, that led you to push him away.

While there may be an element of truth in this, it sounds as though your fiance was partly to blame as well. It appears as though he is also unsure that this will work.

The only thing I can say is that (and you won\'t agree) it may be a good thing that the split happened now and not after you were married. Being twice divorced would have only left you more wounded, and would\'ve negatively affected your self-esteem.

There doesn\'t seem much you can do about getting him back. The most important thing now is to focus your time and effort into reassuring your kids. Remember that this break-up is affecting them maybe as much as it has affected you. They\'ll try to hide their pain because they do not want to place even more pressure on you than you already have. So talk to them and reassure them that relationships can and do work. The last thing you want to happen is for them to grow up with unresolved issues about relationships, because you were too buried in your agony to help them through theirs.

You\'re suffering I know, but concentrating on healing them, would take your mind off your pain, especially at this time when you should\'ve been preparing to become a new bride.

After this desperate period is over, take stock of what is left of the relationship. If it cannot be restored, determine to move on. You\'ve been strong enough to do it once and you can draw wisdom from that episode to do it again. You\'ll feel alone so once the kids are okay, gather your friends and family around you and rebuild.

There isn\'t time to run after this man, let go of him. I\'m assuming he\'s older, so if he loves you, he\'ll know that he\'s got to come running back soon or you\'ll be gone.

Tell him you\'re stepping away and really do so. If he doesn\'t come back, build your strength and leave him alone. You found him, so you can and will find another.

The bottom line is that your kids have to be comforted and reassured. This break-up could\'ve left them thinking that it was their fault. But of course you wouldn\'t know this until you really sit down, take time off, and speak with them.

Find calm, find peace. When you pray, stop asking to be reunited with this man and ask God instead to give you the peace to let go. Always remember that as a Father, God sometimes answers \'NO\' to our prayers when He knows something isn\'t good for us. It\'s only natural for a parent to do this. If your child asked you for a weapon what would your answer be?

Maybe God has already given you his answer...

#32 by Ana, Jun 12, 2008

Dear Ann,

Thank you so much for all your advice. Finally after 18 months I am really happy, I still think about 'him' from time to time, but not in a pining way. It feels so good to be free of all that negative emotion. Having decided to address it head on, I was able to see that it just isn't worth the agony anymore and he is so far away now, I can't believe I waited so long to move on - sometimes it just happens that way I suppose. When you are in that headspace where you feel so confused it's hard to see the light, but when you are out the other side it seems so obvious that time is really the healer. In my case I became so fed up with my feelings of frustration that I had to have a word with myself.. I felt quite low for a few days but the following week it was as if a huge weight had been lifted.

Thank you for your support, reading these posts has really helped. Good luck to everyone. Ana.

#33 by Anne Lyken-Garner, Jun 13, 2008

Dear Ana,

I am really happy to hear from you again. Thank you for taking the time to come back, and for your very encouraging comment.

It's so good to know that you've started to heal. Your strength is a boost to others, much more than you know.

I wish you all the best in love. He's still out there for you to find him.

Best,
Anne

#34 by Alicia, Jun 18, 2008

My bf broke up with me last night. it wasn\'t the first time, but now I guess I know it has to be the last one. He breaks up but always comes back, telling me he loves me and wants to make it work. but lately it had been impossible.

The problem started 6 months into the relationship. This was my first bf and I couldn\'t be happier! I didn\'t want anything to come between us, I was so determined not to lose him and to protect him. But he started inquiring about my past. It included a mutual friend. Please bear in mind that my past wasn\'t really bad, I remained a virgin until I started dating my bf. But it was something that he wouldn\'t understand. And I lied. But then I came clean. And exactly what I was fearing, happened. He started judging me on my past actions, even though they had happened years before I met him. He called me names and became really angry. He started using the past against me. He said I had dissapointed him. He wasn\'t afraid to be mean; sometimes he said I even deserved it for having lied and for my past.

I started hiding more stuff about the past, only to come clean later. However, I started accomodating my life so he wouldn\'t be jealous, so I finished some friendships, stopped going out, etc. We had a lot of good times together, and sometimes the problems seemed non existant.

Last month, we broke up for like a week (this was the most time we\'ve managed to be apart). And of course, when we got back together we made a lot of promises, but the relationship was still weak. So the first time he brought up the subject of my past and my lying again, I freaked. I started being mean during arguments, crying, yelling, unable to control myself. I guess I wanted him to realize that I did love him, that I did wanted to start over, but that he was hurting me and that I wanted him to please stop it! But he wouldn\'t. He became even more upset that I was crying over problems that he said were my fault.

Last night, he brought up the subject. I was fed up. He said I never made the changes he expected me to do, so it was over. That he loved me but apparently I didn\'t, and that he was tired to put up with my immaturity and mistakes and that also he can\'t trust me so that was it.

I love him completely, and I don\'t know why. On top of it, my self esteem is crushed because he made it seem that I hurt him and dissapointed him, he often talked about marriage and that i was the o}love of his life. Now I feel like the awful woman who makes a man bitter and hurt. I can\'t see myself without him, this was my first bf and we were together for a long time. We have loads in common, and I love that about him. Where will I ever find someone else I have so much in common with, who\'s just a sperfect as this guy, except for the fact that he abused me? I feel so lost, and like I\'ll never find the love that I want - someone nice, caring, respectful, who\'ll love me for who I am today, and who\'ll also share a lot in common with me. I swear my ex was so much like a prince charming to me, except when he bashed me about my past.

