Real Friendship is not measured by how many times you are there for each other when you're on top of the world and nothing is going wrong. Rather, true friendship is tested in instances when you feel down and every move you make seems to lead a wrong turn. For a genuine friend is the one who comes in when everyone else has literally gone out.
Without a doubt, there are moments when you are compelled to help a friend in distress. Helping a friend though has its guiding principles when you'd like to reach out and offer your assistance. You can't just barge into a friend's life and start untangling the web of problems that he or she is confronted with. You can't seize a friend's territory and treat it as your own. At the very least, you have to ask permission. You have to ask yourself does my friend really need help? Or am I just being an overeager savior of an empty cause? Prudence is still the better part of valor.
Before you extend a helping hand, determine first if your friend needs one. Then ascertain if you're only willing to listen or you are ready to go all out should the need arise. Finally, know if you pay attention to your friend's emotions instead of his or her existing problem. These three outlines of conduct are what you have to be aware of if you aim to save your friend from whatever is bugging him or her.
Let your friends think for themselves
Your friend can think for himself/herself so beware of being so fast in giving unsolicited advice. Your friend may feel offended if you suddenly offer explanations and interpretations without being asked. For example, don't step in and say that Mr. A is better than Mr. B because of this and that without any factual basis just when your buddy is having a hard time choosing between her two suitors. She might misconstrue your gesture as an act of meddling in her affairs and it could lead to a break up in your otherwise healthy relationship. No matter how noble your purpose may be in sharing your thoughts, you have to be conscious of the timing of your advice. Wait until she asks for it herself. If she stays mum about the matter, don't open up the subject.
Be careful not to invite heavy emotional release
When a friend asks you to come to his/her aid, be there. They may need someone who can listen attentively and compassionately to their story. They may want a trusted friend to confess their current plight. Through it all, pay attention to what he/she is saying. Look at them straight in the eyes and make them feel comfortable. However, don't give them reason to unleash a heavy emotional outpour unless you're ready to handle it. Some people are plain good listeners but become disoriented when the person they're listening to shifts gear from being mellow to being excessively dramatic. Encourage pure revelations from your friend but don't make the mistake of saying, “have a good cry if that will make you feel better” unless you're prepared to sit through the tears.
Don't get buried in the problem
The moment you come to a friend's, you can expect him/her to pour out feelings to you. Under this scenario, focus on the emotion and not on the problem. This is one way of not letting your own mind and feelings get lost in the intricate web he's or she's weaved himself/herself in. For example, if your friend is a bit rejected over the way his/her career has been going, show your sympathy by telling her how you feel the same thing just thinking of his/her predicament. If he/she is burning with anger help them diffuse by talking it out. If they are frightened, comfort them physically or verbally; whatever is possible. If they are being penned with guilt, free him/her up by replacing their emotional state with a different one.
Don't forget the reason why your friend picked you
A friend who is looking for parental advice would have gone instead to her mom or dad. A friend who is seeking medical aid would have visited a therapist. The reason why your friend has chosen you is simply because he/she wants a friend - a person who truly understand them. Act like a friend. Converse like a friend. Offer love like a friend. Be proud that of all people you are the one who has been handpicked to be his/her confidant. As Ralph Waldo Emerson put it: “The only way to have a friend is to be a friend.”
Be careful not to oversee the pitfalls
There are some people who don't seem to run out of problems. They always get depressed for one reason or another. They feel enraged at the slightest provocation. They seem to relish their life of negativity so much that they even pull their friends into it if they can. If you think that your friendship with someone exists in the premise that they are the perpetual complainant and you, the constant advisor, then such a relationship can never be called as one. Maybe what they need is not a friend but a counselor - someone who will always lead the way for them. In this case, you may have to reconsider where you stand, as there are too many pitfalls to think about for the friendship to soar. Either back out of this one-sided friendship cautiously or insist that it develop into something that can be enjoyable for both of you. You can help your friend deal with things by not always trying to lend a hand. Stop asking “Do you have a problem today? Tell me how may I help you?” if you want them to escape from what is becoming a virtual helping relationship. Display you concern in some other way.
If your help is not helping
You can only do so much in helping a friend. If you feel like your love and attention aren't enough, don't be afraid to step backward and let another person assume your position. Bear in mind that you can't really help unless you feel it in your heart and you can't possibly want to if you are feeling tired and uninspired. Because if you insist, you might only end up a liability than an asset. If your help is not being effective anymore, have the guts to say to your friend that there's nothing else you can do. Don't leave them hanging in the balance though. Before you turn your back refer them to other resources that may somehow assist in alleviating their problem and improving their condition. This will give them hope to go on and provide you a clear conscience as you move on.
