When the couple came into the counseling center they were upset. They did not know whether to stay or to leave each other.
I asked them if they still loved each other and they both answered “yes.”
Then I asked them what was going on in their relationship and they both stated that they did not get along, that they argued and that neither of them felt loved or appreciated.
I was not surprised to hear their words. I have heard the same story over and over again.
After awhile, couples get sloppy. The partners stop doing the things that they did when they were courting or wooing each other. Gone are the flowers, the terms and words of endearment, the expressions of gratitude and praise, the times spent holding each other and caressing each other, the sharing of intimate moments apart from the children, the kind actions of helping out and serving each other... They start instead treating each other worse than they would treat a dog (as they would at least give praise to a dog,)
They take each other for granted and give each other the treatment that they would not give to their worst enemy. I do not know why this occurs. I just know that in many cases, unless there is a lot of effort on the part of the couple to do otherwise, this occurs.
One thing that I often say to a couple is, “What attracted you to your mate?” They smile often as they remember the body, the smile, the kind actions done by their mate in the beginning of the relationship… For a moment there is a glow that is seen in them...
Yet there is also sadness and regret as they realize that they have moved far from that point in time. They have, after all, grown a part while they have grown together.
I ask them to go on a date together. Get a babysitter once a month at least and treat each other on that date as if they are courting each other. Non demand dating, No sexual advances, just the getting together and learning about each other like they did when they were younger… Of course if any sexual relations that take place it is okay with me.
I also then tell them to start praising each other and saying “thank you” and making a big deal out of what their partner does for them… If the husband picks up some clothing off of the floor or fixes dinner or washes the dishes, the wife should give him a hug and kiss and tell him how much it meant to her to have him do that for her and how much she appreciates his efforts, his strength, etc. And the same for the husband if she does something like fix a good dinner or clean the house or take care of the children or pick up something for him, he should praise that and thank her for that as well as telling her how beautiful she is.
Expressions of love, praise, gratitude, terms of endearment like cute nicknames that are flattering to both partners, hugs, kisses, completion of things on the “Honey do lists” are all things that should be increased by any couple to avoid their appearance in my office or in the office of a divorce lawyer.
If I could speak to all couples and tell them how to avoid needing counseling services later, I would say give each other quality time. Treat your partner like you would treat your best friend, your favorite co-worker, the person whom you most respect , love and admire… Avoid getting sloppy.