I wish the above tips help me. I really don\'t want to suffer so much for him!

#35 by Anne Lyken-Garner, Jun 19, 2008

Dear Alicia, I somehow get the feeling that you've read the article and have decided that none of the ideas presented there were going to work for you, even without trying them.

Have you tried any of them so far?

By what you're saying, your relationship with your boyfriend seems to be one of 'playing games' on both sides. You both seem to deliberately wind up each other so that you could see how far the other person would get without breaking.

While you were wrong to lie to your boyfriend, he was also at fault for bringing it up every time you had a fight.

Frankly, your past (before you two met) has nothing to do with him at all. Of course, it's a different story if you volunteered information which wasn't correct, only for him to find this out later on. Let this be a lesson for your next relationship. Let whatever you reveal about yourself be the truth, and always remember that true love accepts all faults.

Nevertheless, a clean start is just that. Maybe because of all the hurt that has gone by between you two, a clean start is no longer possible.

I know that there are girls who married their first boyfriends and have lived fulfilled lives, but these people are very rare.

The rest of us go on to find true love much later in our lives.

Please try the suggestions, they really work. One thing to remember is that Prince Charmings are actually charming,they do not play games.

All the best to you.

#36 by LT, Jul 4, 2008

My bf of 11 months broke up with me on june 21st. I found out that he was cheating on me. We had a long distance relationship. We would talk almost everyday, email, text, and use the webcam. We would also see each other at least every other week. We talked about getting married and having children. We talked about this on a regular basis as if it would be the two of us doing this together. Six months into the relationship, we broke up for about a week or so. When we talked, he told me that he loved me and I was a great person but he was afraid that if we went further that I may not be willing to move to where he is. He also told me that he has never been with anyone like me and I take him out of his comfort zone. He's used to women who are materialistic and selfish. Although I like nice and fancy things, I treated him well and was very thoughtful to him. After we talked, we decided to get back together. Well during the time that we were back together, he was apparently seeing someone else and still communicating with his ex-girlfriend. When i found out, that's the day he broke up with me and turned very cold toward me. He seemed to be in a confused and scared state of mind. I left his home and drove back to my home and cried all the way. I felt hurt, betrayed and started to feel that the entire relationship was a lie. He told me that the relationship wasn't a lie and that he still loved me and that he did not have sex with anyone else. When I asked him to be honest since it was already over, he still said the same thing. I have not spoken to him since I came home, however, he responded to an inspirational email that I normally send out to friends on a regular basis. In the email he said that he was taking some time to think and that he would be available to talk on saturday. After reading that statement, I felt as if the statement was made with no remorse and that he was not going to apologize. I love this man and I do want him back, but I want him back once he has owned up to his lies and deciet and repents and apologizes. The person that broke up with me is not the person I was dating. I just dont know what to do. I have been praying for him and his issues and the restoration of our relationship.

#37 by Anne Lyken-Garner, Jul 6, 2008

Dear LT
It is difficult to maintain vibrant long-distance relationships even in normal circumstances, where both parties are in love with each other and are both faithful and loyal to one another. Therefore, it is commendable that you\'ve managed to keep going for so long.

However,if you are going to continue in a long-distance relationship, you have to be certain that your expectation of loyalty and his needs for a steady companion are both met. If your boyfriend needs a person nearby whom he can see regularly, getting back with his ex may not be a thing of the past.

It may be a good idea to plan to meet face to face and discuss honestly what you both want from a relationship. You seem content with talking to him on the phone and seeing him at intervals. If this is not what he wants also, no matter how much you love each other, there is sadly, no point in carrying on. You will forever be thinking about what he\'s up to, (even when or if he is totally innocent) this, as you know, is not a recipe for a happy relationship.

You do not seem to have concrete evidence that he\'s cheated, and until he has actually properly confessed to this, you would be wrong to accuse him and demand an apology just because he spoke with his ex. This vicious circle will continue and you will grow more and more suspicious as he becomes increasingly tormented by your nagging, UNLESS you both in your discussion, can come to a decision which pleases both parties.

The time has come to have a heart to heart. I suspect that he is no longer content with a long-distance relationship, but would rather someone nearby to talk to.

If this is not you, I\'m afraid a decision to part may be one of the solutions.

Do not move just because you think this will keep him faithful. A faithful man by nature, would\'ve broken up with you before moving on, NOT (as you suspect) while you\'re still together.

#38 by LT, Jul 7, 2008

Anne,

Thanks for the advice. I have proof of him cheating but of course the last time I spoke with him, he was still denying it. BTW, I left out some information that was just too painful to write before. The ex is local only when she's not away at school, and the other woman he's seeing, is also long distance and lives further away than I do. It appears that I was the one that he spent most of his time with, which is still no excuse for him cheating.

What approach can I use to get him to talk openly and honest with me? He's been texting me with small talk but I haven't responded to any of the messages.

