Good relationships are messy. You fight, you love, you agree, you get angry. But can you communicate?
Knowing how to talk to each other keeps your love vibrant and throbbing.
When trouble comes, shift the problems from two people who can't agree to a couple in a relationship. You both want love, laughter and good sex, right? So, what's in a relationship?
Here's a few tips and guidelines.
Always and Never
Two words you must always remember never to use. Recognize them? - Is it true he never remembers to take out the trash? Does she always forget to call you? Always and never words hurt.
Evil TV
Turn off that television. When you come home from work, what do you do? Make dinner, wash dishes, watch tv and go to sleep? Don't turn on the TV and maybe something else gets turned on. Here's a secret. Don't keep a TV in your bedroom.
Threats
Don't throw out the big_I'm leaving you statement_ unless you mean it. Keep it simple. Use your head. You can say "When you talk to me like that I don"t think you love me.'
Hurt Feelings
Feelings are feelings. We can't control them_they fall on us like rain. We can control our reactions.
If you're fighting about who forgot to feed the cat, is it really about the cat or is it about the way she said it? Are you remembering other times she's talked to you like that? Work it out. Don't let it ride.
Styles of Coping
Understand and respect how your partner handles stress. If she tells you "it"s nothing.' she means it's nothing. Don't push her. Do you like to cool down or settle it right then?
Compromise
Think of your relationship as your baby. Nurture it, don't drop it.
Stay Focused
Stay on topic. If you're hot and upset discussing money problems, you can't toss in arguments from last week. Don't waste time holding in resentment.
The Little Stuff
Little problems add up to big problems. Did you hear about the couple divorcing because the husband left the cap off of the toothpaste? I doubt they divorced over toothpaste, but it's a good example of small upsets adding up.
We Can't Agree
If you don't agree, you don't agree. It's time to respect each other and the relationship by agreeing to disagree. This doesn't mean shoving the argument under the bed. It means understanding your partner's feelings.
Say That Again?
In total miscommunication_ a psychologist might suggest this. After your partner tells you something_ repeat his words back to him.
When you repeat his words_ he knows you're listening, not watching TV_ you didn't it turn on, did you?
Now, it's your turn. Let him repeat your words. All the words are on the table in plain sight. Now, you're communicating. Remember, both of your feelings are valid.
A Working Example
David and Madeline have in-law problems with David's mother. She upsets Madeline by throwing barbed comments packed with hidden meanings at her. David appears clueless.
Madeline feels betrayed. "Your mom"s upsetting me and she won't listen to me. You tell her to stop.' David insists nothings wrong and why can't Madeline ignore his mother?
The Inside Scoop
Madeline wants David to confront his mom, but David hesitates. He's uncomfortable criticizing his mother and he knows Madeline's complaint is valid.
The Source
The real problem is not the evil mother-in-law, David knows she's pushy and hurtful. Forget about the in-laws_ focus on the relationship.
It's All About The Feelings
The argument revolves around those feelings that fall on us like rain. Madeline wants David to "be a man" and protect her. She feels abandoned. David feels clueless.
The Action
If David put his arm around Madeline and said "Madeline"s right, Mom.' That's all Madeline needs.
The Reaction and the Resolution
No one can change or control David's mother. People don't change unless they want to. Let the in-laws be miserable. The negativity is outside your relationship, don't let it in.
If All Else Fails
Find a marriage therapist. Lots of people do. Getting help is a loving gift to your relationship. Remember to find a therapist you both relate to.
Always remember to never forget that clear communications save relationships. Give it all you've got.
