Biologically speaking, how important is romance?
Just as you put on a red dress and special perfume for a valentine's night out or special date, birds develop special plumage in season to attract mates. Animals and even marine creatures like turtles give off special scents, and most creatures put on courtship displays. What we humans call "romance"or "falling in love". Is simply nature helping us select an appropriate mate. It's the most natural thing in the world - so go out and have fun.
Is it really natural to mate?
Yes, it's optimal for our emotional development and that of our children, but not all animals do. I've learnt so much from creatures like meerkats and African wildogs in this regard - it's fundamental to their survival as species, as it is for our own, to bond for life.I've seen amazing documentary of an alpha female in a wild dog park giving birth, with her alpha male in attendance. When the pups began to emerge, the female was licked and supported by the male. He helped the pups come out, but was most concerned about the wellbeing of his mate. Their interaction highlighted masculine protectiveness and feminine nurturing, complimentary qualities that help us humans to bond and parent effectively.
What quality best keeps us bonded?
It's something as simple and overlooked as self-care. Healthy self-care is the responsibility of every adult, and it's different from what most of us term "selfish". Again, animals can help us understand this. When meerkats are foraging for food, there's always one up on guard, watching for predators. Science has now shown that the meerkat, has fed the best. It's when we know how to take care of ourselves that we're best equipped to contribute caringly to the lives of the people we love. If we don't take self-care seriously we're often a liability to others - and we place inappropriate demands on our partners which strains that vital long-term relationship.
What else do you need in a long-term mate?
As couple counsellor Harville Hendrix says in getting the love you want (Pocket Books), we humans don't choose our mates primarily because of their intelligence or shared interest or goals, or because they brings us flowers on Valentine's day! Like animals, we consider family nurturing characteristics more important for breeding potential than external appearance, as shown in recent survey on sexual attractiveness documented by National Geographic. But unlike animals, that seem less capable of self-transcending thoughts, we connect at a gut level with someone who has similar early life experiences with our own. They remind us of how parents related to us. For most of us, that arouses both positive and negative feelings, because although our parents tried their best, many of us have been deeply wounded in some way or the other by parents who had their own hurts or life-challenges. It's this that makes us feel that incredible almost instant connection with the mates we chose- but it also makes them capable of wounding us in the very same places our parents did! For our relationshi to last, it's vital for us each to understand our own histories and the way these shape our current interactions. We need an "aware" relationship!
How can you achieve this?
Through therapy, but also, through the journey of healing and self-discovery that happens when we're de-stressing in wilderness spaces, observing the behaviour of animals. In nature, we can experience the stability and continuity of natural processes and cycles that are reflected in the course of long-term human relationships. Animals reminds us of more intuitive ways of relating. And they're always present in the moment alert and ready to respond to whatever arises, but not fretting about past problems, or about the next predator they may encounter. Their atitude can help us enormously to be present, authentic and honest to ourselves and with each other, which is vital as we journey through life together.