#39 by Anne Lyken-Garner, Jul 8, 2008

Dear LT,
This bit of information sheds more light on the situation, and I must admit, it doesn\'t look too good.

Your boyfriend has worked out a way to have his bread buttered on both sides AND the corners.

When I was a teenager, I dated this guy who would only come to see me on certain days, and only went to see a movie with me if we were going to a certain cinema.

I found out one day that he was seeing another girl whom he only saw on certain days (days we weren\'t together) and that he went with me to that cinema because the other one in the village was close to where she lived.

Needless to say, I dropped him that very day and never looked back. (He tried to lie to the end, but I didn\'t want to know, I was too busy laughing at the scheme he had plotted which blew up in his face)

It seems as though your boyfriend might be filling the time you\'re away from him with other people (and accomodating you on his rota when they\'re away).

If, like you say, you\'ve got your proof, why are you hanging on? What can he say (and I doubt he would confess) to you to make it all better?

I find it crazy that after all this you still want to talk it through. Why do you want to be with such a devious man?

The mere fact that he is still engaging you in small talk indicates that he expects you to accept this arrangement. He obviously knows that you are aware of his other women. If his remorse hasn\'t yet been forthcoming, it is evident that he sees nothing wrong with this.

If you want to continue with him, there is nothing anyone can say to make you do differently. Just be aware that now you will be going into this situation with your stamp of approval on the one thirds of a relationship he is offering you. You will have no power now to change anything. Getting back with him is saying you know he\'s cheated, but it\'s alright because you don\'t feel you\'re worth better.

In my view, no approach will make him confess, if you haven\'t been able to so far. There are many wonderful men out there, but there a few who shed a bad light on the rest of them. This man seems to be one of the latter. I work with young men and their approach to everything from crime to drugs to relationships is NEVER CONFESS! The Shaggy song \'It Wasn\'t Me\' may be fiction, but there is a lot of truth in it.

I hope you find strength to move on, as I really cannot see what a confession is worth to you now that you know what your one third of a boyfriend has been doing. He needs to be told in no uncertain terms that it is not okay to mess around with people\'s feelings. Cheating can be forgiven, I am totally behind this, but in a case where the cheat doesn\'t feel he/she has done anything wrong, that\'s way too serious to consider giving them a second chance.

#40 by LT, Jul 8, 2008

Ann, thanks for the advice. I thought that I needed him to confess for closure. I see now that I'll have to close this door myself. BTW, I wasn't engaging in small talk with him. He's been texting and emailing and I haven't responded at all. I have forgiven him for cheating but this is something I'll never forget. He'll reap what he has sown.

Thanks a bunch! You're great!

#41 by Anne Lyken-Garner, Jul 9, 2008

Thanks for your kind commment. I think that you're doing the right thing.

There are several ways to block him from calling you if you so desire. If you do need closure, you may find it in speaking to the other woman (if you know who she is) and letting her know that you're walking away. This way, you would've shut the door behind you and given yourself a reason NOT to go back.

Many times though, one just has to let time heal the wound. Closure does not always present itself, especially in relationships involving untrustworthy and selfish people. Of course this is unfair to the other party, but they cannot see life from anyone else's perspective. This just leaves you to pick up your own broken pieces and walk on.

All the best with this.
Anne

#42 by SMT**, Jul 14, 2008

Dear Anne,

I have recently broken up with my boyfriend of three and a half years... I am doing everything i can do to cope with losing him: Going out with friends, spending time with my family, staying busy etc. But for some reason I cant move on.

I dont know how to be on my own anymore and that scares me. I know it is over with him and I am ready to move on but how do I do that when every part of me is still in love with him? I dont feel like ME anymore ( I know it sounds pathetic but its true).

I feel as thought I need to talk to him as we broke up through text message and haven't spoken since but I am worried it will only make me miss him more.

I hate that this has effected me so much, I thought I was stronger than this, that I could deal with a little heart break, turns out I was wrong.

Anne, please help me to get over him, I am tired of feeling this was.

SMT

#43 by Anne Lyken-Garner, Jul 15, 2008

Dear SMT, it is natural to feel the way you do. You don\'t feel like \'you\' at this point in time because your relationship with your boyfriend had become such an intricate part of your life, that now he\'s not there your thoughts and feelings are all in a \'different place,\' a place which doesn\'t feel like \'home.\'

You would be less than human if you didn\'t still love this man. You loved him for 3 and a half years, emotions don\'t suddenly turn off because of a break-up.

A large part of the reason you feel so unsettled and unable to draw a line and move on is because of the way in which you broke up. This is certainly not the way to conduct such a traumatic event. It leaves everyone with unanswered questions.

You need to see each other face to face to say your goodbyes. You are strong, but no one is strong enough to absorb closure from text messages.

I suggest you do it properly. This is the only way you could start to draw from the strength you\'re sure is inside you, to move on and get on with your life.

Time will indeed heal. Think on this, look forward to it happening, and you\'ll start to see a difference.

#44 by louie jerome, Jul 20, 2008

Yes, you should certainly get your self a job as an agony aunt! LOL

Useful advice for those who need it, though.

#45 by Anne Lyken-Garner, Jul 20, 2008

Thanks Louie. I am certainly available!

