Woe is me, woe is me. I say this with compassion and with warmth about myself. I hope this might lift anyone out yonder who has struggled with focus, higher vibrations, and perspective in manifesting the life of goodness one desires. As a dyed-in-the-wool romantic, my whirlwind courtship and marriage even astonished many of my friends and family with its blinding speed.
It is obvious I had something to learn because I am a believer in the laws of attraction and operating frequencies of life. My little patchwork quilt of romance seemed to come apart at the seams, but - I found the desire to want change…and to become grateful for my life as it was before the path swung back to a journey of enjoyment. Perhaps this was a slippery slope, but I craved a new vantage point for myself - and as painful as this has been, and it has…it still, indeed, has been a new perspective.
This little tale is filled with the angst of any dime-store romance novel - and that is most probably how I deemed to fit my character into this play of marriage and extended family. I must add with a great deal of humor and hopefully, my own brand of wit, the feelings of hurt and sadness came mighty easily. Way too easily, of course. I seemed determined to search for that “knight on a white steed” to come out and rescue me - hoping with honey-dripping romance that it would be my new husband, it took some time to acknowledge that I was the only presence who could “rescue” me.
I'm telling the tale of heightened emotions and gut-wrenching “desires” to laugh at the “all or nothing” caption to the entire affair. Life isn't like this, but I certainly made it that way for almost half a year. God bless those who let me use their shoulders while attempting to guide me to new viewpoints.
My husband's bipolar issues may or may not have held sway at all in this scenario. I did discover as I climbed out of the dark pit of feeling victim to my own choices, that everything is a choice. And there is not a point of “no return.” Change is always possible.
So begins the story of my 5-month marriage to this man, my husband…and the family which comes along for the ride. Let me say from the outset that I am not at all flippant when living the pain of dealing with a close dynamic suffering with any disorder such as the bipolar one. My spouse-to-be with a good job asked if I might make the hotel reservation, contact the minister, and pay for our trip to Coeur D'Alene because he would otherwise need to wait for his next paycheck - and his work schedule wouldn't allow leeway for a wedding ceremony at that time. Honestly, I held this as a yardstick against him, without voicing it. Keeping a tally sheet is a tough way to begin developing closeness.
This man who became my husband is charming, bright, and accomplished in the high tech industry. He showed such warmth, joy, and compassion about life…and he acted like he genuinely enjoyed time with me. Well, of course he did! I, too, am charming - and my goal was truly, marriage! I felt we communicated and found a marvelous friendship while he was letting go of a much treasured romantic love that simply ended by the other's choice.
Interestingly, this “great love” had terminated the relationship after one sensuously hot-and-heavy entity had lived heartily for a year - and the desire for “the quest” remained strong within him. This reminds me of the line from “Star Wars” where Darth Vadar says “the Force is Strong with this One.” Of course, this said with great importance and meaning. My gentleman likes challenge - the chance to do those deeds of “daring do” and “prove” oneself to the fair lady.
I'm a regular, older gal with an absence of movie-star characteristics and the ability and willingness to grab a hammer to help my male counterpart tackle household chores. So my concern of perhaps not living up to the standards of “beauty” of his past loves and relationships was delightfully calmed when I saw pictures of this last in a line of quite remarkable women.
Remarkable on many fronts while being quite “the norm” in appearance. “My man,” said with the same emphasis found in the musical, “Porgy and Bess,” is not only charming, witty, and humorous, but a handsome and virile man. Montana stock - strong in many ways, and kind. He makes me go weak in the knees when he flashes that open smile with shining eyes full of intellect and awareness.
