You've probably heard the cliché that what it takes to get a man; it takes the same thing to keep him. This is the easy part. The truth of the matter is HOW you get a man, determines what you will have to put up with to keep him. The situation surrounding his life at the time you meet him, may create the foundation for future interactions and set the tone for the relationship and how it is perceived by others. Look at the decline of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's marriage. Britney pursued Kevin while he was in a relationship with his then pregnant girlfriend, Shar Jackson.
Did you steal him from his wife?
Situation:
You were involved in a clandestine relationship that made good. You don't have to use your special code to call him anymore and you can be with him on the holidays. He left his wife for you and has now made you an honest woman. Chances are your relationship will be marred with insecurity and doubt. You'll know all of his lies before he even opens his mouth and how he hides his car five blocks away from where he is really visiting. You'll know everything about him; accept when he is really telling the truth.
Challenge:
Trust. How can you learn to trust each other when your relationship was weaved in the midst of lies? If you and him can find away to trust each other and not repeat the past, this will be the key to making your relationship work. You both should sit down together and list 10 reasons why you can trust each other.
You borrowed him from your best friend, but now he's yours.
Situation:
Your best friend confided to you that he was an excellent kisser and that she didn't know that her toes were orgasmic. She wasn't exactly faithful to him, so you rationalized that what she doesn't know won't hurt her. So you loaned him your body for one night, but he decided to play for keeps.
Challenge:
Will you be able to trust women in the future with your partner? If you find that it is difficult for you to trust other women in general, look within your spirit and recognize that you are reflecting your own beliefs about yourself. In addition, you may have difficulty believing that he is faithful to you. Sometimes when we feel like we stole something it never feels like it really belongs to us. If your love is really true, learn to forgive yourself because what is truly yours can not be taken.
You met him while he was incarcerated.
Situation:
You've never met a man who was so in touch with his feelings and able to express his deepest emotions-outside of prison. He mailed you pictures of his chiseled body and his poetic words swept you off your feet. He professed that he has learned his lesson and paid his debt to society. He's a changed man who now wants to get married… right away. No job, no money, no place to live, but he is adorable and madly in love with you. You patiently waited for his letters, but now you're looking forward to the real thing.
Challenge:
Slow down and give him an opportunity to find his own two feet and then stand on them. What he's attracted to behind prison walls, may not look the same when there are more opportunities. He needs space and time to establish goals, a fresh identity and his place in the free world. Of course he wants to lean on you; he has nothing but faith in himself. Don't become his crutch. When he is able to stand alone, and if he is still interested, slowly move towards a stable relationship.
You fell in love in a substance abuse rehabilitation program
Situation:
Your eyes met during group therapy. You had never seen such a rugged, handsome man cry before. His sensitivity and honesty was breathtaking. You know you aren't supposed to get involved with other rehab residents, but this is different. Rules were meant to be broken. No one has ever understood you like him. So you allow yourself to fall in love with him.
Challenge:
Maintaining a drug-free life style is a major challenge by itself. Dealing with your demons can be overwhelming, but dealing with his and yours can land you both back into rehab. Don't trade in one addiction for another. Wait until you are emotionally stable before getting involved with someone for at least 9-12 months, some programs suggest more or less time.
You were his part-time undercover lover, who has been promoted to full-time.
Situation:
Booty-call and extracurricular sex are slang phrases that described your previous relationship. There was no schedule or commitment. When he called to see you and you weren't busy you spent time together. Outside of the bedroom you're not really sure what he looks like or where he works or who his friends are or maybe even his last name. You met him at a club and the only thing you know for sure is that he sure knows how to make a girl feel good. But, lately he's been calling before 11 pm and he even held you after sex. You've been wondering what brought about the sudden change in his behavior.
Challenge:
Who held the full-time position before you; did he fire her did or did she quit the morning shift. What were her qualifications and how long ago did she leave. Your concerns should be whether you can trust him or not in a committed relationship. Move slowly and find out who he really is. Before your ninety days are up, call your old part-time booty-call job and see who answers.