#46 by H.P., Jul 25, 2008

I don't know if you'll reply to this but, heres my story, sorta.

We started in grade 9... and we were both just kids really... so then we grew together. these influential four high school years molded us... and we grew and learn about ourselves and how to make friends with people and how to deal with life situations. The thing is.. he's in every bit of it. Every 'first' that i did was with him...including first exam, first school skip, first party..e verything. And all our friends are the same.

He has a lot of good points... he's really loyal, a great listener, and he's not stingy and ultra smart. Thats what i love so much about him. But lately, esp in grade 12, he poured all his attention into video games and didn't evn care about university course selections, or study much during exams. During school he always put off calling me or going out .. saying that he needed alone time after he studied. So i learned to be patient and understanding.
But summer came, he had a car that he can use, we live 5 min car ride away, and he still won't wake up to take me to lunch, nor would he go shopping with me or anything at all. My birthday was in april, and i still dont' have any sort of card or present as promised. On the rare nights where he actually 'talks' to me on the phone, all he does is moan or make weird noises to put me off from asking him questions, or asking his opinion. He's always been a quiet, don't like to be on the phone kind of guy, but a) he won't go out with me (??) so i can't help but think he doesn't care at all b) i'm not forcing him to purposely come up with topics, i'm just asking to learn more about his opinion.. so that i can understand the way the thinks more.

i lost all hope when he blew me off on a date that he promised to take me on (After i talked 'at' him about how little we see each other) and then... he over slept. I call him 1-2 hrs later...angry and told him it was already past the meeting time and he said "i thot u'd call me". THING IS he's taking his gf out [FINALLY]... why should she be the one calling him like his mom?

i couldn't stand it anymore and suggested a break up, and he asked why. and I said i just wanted more attention, more love... and he said oh ook then. bye.

i just don't understand. so its been 4 years of knowing each other, 3 years of dating... i know i should get over him. but he's so much part of me in high school. Highschool's the only school i actually felt complete in because i switched schools every 2 years...
its scary how reliant i am. what can i do? He says he still loves me, but he just won't care. he's firm on it...
whenever i talk about it he doesn't reply, or says iunno. when i force him by going to him physically and talking about it. he'd just close his eyes and pretend to sleep.

(i don't know how to talk to guys anymore)

#47 by Anne Lyken-Garner, Jul 29, 2008

Dear LT, I'm sorry for the delay in answering you. Your comment came at a time when I had several others (from various other articles), and it got lost in and among them.

Sometimes, a relationship between a male and a female is mistaken by both parties as a romantic one when it's simply a relationhip of friendship.

It sounds like this was the case with your friendship with the young man you've known for 4 years. He seems to treat you more like a friend than a girlfriend. The way you described, is exactly how most males treat their male friends. There is an understanding that there's never any pressure, you don't feel like doing something -you don't. This doesn't mean that the friendship is ending (and guys get that).

Please remember that not all relationships are made to last. Some have to run their course then end naturally. Sometimes they fizzle out, and many times it's up to the people in those relationships to end them, when all the joy that could have come out of them have done so.

This guy hasn't fallen out of love with you, it sounds like he was never in love with you in the way you wanted him to be. He may still love you, but if you keep pushing for a relationship that's clearly not there, he could get irritated and walk out of your life.

I think that you should accept (no matter how hard it may be to do so), that the romantic relationship you want with this guy is no longer there. If you can stand to be his friend and keep him in your life, do so, if not walk away.

It's perfectly okay and natural to grow out of friends, boyfriends, and relationships. Look forward to the excitement of moving on.

#48 by Janine, Jul 30, 2008

Hi Anne,

My break up is a bit complicated. I ran away from home when I was 18 to be with my ex. Things didn\'t go very well bec we were young and I felt guilty about running away. A year after, I went back home because he broke up with me because we were always fighting and I have a very bad temper (moreso because I was racked with guilt). Then a month after he decided to get me back,so I took him back behind my parent\'s back. Things got very difficult for me at home so I decided to move out and move back in with him again. My parents don\'t talk to me anymore. After that it just went downhill from there. Mind you we had a lot of very good memories, but when we fought it was bad. On our second breakup, I decided to relocate because he was moving out leaving me with a 2 bed apartment i cant afford. He decided to follow me. So we got back together, only to break up 2 more times after, both times with him moving out. On this last time he broke up with me, I thought I was going to be ok (he was still living at our apartment, because we both decided that we will talk about living arrangements after our impending trip). I guess i was in denial. I went out, started dating this one amazing guy, and ignored him. He said that he wanted me back, but I didnt give in this time. I told him that i saw a pattern with the break ups. In the 6 years we were together, he broke up with me 4 times in total. So we acted as \"friends\" but really we werent because we still love each other and we had a trip coming up.

After our trip, He went to Ontario while I went to san diego and my new guy went to see me there after. I was really happy he was there, but I still kept thinking about my ex. My new guy knows the situation and he knows that I am not using him to get over my ex, because i really do genuinely like him, and I was fed up with being dumped all the time.

