Very few people in this world can claim to avoided a break-up, and nasty ones at that. Unless you've been in outer space, you will be aware of other people breaking up around you at different points in life, and many fail to cope as well as they could if only they knew the secrets of break-up self- preservation.
It's tempting to try and block it all out with drink or drugs, partying hard and pretending it never happened. Others facing this distressing time will withdraw completely and refuse to talk to anyone. Many jump straight into another relationship hoping their new partner will help them forget. Everyone deals with a break-up differently, but these solutions are temporary.
No one situation is in exactly the same boat, whether it's a result of cheating, money problems, abuse, child related, or a multitude of other reasons. Yes, there are the less bitter splits, where both parties agree for the sake of others to stay amicable. But there's no such thing as a hurt-free break-up.
Break-ups are a form of bereavement, in that you have lost something once dear to you. Sometimes it's as bad as a death, yet the person hasn't died, but chosen someone else to share their life, and that can be just as sharp a blow as death if your whole life centred on them or you trusted them implicitly.
So it's understandable that people will go through a period of mourning while they try to cope with the shock of this form of bereavement. It's so important not to blame yourself or beat yourself up about what has happened - neither party is totally guilty, each has to take part responsibility, but that doesn't mean you have to take on the whole caboodle!
Eventually you will start to realise that everything happens in our lives for a reason, and if this break up is completely incomprehensible to you right now, in time you will see why it has happened, because it enabled you to move onto better things. Self help books will go on forever about your ''journey'' and '' personal voyage of discovery'', but to some extent that is what life is.
No one looking at a relationship from the outside can truly understand all the reasons why people they thought were matched for life can't work it out together. There are so many layers to a break-up that are impossible to describe to anyone else, which is partly why it is so painful, especially when others are handing out advice left right and centre without really comprehending the true nature of the split.
Later it will be clear to you that in relationships often one person changes and the other either can't or doesn't want to, and slowly the relationship starts to fall apart. There is nothing you could have done to alter this.
The good news is that the ''new you'' will be perfect for someone else out there who appreciates your finer qualities and looking back at this period in your life you will wonder why you didn't split up before you actually did, so you could have met your fantastic new partner so much earlier.
In many ways failed relationships are learning experiences, for they teach what we definitely don't want in our lives next time, and give us the strength to hold out for a much better deal than the one we just left. They also give us the chance to examine our own behaviour and make decisions about we will handle conflict in years to come.
Keep your sanity during the time after a break-up by:
- Letting your feelings out
- Allow yourself to mourn the end of the relationship and ride the pain - don't deny it
- Don't contact your ex until you're calm and neutral; it will only drag things out
- Get all their stuff and memories out of your space, so there's nothing to remind you. Don't hang onto anything for sentimental reason s that will only delay your recovery.
- Write a list of your personal do's and don't for your next relationship - look to the future.
- Go out and meet new people, even if you don't feel like it. Let others look after you and go with the flow - don't hide away.
- Avoid self medicating with drugs and alcohol; see your doctor if you are unable to sleep or eat, or your depression refuses to lift.
