The end of a relationship can be translated into every kind of negative emotion. We feel hurt, despair, anger, rejection and embarrassment – regardless of whether it was ended by us or for us. But what is it about The End that makes it almost impossible to be friendly or even just polite to our exes? Why, when we lose a partner, do we forfeit a friend as well? And why is it expected that this is the case?
If we work hard at our relationships we often experience love, closeness, trust and pleasure. We build memories and smile more often. We appreciate the coupled state of our lives and feel like we belong. But the most valuable of all things, which has most chance of lasting forever, is friendship. With our chosen someone we find, in time, that we are able to bear our heart and soul, feel supported, be of support, and have open, frank, and fun conversations. Why then does this so suddenly disintegrate when we choose to opt-out of our relationship? Or do we just pretend it does?
It seems that relationships have fallen into an ‘All or Nothing’ category. It seems that we feel incomplete without love, trust and friendship in our relationships, yet when we decide to break-up we decide on throwing all of it away, as opposed to just the parts that aren’t working. Wouldn’t it be so much more fulfilling to come out of a relationship with a friend than just an ex-love? And wouldn’t it say so much more about us as human beings if we could enjoy a relationship and come out of it valuing what we gained instead of what we have lost?
It is almost unheard of that we can end a relationship – particularly a long-term one – and remain close and involved with our ‘ex’ without there being bad feeling, animosity or anger. But what if, by some miracle, we do manage to escape the wreckage and salvage something so special as a friend? What if we continue to admit that we care and let our hearts do the rest? In this case, unfortunately, it’s never as simple as that. Bring on the confused friends and relatives...
They will stare at you in disbelief if you admit you are getting on with your ex love. They will ask questions, probe, dig and dig, in hope of finding some kind of awkwardness or bad air, something that makes them feel like they didn’t handle their break-ups wrong. And if they can’t find what they’re searching for, they’ll decide you mustn’t really want to be apart. Each occasion that you choose to spend time as friends, your motive and intentions will be questioned. They’ll be of the opinion that they know better, that this could never work out well, that at some point one of two things will happen: either a war will break loose or you’ll get back together. Isn’t it a sad state of affairs that this is considered to be the norm and that when things do end for good, that we are expected to hate those who have shared our heart and our bed?
It is my opinion that good relationships end. This can happen for a huge spectrum of reasons and do not always involve infidelity or broken trust. And it is also my opinion that good can come from a break-up and that sometimes these things are made not to last but made only to teach and mould us. There really is no need to mourn a shattered love when there are pieces in tact, which are worth treasuring for a lifetime – because doesn’t ex mark the spot?