Now here\'s the thing, when my ex and I got back to our apartment, that\'s when it hit me. WE WERE OVER THIS TIME. I was really hurt by it, I was angry. I am going through a roller coaster of emotions. Now he has moved out, his things are in a storage unit, but there are still somethings of his that are in the apartment. I am left to pay 2100 for our rent (he will apparently \"help me out\", which i kind of believe). I am moving out of the apartment in a month. I feel super depressed. I dont know a lot of people up where i live as I am always at work. I dont have the drive to do anything. I dont really feel like eating, though I force myself to. I cant sleep, but I have to because I get up early in the morning for work (5 AM). When I\'m at work, I am googling \"how to get over him\". I AM IN A RUT AND I NEED TO GET OUT OF IT. He is all I have known since I was 18 (I am 24 now), my first in everything.

I tried doing #1, but I cant seem to control myself. #2 makes me think more of him, so I did #3. It somewhat helps. I dont do #4 but since we lived together I still have some of his things. As far as #10, I really do like my new guy, and we are taking it very slow. I just wanna get past this stage, but I am finding it very difficult. We were engaged to be married at the end of this year or early next year. I know that I have to let him go because he deserves to be happy with another girl, as I do with my new guy - or another for that matter. I am very scared that I will make the same mistakes with my future relationships (I apparently nag - although I think it isn\'t without good reason [why cant they keep their socks together and throw it in the laundry bin?]; I dont have a world outside of him; I limit myself because I have always been so responsible; I get agitated real easy..)

Bottom line is, I need to move on, but I really cant seem to. I have already done my fair share of crying. And I am sick of it. I need to know how to move on, because I think that he already has.

PS sorry for the very long post which is redundant

#49 by Anne Lyken-Garner, Jul 30, 2008

Dear Janine,

I can tell that even though you realise that this relationship is over, you find it super difficult to give it up. This reluctance is NOT because of the relationship itself, but because of the things you had to give up in order to persue it.

This desperation you\'re now experiencing is the sadness that fills your heart because you feel that now the relationship is over, you\'ve in effect wasted years, tears, time, and have lost your parents\' love for what? a handfull of bills and nothing else.

When you stopped talking to your parents for this man, you expected to show them (by staying together happily)that they were wrong.

I can assure you that if you reclaim the things you\'ve given up for this man, that you\'ll begin to heal.

It\'s the same as alcoholics going back to apologise to the people they\'ve allowed to fall away (while married to their drinks) in order to heal.

Now I\'m not saying that you\'ve wronged your parents at all. What I\'m saying is that you\'re mourning the loss of their love. A reconciliation with them is now possible and your heart knows this. When you\'ve done this, you\'ll feel your sadness slip away bit by bit.

As I said in a previous post, not all relationships are meant to last forever. Many relationships come to a natural end after they\'ve run their course. Yours seems to have done so. Cherish the good times and try to forget the bad.

This was obviously a volatile relationship which has now come to an end. It\'s good that you\'ve walked away before you\'re scorched for good.

Contact your parents, have a long talk with them, then let me know if you\'re feeling better. I\'m sure this is the key!

I\'m glad you\'ve found someone to help you move on.

Best,
Anne

#50 by Anne Lyken-Garner, Jul 30, 2008

The reply at number 47 is meant to be for HP. Sorry for the mix up with the name.

#51 by HP, Jul 30, 2008

Hey Anne.

thanks for replying me.

I never looked at it the way you looked at it. Mostly cause i notice he didn't have a lot of friends. Not cuz he 's a loser or anything, but cause he chooses to be alone.

And maybe because he had no friends, and i'm always frolicking around him, he kinda used me as 'the friend' person or.. i just don't know.
its complicated. i know i'm still missing him, and quite a bit too.

i'm going on a 60 -day ban. i hope it works, so far he didn't try to contact me in anyway so i know he doesn't care anyways.

thanks a lot for your reply yet again.

#52 by Janine, Jul 31, 2008

Hello Anne,

Thanks for your advice. Unfortunately, my parents refuse to talk to me. I think its what they refer to as tough love.

I would like to add that by no means was my ex a terrible boyfriend. he did take care of me, and that is what i truly miss about him. He just couldnt handle my mood swings (I tend to get really crabby especially since I work very very long hours 12 or 13 hour days, for 11, 18, or 24 days straight, or I stress about everything). I guess that is why I kept taking him back, because he was in some way shape or form very good to me.

Somedays I compare my current guy to my ex and I know its not right. :( I just need to get over my ex and I dont know how to since everyday, every minute, my feelings towards this break up is always different. I just wanna get on with it!

Thanks a bunch again!

#53 by LT, Aug 6, 2008

Hi Anne,

I wrote to you at the beginning of July regarding my break up with my long distance boyfriend. He cheated and of course lied about it. I did not speak to him for a month but he contacted me almost everyday. Finally a few days ago, I decided to respond to him. He asked if he could come to visit me and I said ok. He walked through the door and apologized for taking me for granted and mistreating me. The next day, he admitted to cheating and apologized. He stated that he is no longer seeing the other person and should not have been seeing her in the first place. I believe that his apology was sincere and I want to believe that he's not seeing the other person anymore because he also stated that he will never see her again in life.

I still love him, but I know that if we decide to get back together, It will take a long time before I can trust him again. When he left to take his 5 hour ride home, he called me and left a message saying that he was still in love with me.

With all of this being said, what should I do or how should I handle this situation.

