Children can be the trickiest part of dating after a divorce. The problems can arise in several areas. The children may not approve of you seeing other men or women. Your children may not get along with the children of your new interest if it becomes more than casual dating. Children can become conduits of information about your love life to your ex that you would rather he or she not hear. You may have guilt over leaving your child with a sitter to go out. Finally, your new partner may not like your children or vice versa.
Since most children really would like for their parents to still be together, anyone that either of them date is considered a threat to reconciliation. With the guilt that many children carry away from a divorce, they believe that the only way to get rid of the guilt is to get their parents back together. A new partner makes this possibility far less likely to happen.
One of the primary manifestations of this is anger in the child. It is not the person being seen, it is the dating that is not liked. The child's frustration at not being able to fix his or her parents brings the guilt to the surface in the form of anger. If the parent can take the time to continually explain the situation to the child, it will eventually get better. By not rushing the dating, the child is given more opportunity to understand.
If both you and the person that you are dating have children, this introduces a new level of potential conflict. The incompatibility of two sets of children may be more than than you are willing and able to overcome. Even moving slowly in these cases may not help. You have the children's dislike of each other. Added to this possible sibling rivalry. The next step is two former spouses prodding the children not to get along. It can become quite a tangled mess.
Your former spouse will interrogate the children about what is going on in your life. Often after a divorce, each spouse will want to make sure that the ex is not getting ahead in putting his or her life back together. You will want to keep your dating private as long as possible. This will only stay private until the next visitation cycle if your kids know about it.
Parents feel bad for what they have put the children through after a divorce. The having to go back and forth for parental visitation added on top of the trauma of the family break up is seen as a major hardship for their young lives. Because of this, the thought of putting the little ones in the hands of a sitter only matters worse. If you choose to date only when the children are on the other end of the visitation cycle, this can create problems with developing a relationship.
The biggest and worst part of dating with children happens when your children do not like your dating partner, and he or she does not like them. Some people just do not want kids around. It is not your kids that make the problem. It is any child. When the children are discovered, the next sound you hear is the car pulling out of the driveway.
Personality issues are the flip side to this problem. You may have to face it. If your new interest is genuinely not liked by your children, it may not be wise to continue. Sorting out whether it is really dislike of the individual or the dating can be tough. If it is the former, keep on looking. More than likely your date is sending signals that he or she does not want your children around. They are picking it up but you are not.
Dating can be harder with children, but it is not impossible. Keep your head on and your eyes open. Most of the problems can be sorted out in the long run.
