A Black Man's Place in Today’s Family/Relationships with a Black Woman

A friend and I had a long conversation about this topic of a man's (black man's) place in a marriage/family. This is my serious contemplation because it is an ongoing discussion on various sites on the Net geared toward black folks and in various black magazines.

We were discussing how it is that black men and women can't seem to be successful in committed relationships. Statistically, black women are the most likely group of women to never marry. Black men are well, statistically more likely to fall in so many negative categories but we don't always believe all that hype. We really don't need the statistics or data to simply comment on casual observations that we all seem to share about our personal relationships, family history and current situations and what we know from others in the community.

Okay, but this is what I think is a small portion of a very complex issue but is truly due serious consideration. I have visited sites that continuously document the plight of black men from dealing with discrimination, loving outside the race, to moaning about the difficulties sistas bring to relationships. Let's speak on the issues black men have with black women and why strife is there between blacks from any given socioeconomic background. Can we really subscribe to old school roles and beliefs in households that no longer function that way?

Black women, many of them, seem too aggressive and or too independent and or too bitchy and or too negative and or too (brothas fill in the blank). Black women counter that with their need to fill the stereotype and mythical image of the Strong Black Woman (which was propagated by white folks and white women from back in the bondage days, topic for another discussion), or they explain that they were disappointed by every black man in their life beginning with daddy who wasn't really there or they recite all the accomplishments that they sacrificed to achieve because as black women they had to be strong and independent to get those THINGS or they recite so much baggage from previous jerks they loved who happened to be black men. In any case, both bring baggage to the table. The problem is that we don't want to acknowledge that and deal with it so it is easier for both sides to blame the other.

Now I believe the larger issue that further compounds the problem is that we have not defined the role of black men in our lives as wives, girlfriends, etc. What I mean is that black men still hold onto old school notions of what a man's place is in the home and sistas even those who think they are old school really don't subscribe to that notion in their day to day living. Again I ask--can we really subscribe to old school roles and beliefs in households that no longer function that way?

The status of black women has changed in so many ways due to the fact that more black women are educated, advancing economically and many of these women don't have husbands or long-term partners. Many have never been married and they may or may not have children. So many of these women you hear saying they don't need a man. Even sistas who are struggling in the hood may be saying that as well because they may be making it still living with mama, getting by on a government check and housing and a low paying job but they are making it even with kids. So the question begins to be "what do we really need men for?" Good question and one that should be answered in light of the social changes we see in the black community. This question needs to be answered in a discourse with our brothers so we all know what we need men for and define their roles then hold them accountable. Too much of what I'm reading is showing that men educated or not, are confused by what they can truly contribute to a committed relationship with a woman or even to his family.

My thoughts are that women don't really need men in the same since today that women in our mothers, grandmothers or even great grandmother's needed them. Some would argue that black women don't really need men but that can easily be argued when we begin understanding the impact of the lack of a father in the home on children (male and female). However, the purpose or place of a man in a woman's life will depend on so many social variables along with her desire to have him. Most women don't need men for financial reasons especially if she is already established in her own profession, home, etc. Many men weigh their purpose against their financial stability and economic ability to provide given their status with employment or employability. In the traditional sense a man would be the bread winner and the one who brought financial stability to the home. Today, for many women, especially educated women, that is not necessary. In fact, for those homes with two incomes, it is as necessary for the woman to bring the bacon home as the man or more so if she happens to be the bread winner.

So, I have read that many black men, as is the case with all men, link their importance and identity to their employment status. Without running down the statistics of prison, AIDS, etc, let's consider how the average black man must be identifying with his current status in society and as an employed or unemployed man. If black men can't use the old school measure of a man's place to determine his place with his woman and family, what can he use? That is where our communities need to come together and address that or else we raise our sons to be even more confused than men we know today! I believe we must look beyond what we were taught and find new paradigms for defining successful relationships and families because everything we know that is old school and traditional doesn't work for today. If today is troubled, what of tomorrow when our children will need to know how to form successful relationships that lead to successful families? That is my opinion and thought of the day.