#54 by Anne Lyken-Garner, Aug 7, 2008

Dear LT,

This is a difficult one. I haven't got many details about this relationship, so naturally, you know more about it than I'll ever do.

I am a romantic at heart, so I am tempted (even with my limited knowledge of the situation) to say give it a try, solely because he has admitted his mistake.

However, with his track record of cheating, as you said, it's hard to trust him again.

Therefore, it would be up to what your eyes have seen in his eyes, and his stance and remorse when he apologised. Do you think it's all genuine?

The determining question to ask yourself is: can you see yourself eventually marrying him and having kids with him? It's only worth giving him a chance if you see this as a long-term thing. If not, don't bother wasting your time.

If you are going to take him back. Let him understand that cheating is forbidden. Ask him for you two to take a complete break off each other for a set amount of time. It would be a good idea to ask him not to contact you at all during this time to give you time to think. After this period, if he still feels like you're the only one for him he can visit you (don't go to him,let him put in some effort to see what it's like) so you two can sit down together and decide what you want for the future.

Good luck with making this decision. I'm sorry I cannot be of more help. However, without knowing all the details and without having seen him with my own eyes,I cannot say one way or the other, if he's truly sorry.

People say that men don't change, but I think that if someone really wants to, they will. After all, a man has control over his own ways. Let me know how this goes, and my heart is with you.
Anne

#55 by tara, Aug 14, 2008

hi Anne,
i hope u can help me out. i got into a relationship with this boy in june.it was a very quick decision, i just got into it,and i even rmeember initially i didnt wanted to get into a relationship with him cuz i thought he was not what i want. buti sill got into,,,n i strtd loving him(m not sure if it was love) but yes, i felt very attached to him mayb cuz we got quite intimate,jus a few days bfr i got into a relationship wit him i relaised he is still in contact with his ex. and he told me she was distrbing her n he dusnt wana evn speak to her n i have also deleted her from my facebook.things went on fine. n thn the second time i went to stay with him i realised he is stil in contact with his ex.n he is said it clearly i havnt forgotten her yet, n i cnt jus give up takin to her but you are the only girl in my life and i love you(but if he actualy loved me he wud have left his ex knowin dt no1 wud like thr bf/gf takin totheir ex). at that point i felt cheated as i wasnt told the clear truth bfr.i strtd to feel a bit insecure n strtd questioning about whr he is goin, who is he takin to etc. n thn later on wen i gt bk to my place he said i am pissed off right now, i need some time on my , u took up my space nlets jus b frnz nw.i agreed to it n eventually (in few days) he got bk wiv me. bt thr have bin episodes where he said i dn wana tak to u nemre n thn gt back again. he was very caring wat i cud make out, dunno if it was real or fake!..he dint like me askin him questions so i completely stopped...but thn he strtd to question me bout who is textin me , who m i takin to etc. n i answered him very patiently.
but recently he was over at my place n was goin thru some pics in my laptop ,, i dint wantd to him see em as thy were very weird childhood pics so i switched off d laptop, he got angry over it, i tried to make it upto him, bt he got angry n jus left abusing me and switched off his phone.
n thn i txtd him apologisin n askin him if he wans to tak to me or no, n replied bk i dn wana tak , thnx for everyfng.
i tried to accept it, but it strtd hittin me soo badly at 4 in d morning i called him n he got very rude sayin u die or got to hell i dont care, i regret meeting u etc etc. n i was crying very badly wen my mum saw me crying she texted him sayin dat as a mother i cannot forgive you, but my faith tells me to forgive ignorant ruthless fools like you, stay away from her.
n d next day he texted emsayin dat he dint mean to say all dat n stuff n felt very bad bout the text my mum sent him n stuff .
at night i called him puttin my ego aside n still he had d same things to say to me but in a normal tone. n he said i dun wish to tak to u nemore.
this is not the first time it happened he has hurted me a lot. he got into a relationship wiv me but is stil so much involved wiv his ex,,, i mean who wud take all tis? dont you think if he actualy loved me he wud hav left his ex completely thinking bout how i feel.
but i jus cnt forget him , thou the relationship is not even two months old,the good times i had wiv him make me cry, i miss the way he used to care for me at times. i miss all dat. but i also realise that he hurted me a lot. he says if ur mum wudnt hav txtd me i wud have spoken to u. but he shud realise dt my mother was hurted by the way he behaved wv me, by the way i was hurted.
and moreover, he is also leaving the country for good by next week (not because of the fight, but other reasons), so i know there is no scope for this relationship but still m finding it a bit hard to gt over it!
i feel good wen i tak about my feelings wv my sister, n i feel strong after that. but thn again in some time i strtd feeling low.
please advice me something!

