Ah... finally all is quiet. The kids are snug up in their beds, the dogs have been fed and let out for the night, and here I sit. Typing away with my feet up, I'm wishing that while I was out running errands for everyone else today, I would have thought to stop and get myself some vodka for a killer martini. Mmmm- that would be a fantastic finish to another crazy day. It's amazing how fast the days go by when you are a single mom of three kids, 7, 4 & 2 years old.
Lets see, I awoke at 6:45am to the screeches of my little one, affectionately nicknamed "Bubba", ringing through the house. "Mama...MAMA...MAAAMAAA!!!!! Ok, I'm up - who needs an alarm clock. Time to get breakfast made, get the two older kids up and ready for school, brush teeth, comb hair, put on shoes and socks. Hustle, hustle!! Into the minivan to drop Junior, 7, off at his school and Sweetie-girl, 4, off at hers. Bubba and I go home, I put him in the stroller, and we walk 1.5 miles to the beat of Breaking Benjamin. Wow - I love those guys!! Before I know it, it is time to pick up Sweetie at school, and meet my sister, the ultimate fashion diva and also my best friend, for a joy ride to Providence. We are making appointments for our next round of tattoos. See, that's what you do when you are divorced , you start doing all the crazy things that are on your "To Do Before I Die" list. Now that I think of it, only 60 more days until my divorce becomes final... yahoo!!! I think I am going to plan that "Hooray!! My Divorce is Final!" party I've been thinking about. File that away in the mental rolodex.
For the sake of people who do not know me, I should back up about 30+ years and give you a little background about myself. I was raised by a mother & stepfather in MA. I was an only child until the age of 11 when my crazy sister was born, followed by my crazy brother 18 months later. Back then it was hard to relate to them because of the age difference. They were more like my own kids than siblings, and boy, did they torture me!! I used to babysit them over the summer and I would call my mother on the phone crying and vowing never to have children of my own!! Those little rats! Then I went off to college, met my now ex-husband, got married, had 3 kids, and was living what everyone thought was "The Life". Little did everyone know that my "Mr. Perfect" was an obsessive-compulsive control freak who became increasingly impossible to please on any level (but that's another story entirely in and of itself).
So, after almost 10 years of marriage and several years of unhappiness, we split up. So, here I am, a 33 year old, stay at home, single mom trying to figure out what to do with myself. What do I know about dating? It's certainly been awhile since I was "on the scene". You know, having to get all dolled up, having to put on a cute outfit (complete with high heeled shoes), and worst of all, having to compete with all those cute, skinny little 20-somethings with tight asses and perky boobs. Man, I'm screwed! Oh well, at least I have a good sense of humor (whatever!!). OK, so...where do I meet guys? At the clubs? Through friends? Oddly enough, the first guy I was sort-of-seeing was a friend of my sister's. (she is now 22 and can legally go out to clubs and parties. - a.k.a. my link to the hip social scene). When I met "Joe" he was 22...and I was 32. HAHAHA!! Nice, right?!
I was the envy of all my married girlfriends! Joe was quite the guy; he was single, employed, had his own apartment, and had a body to DIE for!!! Boy did I luck out! We even had things in common! We liked the same type of music, liked to have a few drinks, liked to laugh and have a good time. It seemed pretty cool. In my heart , though, I knew things would never work. After all, I was raising 3 kids and he was having trouble housebreaking a puppy!! My life was devoted to my kids during the week, while he hung out at the bar, drinking, smoking, and playing darts. After a couple months of hanging out and hooking up, I decided that Joe just was not the guy for me. We still see each other out and about from time to time, and I am glad to say that we are friends. I will always cherish the time we spent together; all the times he passed out in the back seat of the car, all the "shots" of Dr. McG. we did together, and the laughter and randomness of it all. Though I can't help but ask myself "now what?"
I think I've watched every episode of Oprah and Dr. Phil imaginable, taken every piece of advice from friends and family, watched "What Not to Wear" and that show about loving yourself naked with that Carson Queer-eye guy. Still, I don't know what to do, where to go, how to feel about myself. I'm not as young as I once was, not as skinny, not as beautiful, at least in my own head. I've suffered from years of being told I was out of shape and overweight, even though I am the average size of an American woman. My self esteem has been shattered. How do I rebuild it? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure everything out.
In the meantime, I do have people to thank: my family for all their love and support, my doctor for my anti-depression and anti-anxiety medication (please pass the Prozac!!), and my kids for always being there to snuggle up with me on the couch and listen to a good book (not to mention countless hugs and kisses). Well, that's enough for tonight. I am mighty tired and tomorrow is another busy day. I have a house to clean, laundry to wash, shoes to buy, martinis to mix, and weekend plans to make. Oh, and I'm excited for Friday, the day I get my next tattoo. I might even get my belly button pierced. One more thing accomplished before I die...cross off 14.
