There's no doubt about it: arguments, if properly and effectively carried out, can strengthen and evolve a relationship. However, if arguments become disrespectful, violent or malicious, they will bring a relationship to its knees and eventually to its death (sometimes prematurely).
Arguments can be good for any relationship. There are just a few rules that need to be followed so that the final outcome will be one that will advance the relationship instead of cripple it. Remember, just because you're in the middle of an argument, it does not mean that you get a free pass to yell, call names, disrespect or give low blows. An argument is simply a difference of opinion. Unfortunately, because human nature gets in the way, it is very hard to control our emotions during an argument, and we give in to the adrenaline rush we feel when challenged. That's when the nasty comes out.
I speak from experience when I say that resorting to name-calling and low blows will not only turn your stomach but also want to make you turn your back. To the other person and to the relationship itself. I have been at the receiving end of such arguments. And while I used to yell and curse like a sailor, I stopped immediately after the other party let me know how much it hurts them when I do that. It wasn't easy to make that change, I had fought that way my entire life. But I wanted to have a successful relationship. Unfortunately, the other person didn't think the same rules applied to him and he continued to disrespect, low-blow and say some really malicious things to me, even after I begged him to work on controlling that kind of behavior during arguments. He promised to work on it but all I saw was a very minute change in how loud he was screaming.
Such lack of commitment to promises he made, as well as continued disrespect, forced me to eventually see him in a whole new light. And let me tell you, it wasn't a halo above his head or golden rays of sunshine. Thoughts of leaving him started creeping in my mind and the more ineffective, frustrating arguments we had, the more I wanted to leave.
It took me a long time to leave though. Why? Because of the battle that had ensued between my head and my heart. I still had feelings for this person and when we weren't fighting we could have a pretty good time. Also, our finances were joined and we lived together, which makes it harder to leave, from a financial point of view. But when I finally realized that I was lying to myself by trying to believe this relationship still had a chance, I finally said my good-byes.
Unfortunately, few people change because they truly want to change. You have to WANT to be a better person to your partner; respect and common courtesy should be second nature and you have to realize that hitting below the belt should never be done to someone you love because it will achieve nothing other than turn the other person bitter and resent you. Arguments should be held just like any other conversation: in a calm, level voice, with a combination of thought and feeling and with always keeping the other person's opinion and feelings in mind at all times.
Bitter arguments will not only have a negative effect on your relationship, but they will also affect you physically. Studies show that during an argument, our heart rate and blood pressure goes up, which have an extremely unhealthy result on the body and mind: we become stressed, irritable, gain or lose weight, develop insomnia. No person is worth this if they don't make those crucial changes to their communication style. Mental and emotional abuse can be just as bad as physical abuse. You will lose your self confidence, even if in the back of your mind you know you are a brilliant, confident individual. You will feel worthless, cheap and damaged. And that's no way to live. If you have taken the time and tried to calmly and logically argue and you have asked for some positive changes to take place but the other person won't budge, then they're not worth sticking around for. You will build so much resentment and animosity towards the other person, that arguments and their negative effects will bleed into your quality of your life. You will find yourself remembering every detail of every argument and it will rob you of the ability to enjoy yourself, even when you're not fighting.
My ex eventually realized his mistakes and wanted to make all the changes I had asked him to make so that our arguments would have a more positive outcome. But it was entirely too late. I had already left and he only wanted to make some changes so I would go back to him. By now though, my head had won the battle over my heart and rationality settled in. Even though I had forgiven him, the scars remained and I had too many for me to ever try walking hand-in-hand with him again. I needed time to heal and I did just that. Alone.
Every single one of us can change. It's just a matter of us choosing to do so.
Life is all about making choices. Do we want to eat white bread or wheat? Do we want to have a fulfilling career or just make the most money possible? Do we want to develop the kind of communication style that will make for successful relationships, or do we want to give in to the personality traits we've developed over the years and just say "This is who I am, I can't change" because it's the easy way out? It's all about making choices. Ask yourself what you want out of your relationships and you will make the right choice. And if the other person really, truly cares, then they will too. If that's not the case, then just admit that you were dealt a bad hand and it's time you free yourself of this relationship and try your hand at a new one. Fortunately, life always gives us another chance and if you had a losing hand last turn, maybe you'll get a better one the next time you try.