#56 by Jen, Aug 15, 2008

Dear Ann,
I\'ve been dating a guy on and off for the past 3 years. We didn\'t speak for a year and recently got back in touch again a few months ago. I just moved to WA from CA and coincidently he has been here as well working on a project at microsoft. One night he txted me and we got back in touch and started seeing each other again. We hooked up one night and afterwards he told me he didn\'t see it going anywhere b/c he was involved with someone in armania long distance. I am white and he is indian btw. He told me they\'ve never met and only chatted online but he wanted a relationship with her. Even though he told me this I stayed thinking I was better than the other girl and that I had a better chance with him than her. We\'ve always had amazing sexual chemistry with each other so b/c I felt so in love with him I didn\'t want to leave. Eventually though, we started fighting again and I got tired of knowing that I was his 2nd best so I broke it off with him but it wasn\'t easy. I got angry knowing that I could never be with him due to our diverse cultures and his unwillingness to ever try to invite me into this. Why wasn\'t I ever worthy of this? after the 3 years we spent together and the chemistry we shared that I\'ve never felt with anyone else. He had a lot of qualities that I look for in someone but I knew he\'d never offer me a real commitment. It ended by me leaving a message on his voicemail telling him how upset I was by him coming back to me knowing he never wanted me and that he wanted to stick to his culture all along. I haven\'t spoken to him since and want to cut all my ties but I still find myself thinking about him all the time and am disappointed it will never work despite the strong feelings I had for him. I know its time to move on but its hard to imagine I\'ll find someone else that I was so head over heels for and someone I had such strong chemistry with. I just wish he\'d left me alone to begin with. If he wanted the other girl I don\'t know why he came back to me.

#57 by Anne Lyken-Garner, Aug 15, 2008

Dear Tara,
There's nothing else to say than what you've already said. There is no future for this relationship.

This guy knew he was eventually leaving the country, so he thought he could have some fun. He's had it, now he's going.

You may have heard the saying, 'trust your instincts,' you didn't, and now you're paying for it.

Next time you meet someone who you feel is not right for you, don't start a relationship with them. I'm surprised that you got together with him, fully aware that he was not what you wanted. I don't know why you would do that.

Listen Tara, this may sound unfeeling, but it is the truth. You've had 2 months of a one-sided relationship with a man who used you. Be thankful that he's leaving, which means that this has no possibility of dragging out into years of abuse.

Talk to your sister and allow her to help you get over him. This is a crush gone bad. WE all have these. If we are wise, we will limit them to just one in our whole lifetime. Learn from this mistake.

Next time you feel a guy is not for you. Stay away from him!

In three to four weeks from now, you'll be wondering why you even bothered. This will heal very quickly.

Best wishes,
Anne

#58 by Anne Lyken-Garner, Aug 15, 2008

Dear Jen, I'm truly sorry to hear about your story. You seem to be totally in love with him.

Sometimes traditional parents and family members make it difficult for someone to marry outside of their culture. Many times, people who dare venture out of this situation are disowned by their parents.

I would blame this guy for answering your call, except that he was honest enough to level with you from the start.

You chose to remain with him, thinking that you could change his mind. The only good that has evolved out of this, is that you now know that you cannot change someone else's mind for them.

This is an unfortunate situation, but I am sure that if you choose to call him again some time in the future, the same thing will happen again. You have to now pick up your life and move on. Maybe you were uncertain of the terms of this affair the first time you split, now you are not!

Try the tips above as they really work. As a married woman, I can tell you that a vital part of any marriage is being able to accept one's in-laws. Even, if you had married this man, you may not have lasted very long together, because his parents would've never accepted you. This is a shame and it is certainly their (and his) loss.

Chemistry in a relationship can only count for so much. That has now been explored and expired from his point of view. As you know, a relationship is not one sided. He has his eyes on a girl and she isn't you. Restore your self-esteem and believe that you're worth loving just as much as you're willing to give, and this will help you move on swiftly.

It's time to leave this behind, isn't it?

#59 by Tara, Aug 16, 2008

Dear Anne,
thanx soo much for advice and support. I have changed my lifestyle now , i have again started going out doing things i love. I am making an effort on it.and i have confidence on myself that i wil get over it very soon!!its just still at times i feel a bit anxietic and low.
and jus to say: he didnt have any plans of leaving the country before, its just some time back only he decided on that.
But i undrstand your point and thanx for everyfng. will keep you updated with whats going on.
thanx a ton!

#60 by Tara, Aug 16, 2008

JEN,
Hi jus went thru ur story, n jus to let you know i am an indian girl, n being an indian girl i can tell you it's very rare that an indian man would marry a girl out of his culture. n secondly, parents also expect a daughter-in-law from their own culture, an its 1 in 20 that the boy would go against his parents wishes.
and to tell u the psycho of indian boys, if he is born and brought up in india...trust me men from their who go abroad have a thinking that till they are in abroad they will have full time fun with gals.
He is not for you.
if u r a sensible girl , leave him for good, i undrstnd its difficult , but once u put in ur efforts it wont be long before u forget him.
good luck!

#61 by Jen, Aug 17, 2008

Ann,
Thanks for your advice. Not only were our cultures different but he wasn\'t treating me well anyway. I know I can get over him and find a much better guy.

#62 by Jen, Aug 17, 2008

Tara,
Yeah, you\\\'re not the only one who told me that. That\\\'s the thing I\\\'m really concerned about now is if I should continue dating indian guys just for that reason. I really like them and the culture but I\\\'m scared I might run into this again. The guy I dated is punjabi so I know that culture tends to be a little more strict but I don\\\'t know if I should be working on changing my type and not date indian guys anymore. I really want something serious with someone but not sure if I need to start looking else where

#63 by Tara, Aug 17, 2008

Jen,
i would advise to you ,to go for a guy of your own culture, trust me u cant fit in better newhere else except wiv a guy of your own culture. as u arent expected to change ur way of living etc. and u can be yourself.

take care.

