I saw my first robin of Spring yesterday...two guys held up
a Seven-Eleven. (Rim shot.)
But, yes, it is Spring and that means bright sunshine,
colorful flowers and a young man's fancy turns
to...baseball. Just kidding. I mean, love. And what
follows love, but engagements. And what follows
engagements, but marriage. And what follows marriage, but
fighting over control of the TV remote.
This year there will be more June brides than June bugs.
Women are lucky in that they usually have a prenuptial
discussion with their mothers about what to expect out of
marriage. Men have a prenuptial discussion about what to
expect out of a marriage, too. It's called the bachelor
party.
That's why I would like to use this column to advise the
young men, about to make that important step, of the
pitfalls and trip wires to avoid.
First of all, there are two very important magic words you
must learn before we continue.
Those words are, “I'm
sorry.” Learn them.
Practice them in front of a mirror.
Saying these two words, convincingly, can mean the
difference between being served your favorite dinner and a
bowl of Kibbles "N Bits.
At work, you may be the one who makes all the important
decisions, but once you pass through the portals of your
domicile, your decisions don"t mean squat. To avoid
confrontations and a series of squabbles that will only end
in you having to say the two “magic” words anyway, leave
the decisions to her. She will appreciate you for having
enough confidence in her decision making and you won't have
to worry about where she hid your underwear. (Besides,
you'll get used to sleeping in a fuchsia bedroom with
periwinkle slipcovers and a hot pink canopy.)
Just like you, wives go through different changes in moods.
However, even if you lived together for forty years before
getting married, you will never see all the moods that they
go through. Taking an educated guess, I would have to
safely say that there are only about sixteen minutes a
month that your wife won't want to take a power tool to one
of your limbs.
Another thing to keep in mind is...you're wrong. Accept
that fact. You are never right. If the sky is blue,
you're wrong.
If tomorrow is Friday, you're wrong.
There's another phrase you may want to start practicing.“You're right, dear.” In fact, if you combine the two
phrases that you have been taught, (“I'm sorry. You're
right, dear.”) effectively, many a night on the sofa with a
spring jabbing you in the back can be avoided.
Be prepared to be made to look like an incompetent fool at
any time. If you leave the bath mat on the floor after
taking a shower, you will be notified. If you leave the
bath mat on the floor a second time, she will personally
come down to your place of work, with bath mat in hand,
point to it, and in her most condescending voice say, “Did
we forget something today?”
There is a way of not doing housework, but it takes
practice and being able to look foolish with a sincere
expression on your face. Let's say you've been assigned to
do the laundry. Wait for her to catch you loading the
washer with whites and a stack of blue socks and ask her if
you should use hot water.
She will immediately push you to
the side and tell you, “You don't know what you're doing.”
In which case, your response will be what? Correct. “I'm
sorry. You're right, dear.” This will be an excellent
opportunity for you to grab the sports section of the
newspaper and head to the “library.” (Just remember, the
lid must be down when you finish. Better known as the
Eleventh Commandment.)
Well, got to go.
My wife just walked by and gave me THAT look. It can only mean one thing. After making my
sandwich for lunch today, I must have left my knife on the
counter instead of washing, drying and putting it away.
So, keep in mind these simple rules and you, too, will have
a marriage made in Heaven. “What's that? The knife goes
in the silverware drawer and not on the counter? I'm
sorry. You're right, dear.”
