Wonder why you ever got married? Or are you contemplating marriage and want some guidelines? Either way, these tips from a woman who has been happily married for almost twenty two years may help you keep your marriage on track.
Laugh together
Rent a comedy, watch television comics, and share a laugh. Schedule fun in your planner. Remembering your shared joys later helps keep you connected.
Get along with your in-laws
Family is important. Family grounds us. Your partner got his values and morals from his family of origin. Include them in your life and your lives will be richer. Make the effort. My spouse and I like each others' family members. Most of them. Most of the time. From a distance
Plan a couple's only weekend getaway
Get out of town together. Eat dinner at a nice restaurant, one that requires reservations and has a dress code. Afterward, you might take in a movie, or go to the theatre, or go to a nightclub. The best part about getting away together is retiring for the evening to a nice motel room. “Nuff said?
Take a family vacation
That week or ten days with the kids, exploring new places and doing fun activities reminds us that there is a whole big world out there. That makes it easier to get through the daily grind back home. It is relaxing to plan a trip and the anticipation gives you something to look forward to. The goal of saving for it unites you. Make memories together.
Play together
Find something that the whole family enjoys doing together. When our kids were younger, we camped, fished, hiked, swam and played board games as a family. Now our play is skiing and eating out. The family that plays together stays together.
Pursue individual interests
No one person can be everything for another person. My spouse likes computer games, watching sports on television and reading about history. I don't. That's okay. We are two separate people with different likes and dislikes, hobbies, friends and desires. You need a support system and so does he. You two are not joined at the hip. You'll have something to talk about because of your different interests. Keeps your marriage fresh
Maintain some money of your own
Everyone needs money to spend -or save- that is uncensored. Your great great grandma probably kept egg money for the same reason. Budget it in monthly for each of you, just like you budget the car payment.
Make financial decisions together
Marriage isa partnership. Business partners are accountable to their shareholders, board members, and sometimes grant or community funders. You and your spouse are partners in the business of your marriage. You each need to know where the money is coming from and how it is being spent or saved. You each get to be heard and have an equal voice. Partnership, remember?
Don't gossip
Don't tell marital secrets to your Mom, sister, friends, or coworkers. How would you like it if your partner talked about you to his family, friends or people at work? Keep your comments positive. You love the man. You will forget and forgive his annoying, temporary flaws. If you have to vent, tell a priest who is bound to secrecy. Or write it all down on a piece of paper and then burn it the next day. (Obviously, I'm not talking about a damaging secret like domestic violence, or drug or alcohol abuse. Those are situations you must not tolerate and that you have to share in order to get help).
Children learn what they live
Your daughter will expect the same behavior from her husband that she sees from her mother's spouse. Your son will treat his wife how your husband treats you. Model the behavior you want them to learn.
Divide to conquer
There are a multitude of tasks that must be completed every day, especially if you have kids. There are many ways to divide up the chores to ensure that everything gets done. Make sure the kids have chores, too. Remember, nobody likes a martyr and resentment builds contempt.
Marriage is a team sport
Sometimes you have to take one for the team, sometimes one team player is the star and the other is the back up or the supporting player. Teams work together so they can improve their strengths and abilities. Team members show up every day. They rely on one another. They cheer each other on. There is no I in team. You put the team first. If you have kids, you incorporate them into the team. Everybody works together for the common good. Go Team Family!
Everything, good and bad, is just a phase
That knowledge reminds you to enjoy the good times and enables you to survive the bad times.
Cut each other some slack
. Do the best you can and love one another in spite of, or sometimes because of, your frailties. Ask for help when you need it. Isn't that what partnership is all about?
Talk with one another
Talk about subjects other than household duties, the kids, or work. When you were dating and falling in love you each wanted to find out everything you could about one another. You thought your partner was interesting, funny, smart, insightful, and understanding. Guess what? He still might be. People change over time. They evolve. Their hopes and dreams and fears are formed by life experiences and lessons. Have you really listened in the past month to who he is now? You may fall in love all over again. Just don't start the conversation with the words men dread to hear, “We need to talk.”
Don't pretend to be a mind reader
The silent treatment never solves any problems and neither does jumping to conclusions. Open your mouth and ask if you think something is bothering your spouse. You may not like the answer, but at least you will know the issue. Chances are it is nothing to do with you. It might be something at work, or he's worried about his golf game, or whatever. Have courage and ask. Then you know what you have to deal with. If it isn't your problem, don't accept responsibility for it. You're both adults. Act like one.
Speak rationally
Do emotional outbursts really help situations? Here's the deal. You may forgive what someone has said that hurts you, but you never forget. There is no delete button. You can play those same words over and over again in your head for a lifetime and they will continue to give you grief and cause doubt. If you never hear them, you don't have anything to forgive or forget. A calm, rational discussion might actually resolve your issues.
Be accountable
You can't change your partner's behavior; you can only change your own. What you think, say, do and feel are up to you. This could be subtopic-give up control! You cannot control your spouse; you only control yourself. Do you like the person you choose to be? If not, only you can change you-and your spouse will have to deal with any behavioral changes you choose to make.
Making love isn't enough
Great sex can help bind you to one another. Sex can also help smooth over rough patches in a marriage. If sex is all that is keeping you together, you are in lust, not love. Your marriage is not going to work. Ask yourself this; if an accident, infirmity, medication or old age prevented us from having sex, would I still stay married? If the answer is no, you really need to get some professional counseling to determine if this marriage should be saved. Passion fades, love grows stronger.
Remember the Bucket List
If you had one month to live, how would you live it? Live in the present. Leave work at the office. Enjoy your time together. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, what is the most important thing in the world? Love. Loving and being loved. Isn't that why you got married in the first place?