#64 by Anne Lyken-Garner, Aug 17, 2008

Jen, I have personal experience that two people from different so-called 'cultures' can live blissfully, happily together. They just have to both love and respect each other.

#65 by Jen, Aug 18, 2008

Anne,
Thanks for the encouragement. Sometimes I feel like I want to give up and am worried about going for a guy from another culture again but I'm ready to get back out there and try again. This time I will know how to clear the air to see if the culture aspect will be an issue in building the type of relationship I'm looking for. Thanks again Anne.

#66 by ruby, Aug 18, 2008

hi anne,
i just broke up with my boyfriend a week back. I am getting over him, but the thought that he might get back with his ex - gf (as they are still in contact, and he didnt even tell her about me)hurts me a bit, even though it has nothing to do with me. this feeling makes me feel really low.
please help me!

#67 by Anne Lyken-Garner, Aug 20, 2008

Dear Ruby,

As you obviously already know, what your ex does no longer concerns you.

What you do does not concern him either.

You're only feeling what is natural. If he had gone off with a new girl, you would've felt better about it.
Him going off with his ex makes you feel that he was still in love with her all the time he was with you, and that the time you spent with him was wasted on someone who always had their mind on someone they never got over.

You wil realise soon enough that you cannot blame yourself for his attitude. This only makes you unable to move on. Try the tips in the article and get away from the mind set in which you now sit.

Your life is YOURS to live, not his to make miserable. If you allow him to make you feel low, he has won.

It seems that this man was never yours (his heart belonged to someone else). Go out there and find someone who'll love you like you want to be loved. If you feel you're worth it, you'll press forward until you have it. Not half of it - the whole thing!

#68 by lily, Aug 23, 2008

hey
i like this article, and it really does work, I\'m doing all those things already and I can feel their effect on me day after day. Anyway, here\'s my story.. I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 and a half years about 2 months ago. We truly loved each other, and he treated me like a queen all along.. we rarely had any trouble, he\'s such a great person and never did anything to hurt me. But I think we exhausted the relationship too quickly, we became too much like an old married couple even though we\'re still 20!my feelings changed over time, and i had to end it, after many many times of trying to stay with him and improve it and pretend it\'s all still good..
Anywayyyy, people never see the side of the \"dumper\" as opposed to the dumpee, though i hate these terms coz it\'s not as if u\'r \"dumping\" a barrel of trash! so...it still does hurt when i think about him and about what could have been... and it\'s taking me a lottt of hard work to get over it and accept that i\'m never gonna be in love with him again the same way i used to...
I know the healthy thing to do is to move on, especially that it was a conscious decision of mine to break up and stop trying... And I am moving on, and i\'m feeling peaceful at times with the whole thing... I just wonder what would happen if like 5 years from now we get involved again and things do work out... mmm....
enough drama! liked the article! and good luck to everybody!

#69 by Anne Lyken-Garner, Aug 24, 2008

Thanks for leaving your comment here Lily. You're right, not many people think that the person who does the breaking-up suffers, but they do.

You did the right thing by not holding on and becoming more and more miserable as things grew progressively worse. Many young women do this and it's such a waste.

Like I said in a previous post, (and as your story has demonstrated this) not all relationships are built to last. Some run their courses naturally and when that has happened, we must take the cue and walk away.

The thing to remember is that there were reasons why you broke up. It may take you 5 years to forget those reasons, but that does not mean that they have disappeared, or that you would suddenly become compatible with him. An ex is an ex for a reason, a reason that does not go away with time. It's not a good idea to re-visit and consume your stale vomit.

Stick to your decision, and keep moving forward.
Best wishes

#70 by summer, Aug 28, 2008

i like this so much..

all make sense..

when it comes to loving a man..women ten to rely on feelings rather than brain..while feelings are not always reliable..and we get dpressed from eating up our feelings..

i'm deeply heartbroken but i have decided to move on gracefully..
my ex broke up with me with excuse that he's too young to settle down..that he's not into marriage and having kids..and that i was the best thing ever happened in his life but i deserved much better man..not a young unstable man like him..

but less than 2 months post our break up i heard he married a woman whom he has known for only few days..

can you imagine how i feel?
he didnt only break my heart..he grabbed my heart out of my chest..put it in a blender and drank it as smothie..

however i refuse to feel miserable over him so i'm moving on
i find this advice very soothing and helpful..

thank you so much..
people who share their thoughts and help others feel better are so awesome

love
Summer

Inside BeyondJane

10 Sure Ways to Get Over Him

Can't seem to get over a terrible break-up? Follow these sure ways of finally putting it behind you for good.

1. Whatever You Do, Don't Call Him

2. Do Spend Some Time on Your Own

3. Do Write a List

4. Don't Go to His Favourite Hangouts

5. Don't Keep His Things

6. Do Treat Yourself

7. Do Have a Good Cry

8. Don't Be Nasty

9. Do Use Your Free Time

10. Don't Rush into a New Relationship

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