The words Matrimony and Marriage are often used interchangeably. This is correct usage, but when we add the word "Holy" to the phrase we have made it clear that we are speaking of more than just a civil contract. Holy Matrimony is a rite of the Church for most Protestants, and it is considered a sacrament in the Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox churches.
Indeed marriages are performed by civil authorities on a daily basis in our culture. A Marriage "license" is required for those who are married within the church as well as those who participate in strictly civil ceremonies. So we have clouded the definition of marriage. Marriage then, in our culture, is always a function of the state, and only sometimes a sacred bond.
Is it possible to experience that sacred bond without the blessing of the church? Of course it is. That which God has joined together must be protected and nurtured whether it has been formalized in the church or not! But what about the marriage that was not "holy" and not ordained by God? The couple that visits the wedding chapel in a drunken impulse, and awakens to find themselves married. What about the couple that is forced to marry by peer or family pressures when an unexpected pregnancy occurs; or the abusive, possessive partner who manipulates the other into an unhealthy union. These individuals may receive a marriage license, but if God has not called them into a union are they really married?
Divorce, Annulment, Same-sex Unions and Polygamy!
Some unions which arise out of questionable motives may actually come to the church for a celebration of "holy matrimony." What then? Has God joined them together? These and other questions also surround the issue of marriage.
Practices such as Divorce and annulment further cloud our thinking. Divorce dissolves some, but not all of the civil ties between a couple but it cannot undo vows made before God. Annulment is a claim that the union never took place, and may be an appropriate response to a marriage entered into hastily and without proper understanding or motivation. Yet words uttered in the presence of witnesses "in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit," cannot simply be erased. Clearly the church must make an effort to prevent people from entering into matrimony without adequate forethought and preparation.
Additionally, in some churches, same sex couples have celebrated their covenants together before God for at least three decades now. Other Churches have struggled with this issue and remain in great turmoil regarding the place of Gay people in the Church. But only now when gay couples have sought the civil recognition of their unions in the form of a "marriage license" has the general population become agitated.
In fact, marriage at its origin was an economic arrangement, whereby the responsibility for a woman's "keep" was transferred from her father to her new husband. Essentially it designated who owned the woman. A woman's dowry was designed as an additional economic incentive to encourage the future husband to accept the responsibility of supporting the bride.
The Law of Moses was given in a time when marriages were most frequently polygamous. Wives could always be added to the family so there was no reason for divorce unless the wife was unfaithful. The prohibition against divorce was to keep a man from leaving a wife without economic support of any kind. So any effort to apply Mosaic regulations to our current situation is unwise. What then shall we conclude about modern marriage and divorce?
Holy Matrimony
What we can say, is that marriage has many "issues" to confront in our modern society, but careful consideration of marriage within the church can take much of the confusion out of the equation.
- Though marriage was an economic arrangement in the time of Moses, it has become elevated to a relationship founded in mutual love and respect, freely chosen by both partners. Christians should insist on this standard for those who are married within the church. .
- People who intend to enter into a married relationship should not do so hastily or on the spur of the moment, but should be prepared and instructed about the implications, responsibilities and challenges of married life. .
- Holy Matrimony is not to be entered into by those who do not live holy lives. Only when one's life is consecrated to the Lord can he or she know whether or not the union is called by God. And only then can the union rest on a solid foundation with the strength to weather what ever storms may come.
In addition to these three absolutes I believe it is the responsibility of the church to promote a new understanding of Christian Marriage. Marriage must not be seen as a ritual where two people make promises to each other and call God as a witness. Rather marriage is a ceremony where two people make promises to God, ask for God's strength, and call upon the community to witness and support them in faithfulness to the commitment they have made. Far too much emphasis has been placed on promises made to each other, without the acknowledgement that people, by nature are unable to keep such promises unless their actions draw from the strength of the almighty.
If the Lord is to remain first in the lives of the Christians who enter into marriage, then He must be first in the motivation to marry. Couples should consider how it is that God can use them as a couple as well as individuals. We might ask them to consider why has God called them together?
Civil Marriage, Broken Hearts and Divorce
Beyond those who are married in the church, I believe the Church should reach out to those who may have married hastily or without adequate understanding. Preparation after the fact is better than no preparation at all. Couples support groups can bring those marriages which might be at risk into a new awareness of dependence on God's grace and prayerful support of the Christian community. We should not wait for couples to be in crisis before we begin to care for them.
Finally we must have a new attitude toward divorce. What God has joined together is not to be set aside. If people enter into Holy matrimony only when they are sure that God has called them together; and if a Christian minister is likewise convinced, then we certainly must believe that it is so. If people are called to work in the Lord's vineyard together then they must find the way to do so. Divorce from the plan of the Lord is not an option.
On the other hand if people enter into marriage hastily or unadvisedly without regard for the will of the Lord in their lives, it is very likely that they may enter unwisely into unions which are unhealthy, unhappy and doomed to fail. When such unions fail we must not batter the participants with our judgmental disgust for divorce. Rather we must welcome them to a better way, forgiving what is past and supporting them for the future.
Ultimately it is the Holiness of a marriage that is most important. It is not an endurance race for those who can tough it out. It is a celebration of life in the Lord for those who find their purpose together in His will. If we miss that then it makes little difference if we had a marriage license!
