In marriage, we pick and choose to be close to someone because there is that "need", that "urge" that "something" in our nature that makes us want to be that "special" person to somebody. So we pick and choose and once we've chosen, we tend to stick close by those people. No matter how much we are hurt by them or how much we hurt them. It is them who are still with you through thick and thin, through rain and sunshine, and they are the "ones" that make the going all the more worthwhile.
Tips to Polish Fidelity
Accept Instead of Tolerate
People say - one should be tolerant to each other. I find tolerance to each other negative. On the contrary, acceptance of each other much more positive. In tolerance you feel you are being denied yourself something, there is that grey area which broods discomfort. Whereas in acceptance, you are receiving the other as a gift (perhaps something less to your expectations) with good grace. Being accepted gives us the security to reveal the truth about ourselves in all its creative chaos. As Marianne Williamson quotes “If a space is created in which two people are totally free to reveal their walls, then those walls, in time, will come down”.
Persevere Instead of Survive
If the usual response to the query, how are you? evokes a half-hearted "oh I am surviving" what does that entail? The person is not happy. There is something bothering him/her. But if I have to say "I am persevering" -does not that strike a more promising note? If you are just surviving through your commitment, before long it is going to die out - it does not take a Scotland detective to detect that. But if you want your commitment to last - try again, how many times you may fail. As long as you have the strength to preserve and the faith in yourself your commitment will last - it does not take a divine prophet to prophesy that.
You Change Instead of Wishing Change in Other
This is an era of change agents and change adapters. We might be excellent in our respective work fields (and we might even put those phrases in our C.Vs) but when it comes down to family. Who changes? How many times we wish the other would be different, make a change, and change their patterns. If you think it would make the other happy, you take the pains of changing but in the process if you are unhappy please don't. It wouldn't make any difference. Let the change process be gradual not radical.
Freedom Instead of Fencing In
This would stem from trust and faith. Very difficult during the early stages of marriage - a time when we feel the need to comply to each others wishes. There is also this element of mutual respect - respect of each others wishes, desires, choices. Pulling him to come for shopping when he would prefer to watch football or humbly falling in with the shopping request when you would prefer to watch football is not what I would call commitment. It should be a choice that stems from healthy liberty. There would be some who would argue that to go for shopping might be helpful and that it would be sacrifice. Sacrifices and helpfulness, without due raison d'être can erode a relationship instead of strengthening it.
Silence Instead of Criticism
Certain habits are difficult to kill for there are habits which are characteristic of men or typical of women. One of my work colleagues once asked me - “He never hangs the wet towel over the towel rail, but at the back of the chair. How many times have I chided him?” I said, “Next time it occurs don't bother to correct, you do it”. Often the silent reprisal is much more effective and strong than the constant nagging between husband and wife. Criticism undermines the effectiveness of relationships. It (constructive criticism) is fundamental between employer and employee, boss and the worker. But when you criticise in marriage there is that covert message being send out - "this is how things should be done here". A very subtle pointing out to your partner "I do things better". At the same, I would also argue harmful habits needs a loving admonition, a fond but firm red alert. Unfortunately, it takes sublime tact on the women's part to give one and gentle meekness in the men's part to accept one - attributes seemingly very rare in our world.
Expect Nothing Instead of Expecting Things
On the eve of Valentines Day, I received beautiful flowers. I was delighted since it was the first time in my marriage I received flowers from my husband. When he came from work, he saw the flowers and thought it was from me. Only then did I check from whom the flowers came. My workplace. You see, I cannot expect my husband to bring in flowers, cards or chocolates; he is not that "type". I would be adding frustrations and disappointments to my list of cares if I have to expect them from him. But I love to be showered with flowers and loving words. Does that mean I have to ditch my husband or envy my neighbors husband? There have been times when he has unexpectedly stepped in for me, backed me up, be a Knight in the shining armor - albeit a 21st century knight. When you don't expect and then something turns up intensifies your joy. Is it not better than expecting and being disappointed?
- At the end of the day, fidelity is not closing your eyes to neighbors muscles or beauty; it is acknowledging them and yet not falling in love with it, forgetting who is beside you always. .
- Fidelity in any relationship is a permanent commitment to "reach out" for the other, a promise to persist in efforts to transcend the barriers and the distance that separate one from the other, a firm resolve to maintain effort in sustaining and developing the relationship no matter what difficulties and trials arise
As Jim and Shirley mentions in the covenant of intimacy:
- Fidelity means a commitment to increasing sensitivity to the other, where the faithful lover strives to become gracious in the techniques of providing the other with the needed feedback in such a way as to enhance rather than weaken fundamental self-esteem as a sexual person and as an intimate partner
- Fidelity in the broader sense means the permanent, public, solemn and irrevocable commitment to dedicate one's life to bringing out the best in both one's partner and oneself
- Fidelity means a refusal to give up on a relationship. Fidelity assumes that the basic evaluation of the other, which led to the original commitment, was a correct one (and to) persist in believing that the original valuation was correct and that it would be a mistake to abandon without further effort the struggle to achieve the good things that the original commitment promise
I hope someone would find this useful. The photograph is courtesy of a website - which I forgot……
